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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

289 replies

MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 09:12

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

OP posts:
Justonemorecoffeeplease · 11/12/2023 09:50

Stop giving him lift. Life is too short to put up with that nonsense.

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 11/12/2023 09:54

Meant to add this - I've got some really good friends whose children just don't get along with mine. We've never made it into a issue between us. One even was part of a group that bullied my daughter in primary school and we just asked the Head to address it.

In your case I'd simply say that the lift situation wasn't working so you can't do it anymore. If the mother presses for a reason just tell her that her DS has damaged your van and has treated it and you with disdain. If she can't cope with that I'm not sure I'd want to continue the friendship anyway.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 11/12/2023 09:54

Op how dare you have choking hazards in your own personal vehicle.. Oh my fucking days some people...
Bin the shit off and his sap dm if she doesn't believe you...

Original poster
MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 09:56

@SisterMichaelsHabit he’s known me his entire life and is a very confident child. He would have absolutely no issue saying “these fell off and I wanted to show them to you so that you could replace them” to me. He didn’t - he showed me, smirked and pocketed them. As I’ve known him all his life I also know exactly what he looks like when he’s smirking.

The plastic pieces are glued on. They need to be peeled at a particular angle in order to come off. If I was allowing a bunch of preschoolers free range to fiddle with the interior of my van I’m sure they could find many thing to choke on. Or set themselves on fire with the stove. Or crush themselves in the folding seats. But that’s not an issue as I don’t let preschoolers do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 09:56

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 11/12/2023 09:54

Meant to add this - I've got some really good friends whose children just don't get along with mine. We've never made it into a issue between us. One even was part of a group that bullied my daughter in primary school and we just asked the Head to address it.

In your case I'd simply say that the lift situation wasn't working so you can't do it anymore. If the mother presses for a reason just tell her that her DS has damaged your van and has treated it and you with disdain. If she can't cope with that I'm not sure I'd want to continue the friendship anyway.

I think that’s really good advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
Feelinadequate23 · 11/12/2023 10:00

OP I'm really not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who brought their child up like this kid and defended his awful behaviour. Really doesn't seem like a loss to me and I'm sure it will be better for your son not having to hang around this horrible boy so much anymore.

Mrgrinch · 11/12/2023 10:00

Honestly you have to go into this with the mindset that there's a chance you may lose this friendship. If she thinks he can do no wrong then it's bound to happen at some point.

SeasonsGreasons · 11/12/2023 10:00

Well first of all, not all 11 year olds are created equal, some are more mature than others. Some can sit still on a 45 minute journey, others are more lively and will get bored and restless. I would suggest your friend's DS is the lively type, hence the sport playing in his break times, and wanting to eat his lunch in the car to pass the time. And kids fiddle with things when restless, and may unintentionally break things in doing so. I have a 9 year old who does that a lot. I find it's a good idea to give them something to occupy them if they're fidgety.

But you seem to know the kid well, so you know more about his personality than I do. Maybe he is just a spiteful child.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/12/2023 10:03

SeasonsGreasons · 11/12/2023 10:00

Well first of all, not all 11 year olds are created equal, some are more mature than others. Some can sit still on a 45 minute journey, others are more lively and will get bored and restless. I would suggest your friend's DS is the lively type, hence the sport playing in his break times, and wanting to eat his lunch in the car to pass the time. And kids fiddle with things when restless, and may unintentionally break things in doing so. I have a 9 year old who does that a lot. I find it's a good idea to give them something to occupy them if they're fidgety.

But you seem to know the kid well, so you know more about his personality than I do. Maybe he is just a spiteful child.

If he were like your child I imagine t
He would have tried to hide the buts he took of or broke but no he made the choice to show op whilst smirking.
That's a shit not a child with extra energy struggling to contain themselves.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 11/12/2023 10:04

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/12/2023 09:41

I really think you're reading malice into the innocuous behaviour of an 11-year-old.

friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me.

Are you sure he wasn't trying to show you that these things had come off and (assuming you, as the adult and the owner of the vehicle, would recognise them) that he thought you would know what to do about it? And that when you didn't ask for them back or say "oh thanks I'll sort those out" he decided they weren't important? Because that's more in line with how 11-year-olds think and it seems a bit extreme and frankly horrible on your part to go on a massive rant of character assassination aimed at an 11-year-old for fidgeting with something in your vehicle.

Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH.

And that sort of thinking is exactly why little shits like this lad grow up to be big shits.

