Page 10 | To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

MidnightMidwinter · 2023-12-11T09:12:42+00:00

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids. Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it? Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing. On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping. Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose. I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore. I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

AllyArty · 12/12/2023 17:58

My DS befriended a similar little sh*t. When I eventually had a chat with his mum who I thought was a really nice person, a good friend whom I knew v well, she turned on me and said she thought the problem was with my DS and if I had had a boy first like she had then I would understand the rough and tumble way boys behave! Our situation became v serious and looking back if I had to go through it again I would not have gone to the mum. I suggest you document everything and with a smile on your face distance yourself. Get out of the lifts and keep everything as light as possible. If you make an enemy of him he may take it out on your son. Good luck.

CatherinedeBourgh · 12/12/2023 18:29

MidnightMidwinter · 12/12/2023 07:22

Ooh, that’s a really good idea! Thank you! I was considering using putty but I know I’d make a right mess of that.

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Do you know someone with a 3d printer? It's easy to print small parts like that if you have a model of one.

Hameth · 12/12/2023 18:29

Im a believer in a tit for two tats. This is the first tat. I would ask for the bits and explain what happened. Also say that you will be asking that he doesnt eat on the journey. If you get a bad reaction or he misbehaves again, the lifts end but your friend will not be able to say you were unfair. Otherwise you may look unreasonable and be blamed like everyone else.

Gamjs · 12/12/2023 18:32

there are firms that sell bits for do it yourself campervans. A quick Google could help you find the missing bits.

PerkingFaintly · 12/12/2023 18:38

MidnightMidwinter · 12/12/2023 07:22

Ooh, that’s a really good idea! Thank you! I was considering using putty but I know I’d make a right mess of that.

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If screws don't work, this is the sort of job Sugru lives for.

https://sugru.com

This is a "Mumsnet made me buy it" which I now wouldn't be without.

The World's First Mouldable Glue

Sugru is a flexible, adhesive repair putty that sets strong by turning into a durable silicone rubber. Perfect for craft, DIY, upcycling and hacking your stuff.

https://sugru.com

Behindyouiam · 12/12/2023 18:41

@PerkingFaintly OMG! That is exactly something I need, I didn't know I needed it until you posted that.

PerkingFaintly · 12/12/2023 18:44

It's life-chaning stuff, @Behindyouiam !

I store some in the fridge now, saving up all those little jobs until I can justify opening a packet.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/12/2023 18:46

If I was doing a stocking for dh this year, I’d definitely be getting him some, @PerkingFaintly!

PotatoLove · 12/12/2023 18:48

He sounds like a sly little sod and I'd definitely stop the giving of lifts in future. His Mum will need to sort him out.

Moglet4 · 12/12/2023 18:51

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/12/2023 09:41

I really think you're reading malice into the innocuous behaviour of an 11-year-old.

friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me.

Are you sure he wasn't trying to show you that these things had come off and (assuming you, as the adult and the owner of the vehicle, would recognise them) that he thought you would know what to do about it? And that when you didn't ask for them back or say "oh thanks I'll sort those out" he decided they weren't important? Because that's more in line with how 11-year-olds think and it seems a bit extreme and frankly horrible on your part to go on a massive rant of character assassination aimed at an 11-year-old for fidgeting with something in your vehicle.

Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH.

I assume you’re joking?

nomadmummy · 12/12/2023 18:56

I began reading the comments and I'm more concerned about the mums responding 'fuck that' and 'He's a little shit'!!! Are you seriously talking about a misbehaving 11 year old boy like he's an an 18 year old? Are you kidding me?

OP - someone posted that you should politely explain what's happened. If you're really a friend you'll sit down with her and be empathetic to her views. clearly this is a kid who is acting differently at home than outside the home and that's not unusual. But for the parent it is hard to imagine.

Back to all of you - kids at that age can act out and have behavior issues for a myriad of reasons. It can be imitation, frustration, testing boundaries, attention-seeking, ADHD, etc. Figuring out what antecedents there are to his behavior is a good first step. In this case it wouldn't shock me if you discovered the times the boy gets in trouble with others is when he's hungry. In kids if they're blood glucose is too low it can come out as anger, irritable, misbehaving. And that is NOT the child's fault. His mom may not see this because she's knows when he needs food (and may think all kids are like that and therefore all adults would realise this).

