To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

[Desupi]

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

It's easier to blame his mother because if she blames him, she has to face up to the fact that she chose and accepts a man who treats her like this.

Here we go, another let's bash the mother in law

Came here to say this. But you beat me to it. Now he is an adult he can learn…if he wants to. This is all on him.

Above post was supposed to quote this

Typical internalised misogyny - blaming a woman for a man’s behaviour @Desupi

Oh my DP is the same. To be fair though he does the cooking (because he enjoys it) and he does the shopping (because he takes his mum.) I was doing everything else, but we had a chat and he has now been assigned hun duty and vacuuming (although he just sets the robot vacuum AKA Victor going and doesn’t bother to do the parts of the house Victor can’t do, such as the stairs). A while ago we made the agreement that whoever cooks doesn’t do the washing up, but on the occasion that I cook I still do the washing up. We have made progress, so one day he may actually wash a cup.

I'm a gentle parent. My 16yo DS cleans the bathroom, keeps his room clean and tidy, puts the bins out, cooks dinner and does his own laundry. Afaik there is no connection between gentle parenting and raising boys not to do chores.

As others have said, you must have seen signs in the 6 years before you married him. Presumably he has redeeming qualities that caused you to overlook the untidiness. I don’t know what those are - maybe he’s kind, reliable, supportive, respectful. Whatever his positive character traits, they were undoubtedly nurtured by his mum.

Have you ever been a single parent? It’s really, really hard. Some days/months/years it takes everything you have in you to be the stable, loving parent the kids need you to be in order to do the nurturing I mentioned above. And maybe you drop the ball on setting the example of keeping the house tidy or maybe you don’t have it in your locker to deal with the additional stress of enforcing chores.

Give yourself and your MIL a break and focus on all the good things she did that are of benefit to you now. You’ll feel better for it.