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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

258 replies

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:06

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

OP posts:
LylaLee · 10/12/2023 14:10

Was she a widow?

Where is their dad in this?

If he's alive, you're just as misogynistic as she is.

Her misogyny: boys don't need to learn housework as that is women's work.

Your misogyny: I'll blame the mother, as all childrearing is women's work. I won't even mention their other parent who had a 50% responsibility in raising them.

Coruisk · 10/12/2023 14:11

Yeah why do you not blame their dad?? Or your husband who is presumably a grown adult?

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 10/12/2023 14:13

YABU. Your partner has had years to change his behaviour.

Original poster
Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:14

For those questioning... Fil is not in the picture

OP posts:
smilesup · 10/12/2023 14:14

Oh God my future DiLs and SILs are going to hate me. I would. Mine are useless at tidying. They can cook though. My DD in particular is spectacularly lazy. I already hate myself a bit already on their behalf

Turquoisa80 · 10/12/2023 14:14

What chores did your dh prefer to do. Is she haphazard, maybe that's why they didn't pick any tips up

IHateWasps · 10/12/2023 14:15

Regardless of how he was raised your partner is a grown adult who is perfectly capable of changing his behaviour if he wants to do so. His laziness is on him, not his Mother.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 14:15

Is he not an adult?

hasn’t been able to learn? Is it your fault he hasn’t learned on the years he has lived with you?

or just some other woman’s fault?

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 10/12/2023 14:15

My x mil was like this.

She brought her two ds up on her own. They did absolutely nothing in the house.

I used to help do the pots after Sunday lunch every week for 15 years.

One week I was poorly, she refused to allow dp to help her because he was a man!!

FuckingHellAdele · 10/12/2023 14:16

There is literally nothing that women can't get blamed for.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 10/12/2023 14:16

Dp also did absolutely nothing when we were together - oh yes, he took the wheely bin out once a week

Original poster
Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:17

For those saying, I am very vocal towards my DP for his attitude towards cleaning. It is probably the only thing we argue about. But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

OP posts:
Quickredfox · 10/12/2023 14:17

If he’s over 18, it’s on him. Cleaning and tidying isn’t that hard.

Teefndrama · 10/12/2023 14:18

I read that you only moved in together after 6 years but how did you not get a little sense of how bad he is if he's that bad? Did you not go to his place? Was it always tidy and if so how? Didn't he ever cook for you? Were his clothes washed and tidy and if so how? Surely you get a feel for your partner before you move in together?

Dotcheck · 10/12/2023 14:18

Why is cleaning the only thing you argue about?
You are off the scale unreasonable- your partner is a full grown up- he is choosing to not clean.

sandletown · 10/12/2023 14:19

He's a grown up. My mum was incredibly untidy. Piles of stuff in every room. Never put stuff away in the kitchen etc. I'm totally different. I changed my habits when I got my own home.

time4aNC · 10/12/2023 14:19

It’s his responsibility to be tidy.

If you’re talking about parenting it was also his dad’s responsibility to help raise him. Why has he got of scots free because he wasn’t in the picture?

It also isn’t 100% how you’re raised. My mum was raised to be tidy, she wasn’t. I wasn’t raised to be tidy but I am. Going back to the first point there is an element of self responsibility.

IHateWasps · 10/12/2023 14:20

But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

Regardless it's your partner who is perpetuating it. He's the problem, not his Mother. She could have done everything "right" and still produced a lazy son.

LylaLee · 10/12/2023 14:20

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:14

For those questioning... Fil is not in the picture

So as I said, unless he's dead, he gets 50% of the blame.

If he fucked off and abandoned his children, then I have even more sympathy for your MIL trying to do her best in a shitty situation and getting some things wrong.

If he somehow didn't know he had a child (after using a condom) and only discovered he was your husband's dad after he was already an adult that excuses him.

OR maybe he's been in a coma for 20 years. OR he's in an iron lung. OR he can only communicate by blinking. Something like that.

Otherwise it's 50% his fault.

Milliemoos5 · 10/12/2023 14:20

Did she raise them as single mother? If so then I can kind of relate! My boys are 18 and 22 and are messy (but so am I! Housework is boring and anything other than the basics i feel is a waste of my life lol). But I raised my boys alone, worked full time in a super demanding career and therefore did not then have the energy for battles over getting them to be tidy; I had to choose my battles and housework just wasn’t on that list of priorities

however, that doesn’t excuse my sons of pulling their fair share in the household when they settle down. Not having been ‘taught’ it specifically doesn’t excuse anyone in a partnership from pulling their weight. Housework isn’t rocket science, it’s basic boring crap that has to be done.

your MIL is not responsible for her boys CHOOSING to be arses about not pulling their weight. That’s entirely and utterly their own individual choice

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 14:21

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:17

For those saying, I am very vocal towards my DP for his attitude towards cleaning. It is probably the only thing we argue about. But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

It started somewhere? And what?

He is still a grown adult capable of changing and being responsible for himself. Does he not manage to keep a job?

Is it your fault that he knows something bothers you, he knows he is behaving like a child but refuses to listen.

The only person to blame is him.

Hardbackwriter · 10/12/2023 14:21

Why blame a man when there's always some woman somewhere that you can hold responsible instead?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 14:24

But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

Your "issue" is that you have stayed with him and tolerate his behaviour. How shockingly rude that you and your sisters-in-law complain to your mother-in-law.

You chose this. Stop blaming other people.

Sparehair · 10/12/2023 14:24

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here

That makes no sense- you still lived with him for 6 years before deciding to have a baby with him and by the state of his own house before you moved in you must have know what he was like. Caveat emptor. If you'd binned him off in year 1 you could be 11 years into a relationship with someone who is tidy by now.

MissyB1 · 10/12/2023 14:25

yet another thing to beat us women with - if our son's are useless at housework as adults then it must be our fault, after all everything usually is.....