OP - if he can eat in his vehicle it could be hard to understand. Ask him before he gets in if he is hungry and needs to eat because he is not eating in the car.

KingsleyBorder · 12/12/2023 19:02

if he can eat in his vehicle it could be hard to understand.

Bollocks! He’s 11 and speaks fluent English. He’s been told directly.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 12/12/2023 19:24

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/12/2023 09:41

I really think you're reading malice into the innocuous behaviour of an 11-year-old.

friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me.

Are you sure he wasn't trying to show you that these things had come off and (assuming you, as the adult and the owner of the vehicle, would recognise them) that he thought you would know what to do about it? And that when you didn't ask for them back or say "oh thanks I'll sort those out" he decided they weren't important? Because that's more in line with how 11-year-olds think and it seems a bit extreme and frankly horrible on your part to go on a massive rant of character assassination aimed at an 11-year-old for fidgeting with something in your vehicle.

Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH.

Hello boy's mother

TheCatterall · 12/12/2023 19:25

@MidnightMidwinter im in loads of forums for campers and we’ve had a few random parts to find over the years if you want a hand?

Mtlso · 12/12/2023 19:26

Why don’t you give him one more lift and set your phone up to record him somehow, ask him about the curtain things - show his mum and say that you knew she’d never believe the change in his behaviour, so you got proof. When kids get to the end of Y8/start of Y9, it’s like they’ve had personality transplants, so you definitely don’t want to be doing it until then. Best to nip in the bud now. Also wait for it to be a full moon, kids turn wild on a fm.

Tigger1895 · 12/12/2023 19:30

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/12/2023 09:41

I really think you're reading malice into the innocuous behaviour of an 11-year-old.

friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me.

Are you sure he wasn't trying to show you that these things had come off and (assuming you, as the adult and the owner of the vehicle, would recognise them) that he thought you would know what to do about it? And that when you didn't ask for them back or say "oh thanks I'll sort those out" he decided they weren't important? Because that's more in line with how 11-year-olds think and it seems a bit extreme and frankly horrible on your part to go on a massive rant of character assassination aimed at an 11-year-old for fidgeting with something in your vehicle.

Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH.

I think we’ve found the mother of said 11 year old.

Sproutier · 12/12/2023 19:53

Mtlso · 12/12/2023 19:26

Why don’t you give him one more lift and set your phone up to record him somehow, ask him about the curtain things - show his mum and say that you knew she’d never believe the change in his behaviour, so you got proof. When kids get to the end of Y8/start of Y9, it’s like they’ve had personality transplants, so you definitely don’t want to be doing it until then. Best to nip in the bud now. Also wait for it to be a full moon, kids turn wild on a fm.

I can see why this might feel like a good idea, but I wouldn't do it. Some parents would absolutely go off the deep end at another adult recording their child without their knowledge or permission.

On a happier note that mouldable glue sounds like a great idea. I might have tried it old school with a bit of matchstick and silicone sealant, but the glue sounds much more fun.

brownless0 · 12/12/2023 19:59

I had a VERY similar issue . A neighbour and I worked in the same place and I had a car and she didn't. Since we were neighbours i offered her lifts. But I began to dislike her very quickly after months of lifts for free.

She kept interfering with my driving nearly causing a crash and then acting like it was my fault when she was playing co-pilot. PICKED HER NOSTRILS and smeared them on my seat all the time and ate and left crumbs Ye gods!
Then would ask me to take her on short diversions to the shop. She even told me to stop and give her friend a lift on the street!

She NEVER paid for the petrol or even offered like one would like "oh here's £20 and let me get it seeing that i'm chauffeured everyday from home".
This is what I did.
I said I have another errand to run in the morning and in the evening i'm going shopping so it will be difficult. Eventually she got the hint and started using someone else in my area. She did enquire a few times but i made my excuses not to go.
She did talk shit behind my back after the lifts stopped though. USER.

But WHO gives a F. I paid for my car, valet it regularly, MOT, Insurance, repairs.
So my suggestion. Don't tell her the real reason, just say can't go in mornings.

MagicFarawayTea · 12/12/2023 20:10

Autumnleaves89 · 11/12/2023 09:45

@SisterMichaelsHabit are you the kids mum 😂

I was thinking this! Being 11 years old does not mean you are entitled to be a little shit. It’s a clear reflection of weak parenting.

yetanotherdaytoday · 12/12/2023 20:13

As this is such a longstanding friend I'd approach it differently.

