To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

[MidnightMidwinter]

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

So if you are a child with extra energy are you suggesting this inevitably manifests in to frankly, destructive behaviour and your child has no control over that? Equally, you don't have to shout at a child that has done this deliberately but you do need to advise them on how inappropriate their behaviour is as they will eventually grow up to be unemployable adults with limited options. At 11 or younger you can intervene and turn this around so that they are on track for a better future, I have teenage DC and any peers like that get dropped as they approach 6th form as the hard working/intellectual young people start to see these kids (often popular at secondary school) as disruptive, immature and the destructiveness loses them friendships.

I understand this point but equally we have to learn and take responsibility for our own actions for a civilised society to function. It cannot be wholly on the basis of the majority accommodating the destructive again and again- surely this is what a parent does- teach their child this elementary level of operating in a community, in a society.

Absolute truth here. You can see adults raised this way a mile away. Extra energy sure ...

Have you said anything op?

but you do need to advise them on how inappropriate their behaviour is as they will eventually grow up to be unemployable adults with limited options. At 11 or younger you can intervene and turn this around so that they are on track for a better future-

Do you really think OP speaking to him for 30 seconds will have that much impact? He is round his parents 24/7 - they raised him to be rude -

Yea I think most parents would go ape about it…but if she had an accident due to him, there would be footage. Maybe she could let her know that she’s getting a dash cam and it also catches images from the back. So she could maybe approach it from that angle. My dad has a dashcam in his car - ones at the front filming outside and the other one records inside the car.

Any update OP? Did you speak to your friend?

So what did you do?🤔

Hi Op, I managed to get some clear photos, the sun is out today! The white shape is one of the original end stops in the top rail to the right of the pic. That is the side window. To the left is the back window of the caravan, you can see the screw in the rail. DH wanted to use shorter stubby screws but they wouldn’t fit into the channel, too thick so he used these slimmer longer ones. They are quite secure, I couldn’t get them out without a ‘s/driver. ‘This Temporary Fix’ has been in place for three years.

Op, how did it go when you spoke to your friend?

I agree with a pp, I don't think this boy wants a lift in with you. I suspect it's not cool and he'd rather get the bus.

It would be fine to tell his mum that it's not working for either of you and you will let him get the bus with his friends from now on.

Don't leave us hanging OP !!

@MidnightMidwinter how did the chat with the friend go? Are you still friends or did she make excuses for him again?

@MidnightMidwinter

Coooooo-eeeeeeeeeeee!