To tell my friend her ds is a shit?

[MidnightMidwinter]

I made friends with a very lovely lady 11 years ago through our NCT group. We’re really close - been on holiday together multiple times, always round each other’s houses etc. Our sons were in the same class at primary school and were pretty good friends, mainly because we did stuff all together at weekends though, tbh, as they’re both very different kids.

Both our DSs have started at the same secondary in September. DS and friend’s DS were put in different tutor groups and no longer really hang out at all as friend’s DS is sporty and play football at lunchtimes and my ds doesn’t. We live pretty rurally and it’s a 45 minute journey door to door. They get the bus Mon-Weds but I give them a lift on Thursday and Friday as it’s on my route. Friend’s DS lived about 100m away from us so not going out of my way at all to pick him up and it’s just what you do, isn’t it?

Anyway, in about May I got a converted van that I use as my car. It’s my pride and joy and I try and keep it as clean as possible as never had a nice vehicle before. Every time I’ve given friend’s DS a lift he’s immediately started eating his lunch in the van and I ask him not to. He huffs and rolls his eyes but will eventually put his sandwich away, always after having made an seemingly deliberate amount of mess in doing so. Not just a few crumbs but smears of jam on the seats/ crisps stamped into the floor kind of thing.

On Thursday I dropped them off, said “gooodbye” and friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me. I was confused and didn’t think much more about it. Then on Friday I noticed he was fiddling with the sliding curtain that goes across the window next to where he sits. I ask him to stop as I need to see out of the window and again he huffs, rolls eyes and says “fine” before carrying on for a few seconds and eventually stopping.

Cleaning out the van this weekend I open the sliding door and the curtains just fall off their runners. Looking at the opposite window I see there are little black plastic bits on the end of each runner to stop this happening. I’m 99% sure this is what friend’s DS showed me on Thursday morning and then he then decided to unthread the curtains on Friday on purpose.

I’m so bloody angry with him. It’s such a nasty thing to do and I almost feel like I’m being bullied by an 11yo! I know if I tell his mum it will be a huge issue - she’s forever going on about people making things up to get him into trouble, convinced that he’s a very sweet boy, just overconfident and that people don’t like that. But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I thought I’d give it a few days to make sure I wasn’t blowing it out of proportion but I’m still furious. AIBU to tell my friend this or am I just being over precious about my van?

You can't put up with that, I'd be furious, too. I think that you are going to have to cool off your friendship... who knows what he will do next? And frankly, your friend is part of the problem if she is not setting boundaries in place.

I would tell her but expect her to defend him or be all wishy-washy about the incident and excuse him. What a little sod!

Your friend is setting herself up to lose all her friends. Your friendship might not recover but given how this boy is at 11, that's probably a good thing.

Yes tell her, he seems to want to get into trouble, otherwise he wouldn't have shown you the plastic bits.

I wouldn't be driving this boy anywhere. If his mother has an issue, I guess our friendship would cool off.

You wouldn't be unreasonable at all.

I guess that to preserve the friendship you could ask for the black bits back, explain that from now on all coats and bags must go in the boot to avoid any 'misunderstandings' about food, and say that as much as you like being able to help out like this, the lifts will have to stop if he keeps breaking rules.

But saying what you said above, in slightly politer language, would be entirely reasonable too!

Ask for the plastic bit back and tell her he’s damaged your car.

Why don't you ask him directly where the hooks are ?

When he rolls his eyes at you, say something to him, don't ignore his rudeness.

Absolutely fuck that. Stop taking him and tell her why. He sounds like an unpleasant little shit.

I know someone whose son left vile voice messages on another child's phone. The mother simply refused to listen saying her child wouldn't do that!

I think 'little shit' is completely appropriate terminology here.

Yes tell her. And don't give him a lift again.

Yes, tell her the curtains have come off and you need those black plastic stoppers back from her son to rehang them. Just be matter if fact, if she queries why her DS has them you say 'because he showed me them but I didn't understand what they were at the time'

But he’s not, he’s just a shit. I am absolutely not giving him lifts anymore.

I agree he’s a shit and yes, stop all lifts. He can get the bus all week. How did the arrangement start anyway?

Kids want boundaries and often do things like this, asking for them. The mother is definitely the root problem.

I would stop giving him lifts and I would explain why in pretty strong terms. And yes, what @Harvestfestivalknickers said.

I offered as it’s on my route and I pretty much drive past their house on the way. I’d offer a lift to any other kid I vaguely knew too if it wasn’t an inconvenience as it’s a bugger of a journey, especially at this time of year as they’re walking in the dark.

I’ll be amazed if he’s actually held onto them - they were only tiny things. I’m guessing he binned them.

I don’t know how I would approach this one. Try to stay calm and not insult if you can. Good luck.

Sorry, I thought I was quite replying but clearly wasn’t 🤦‍♀️

I won’t actually call him a shit to his mum. I’ll just tell her what he did and explain why I won’t be giving him lifts any longer. I very much doubt she’ll believe he did it, though, that’s the problem. She’s told me some outrageous things he’s done over the years and it’s always been a misunderstanding or people taking a dislike to her son for no reason. She doesn’t seem to pick up on the fact that these things don’t constantly happen with other parents.

What, they deliberately do stupid things to other people's property just so someone will say 'don't do that'?

I really think you're reading malice into the innocuous behaviour of an 11-year-old.

friends DS opened his hand, showed me 4 little black plastic things and smirked at me.

Are you sure he wasn't trying to show you that these things had come off and (assuming you, as the adult and the owner of the vehicle, would recognise them) that he thought you would know what to do about it? And that when you didn't ask for them back or say "oh thanks I'll sort those out" he decided they weren't important? Because that's more in line with how 11-year-olds think and it seems a bit extreme and frankly horrible on your part to go on a massive rant of character assassination aimed at an 11-year-old for fidgeting with something in your vehicle.

Also if the curtain things can be removed by a child, that's a choking hazard for younger children, and I'd be more annoyed with the manufacturer for making such a shit design TBH.

Tell your friend about the eating as well as the curtain, offer the opportunity to step up, admit wrong doing and make it right.

If there's a lovely turnaround, wonderful.

If not, no more lifts.

Ask him in front of one of his parents (doesn't have to be mum necessarily) for the black clips back. When he says he hasn't got them anymore, ask him to replace them. If parents don't back you up, then all lifts stop immediately. If they do back you up, maybe give him one more chance to behave in the van - but all bags in boot and absolutely no food.

@SisterMichaelsHabit are you the kids mum 😂

Exactly what I thought 😂