Stressfordays · 11/12/2023 10:05

Speak to the Mum, explain you've been having a few issues in the car and could she speak to him otherwise you may have to stop giving lifts. It's up to her how she responds to that and if she falls out with you, that's on her.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 11/12/2023 10:06

I'd address it directly with him and be very firm. At drop off on thursday just say those plastic things you took caused my window thing to fall down. You need to give them back Friday morning or I'll not be giving you lifts any more. He wont, and you can tell his mum that you wont be doing lifts anymore and she has a weekend to sort it out.

If by some miracle you get them back, I'd stop doing lifts anyway but it's your only leverage.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 11/12/2023 10:10

If it takes an 11 year old to remove them then they arent thick enough to choke on them. A 2 year old couldn't.

Unbelievable. He shouldn't be fiddling around with the car full stop. How does he manage in woodwork or cookery class?

cocolocopocos · 11/12/2023 10:11

Grrr I'm furious on your behalf OP!

HollyJollyKissmass · 11/12/2023 10:16

I think the kid sounds like a bit of a pest and a wind up merchant but he is only 11 so would think it an overreaction to cut all contact with people you’ve been friends with for years over some bits of plastic.

If you’ve known him as long as you have I don’t get why you wouldn’t be firmer about the food mess etc.

You can be nice but firm- ‘New car, we’re not eating in here because of the mess’ while taking his food off him. You’re letting him rule you and then fuming to yourself afterwards. But really, the behaviours you’ve mentioned so far are trivial compared to the teenage years that lie ahead.

Original poster
MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 10:16

SeasonsGreasons · 11/12/2023 10:00

Well first of all, not all 11 year olds are created equal, some are more mature than others. Some can sit still on a 45 minute journey, others are more lively and will get bored and restless. I would suggest your friend's DS is the lively type, hence the sport playing in his break times, and wanting to eat his lunch in the car to pass the time. And kids fiddle with things when restless, and may unintentionally break things in doing so. I have a 9 year old who does that a lot. I find it's a good idea to give them something to occupy them if they're fidgety.

But you seem to know the kid well, so you know more about his personality than I do. Maybe he is just a spiteful child.

Sorry, I should have clarified. It’s a 45 minute journey for them Mon-Weds as they have to walk to bus stop and then from bus stop at the other end. It’s only about a 25 minute drive door to door.

OP posts:
SnowSwan · 11/12/2023 10:17

"Hi, Friend. Damian took the end bits off the curtain runners in the van on Thursday. Can you ask him to give them back. Thanks. The curtain won't stay on without them."

SeasonsGreasons · 11/12/2023 10:17

TomatoSandwiches · 11/12/2023 10:03

If he were like your child I imagine t
He would have tried to hide the buts he took of or broke but no he made the choice to show op whilst smirking.
That's a shit not a child with extra energy struggling to contain themselves.

Show quote history

He possibly would hand them to me with a shifty smile, as if to say "I took these off, but please don't yell at me". And I guess that could be interpreted as a smirk.

Original poster
MidnightMidwinter · 11/12/2023 10:17

Also I’m not going to buy fidget toys for a kid who deliberately broke my curtains.

OP posts:
Justonemorecoffeeplease · 11/12/2023 10:19

SnowSwan · 11/12/2023 10:17

"Hi, Friend. Damian took the end bits off the curtain runners in the van on Thursday. Can you ask him to give them back. Thanks. The curtain won't stay on without them."

"Damien" 😂😂😂

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 11/12/2023 10:20

His behaviour isn't yours to deal with. Give his dm the facts and leave them to it. School runs are stressful enough without added dc making it worse...

Workawayxx · 11/12/2023 10:21

SnowSwan · 11/12/2023 10:17

"Hi, Friend. Damian took the end bits off the curtain runners in the van on Thursday. Can you ask him to give them back. Thanks. The curtain won't stay on without them."

This. I’d just be really factual about and go from whatever response you get.

if she says he did and will give back or he did but chucked them, very sorry etc then you can keep giving lifts. If any sort of lying/shifting blame etc then I’d just say you can’t give lifts any longer and hope the friendship survives.

BreadandButterDinners · 11/12/2023 10:25

Hi Op,
Definitely send the DM a message asking her to ask him for the curtain runners back.
Have you asked your son how he is getting along with him at the moment? I'd be concerned this boy is a bully.

EvilElsa · 11/12/2023 10:26

I'd tell her calmly and factually what has happened and about the attitude with eating in the car, say it clearly isn't working out with lifts and that you will be stopping. Don't call him names (although I'd be bloody tempted). If she is a decent person she will be embarrassed rather than angry at you. I'd be mortified.

Behindyouiam · 11/12/2023 10:28

YANBU he is so wrong!

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