This isn't some random child who's being a shit to you, it's a boy you know well.

I'd say to her that you have something to discuss with her. And then say you're concerned about her DS and wanted to let her know how he'd behaved towards you.

Tell her what he did. Say you can't let him in your van again as you suspect he was pushing you to see where your boundaries are, so you now have to establish firm boundaries. (This is how I read the situation anyway).

But that you're talking to her to let her know it was concerning given it seems so out of character and that you are here if she needs anything or wants a chat.

Cerealkiller4U · 12/12/2023 20:21

@Justonemorecoffeeplease youre still friends with the mum who builled your daughter????

moomoomoo27 · 12/12/2023 20:25

nomadmummy · 12/12/2023 18:56

I began reading the comments and I'm more concerned about the mums responding 'fuck that' and 'He's a little shit'!!! Are you seriously talking about a misbehaving 11 year old boy like he's an an 18 year old? Are you kidding me?

OP - someone posted that you should politely explain what's happened. If you're really a friend you'll sit down with her and be empathetic to her views. clearly this is a kid who is acting differently at home than outside the home and that's not unusual. But for the parent it is hard to imagine.

Back to all of you - kids at that age can act out and have behavior issues for a myriad of reasons. It can be imitation, frustration, testing boundaries, attention-seeking, ADHD, etc. Figuring out what antecedents there are to his behavior is a good first step. In this case it wouldn't shock me if you discovered the times the boy gets in trouble with others is when he's hungry. In kids if they're blood glucose is too low it can come out as anger, irritable, misbehaving. And that is NOT the child's fault. His mom may not see this because she's knows when he needs food (and may think all kids are like that and therefore all adults would realise this).

OP - if he can eat in his vehicle it could be hard to understand. Ask him before he gets in if he is hungry and needs to eat because he is not eating in the car.

I remember being 11, and 18 year olds are much better behaved. 11 year old just started secondary school kids are desperate to fit in with the cool kids and end up being little shits until they grow out of it. I remember the boys in my form spitting on other people's heads from the stairs above, tripping everyone up, yelling in people's faces when they walked past them, pulling their ties, opening their bags and taking stuff out. All things that seem hilarious at 11 (and definitely not at 18). It was very common.

ToWhitToWhoo · 12/12/2023 20:27

YANBU to tell his Mum what he did; it went way beyond minor misbehaviour. Probably best not to actually use the phrase 'a shit' though!

MirabelMadrigal · 12/12/2023 20:49

@Justonemorecoffeeplease so your friends daughter was part of a group that was bullying your daughter and you simply addressed the headteacher?

Did your friend not try to stop it? Did you stay friends with the mum? I cant begin to imagine how upset my daughter would be if I carried on meeting up with her bully's mum

Emotionalsupportviper · 12/12/2023 20:58

nomadmummy · 12/12/2023 18:56

I began reading the comments and I'm more concerned about the mums responding 'fuck that' and 'He's a little shit'!!! Are you seriously talking about a misbehaving 11 year old boy like he's an an 18 year old? Are you kidding me?

OP - someone posted that you should politely explain what's happened. If you're really a friend you'll sit down with her and be empathetic to her views. clearly this is a kid who is acting differently at home than outside the home and that's not unusual. But for the parent it is hard to imagine.

Back to all of you - kids at that age can act out and have behavior issues for a myriad of reasons. It can be imitation, frustration, testing boundaries, attention-seeking, ADHD, etc. Figuring out what antecedents there are to his behavior is a good first step. In this case it wouldn't shock me if you discovered the times the boy gets in trouble with others is when he's hungry. In kids if they're blood glucose is too low it can come out as anger, irritable, misbehaving. And that is NOT the child's fault. His mom may not see this because she's knows when he needs food (and may think all kids are like that and therefore all adults would realise this).

OP - if he can eat in his vehicle it could be hard to understand. Ask him before he gets in if he is hungry and needs to eat because he is not eating in the car.

I began reading the comments and I'm more concerned about the mums responding 'fuck that' and 'He's a little shit'!!! Are you seriously talking about a misbehaving 11 year old boy like he's an an 18 year old? Are you kidding me?

If he was 18 he'd be an "absolute shit", or a "total shit" - he's 11, so "little shit" fills the bill.

Don't make the assumption that all children are sweetness and light - they are just as capable of shitty behaviour as adults are.