To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

[MidnightMidwinter]

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

Read this as DH at first and was so confused at what kind of nutcase your friend married

I think you have to be factual with your friend about why the lifts are stopping - she will be forever speculating and worrying if it is HER etc. It would actually be worse to just be vague than to be direct.

Her son knows she takes his side / doesn't deal with him. He will love it that his actions might cause upset between you and your friend.

So I would say 'look, this is nothing to do with you and me, but I Damien seems to be trying to wind me up about my van so before it gets worse I would like to stop the lifts' 'He started by trampling crisps all over the carpets, has disregarded my subsequent requests not to open his lunch on the seats, and most recently I have discovered that the little black clips he showed me in his hand were the crucial bits that keep the curtains on the rails, meaning they don't now stay on'.

I really hope you can get replacement clips or something else that will do the job.

I wouldn’t start speaking to or texting my friend as if I was writing a legal letter “disregarded my subsequent requests etc”

I’d simply say something like “Damien is making a mess of my car with his food, I’ve asked him again and again not to eat it and he just ignores me. He’s also been pulling bits off the curtain rail and now it’s broken. I’m not giving him any more lifts”.

the sandwich is neither here nor there, you can just remind him each time.

damaging the van needs to be raised with mum. Tell her what’s he’s done and explain that he will need to get the bus in, until he’s mended the rail there’s no lifts.

Stop the lifts now (“it’s not working for me anymore”). Don’t feel bad. Her son’s behaviour sounds unpleasant and he and she will have to deal with the consequences of that.

I wouldn’t say anything to anyone yet. I’d just drive past him one day on the roadside, then text his mum after saying sorry! Was in such a rush today couldn’t stop. Won’t be able to make it anymore as I have to be in earlier on those days from now on.

but make sure the little rat bag sees you drive past him.

Isn’t he possibly only about 11? He’s a shit but a little shit. I think telling his mum the lifts are stopping first would be the appropriate route.

OP did you mean to name the child or is this a fake name? (I can't quote your original post)

I’d simply say something like “Damien is making a mess of my car with his food, I’ve asked him again and again not to eat it and he just ignores me. He’s also been pulling bits off the curtain rail and now it’s broken. I’m not giving him any more lifts”.

I'd go with this. It's short and to the point. It's about devil child, not your friend. It's firm. It would be a shame if you fell out over it, but if she can't see that her child needs more parenting, and isn't an angel, that's on her.

I'd absolutely want to know if my child was doing this.

I think you could say something like ‘he showed me the curtain ends that he’d taken off last week, but because he was smiling I didn’t realise what he had until I noticed the curtains have fallen off. If he’s still got them, I’d like them back please. I think it’s time to stop giving him lifts as it’s not working well any more although I’d really like to keep our friendship.’

Then balls in her court re friendship and how she manages her son, and you’re out of the lift situation.

I’m going with fake seeing as Damien is the devil child from The Omen 😊

The child is in secondary school. He does not need to be reminded “each time”. Being told once should have been enough.

I agree, some of the recommendations on here sounds like a formal complaint, not a text to a friend.

No I think the kid needs to know directly an adult is on to him, especially if his mum won’t listen. Look him in the eye and smirk as you drive past on that first day. After that it’s the bus for rat bag, he lost his chances.

then “sorry friend, I missed child this morning and can’t make any other dates as my arrangements have changed“

He gets the bus anyway, if he valued the lift he’d not have wrecked OP’s car. I feel like one day of watching OP go without him and being late because OP wouldn’t continue her favour in the face of such (expensive) ball ache is the least punishment he should get - but still more than he’d have if a) he had notice or b) his disbelieving mum was told

Oh god, I hear you.
Your friend won't respond well to any criticism of her little darling.
In a similar situation, I've considerably backed off the friendship. When I'm with her she continues to bring up his many virtues and how wronged he is by others....I just sympathise. My DS backed off as soon as they could. I miss the fun we used to have but it's also a relief!

If you need to send a message, send this wording.

It’s fake- Damien- The Omen- geddit?

I think your son has more sence than you do! 25 mins twice a week is a good time to talk to your DS and enjoy the alone time!

Why waste it on a ‘friend’

Oh, I think we know which one he will be.

Everyone has a mobile phone so I say record the brats!

Those curtain rail stoppers are secure unless deliberately fiddled with. If they are the same as in our van the stoppers slide into a groove in the rail and tightened via a screw. Or they are the type that push fit onto the end. Either type need to be secure otherwise the vibration during travel would shake them loose. They don’t come off easily, it takes effort.
If he had found all four why didn’t he say I found these on the seat or the floor.

I'd answered the "Damien" question and then found that other people had beat me to it, so I'm editing.

As you were Ladies.