To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

[Desupi]

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

TBF I was raised to be tidy, but I rebelled massively against it when I left home and discovered the entire world didn't collapse if there was a bit of mess.
My DH wasn't raised to be tidy so we suit each other well. I am tidier now than I was, certainly, but still not my mother tidy, and never will be.

Yet another woman holding another woman responsible for the behaviour of a man FFS. Nice to know us mums are so powerful that i have literally made my DS exactly like he is and nothing will change once he leaves my evil female clutches.

Here's a thought maybe your DH had free will and chooses to be an absolute prick.

Begs both the question at what point is an adult responsible for their own behaviours and the question why is an adult incapable of learning simple tasks?

You can blame parents for their children's messiness but at 25? 30? 35? More? Eventually the blame rests squarely on the messy person's own shoulders.

My mum and dad used to blame my dad's parents for everything that was wrong with him and for all his laziness. They got together as teenagers and when he died at aged 64 my mum was still saying his mum was the reason he piled his plates and glasses by his bed and flicked his fag ash in them and why he "didn't see mess".

yeah. He had eyes. He saw. What he didn't do was care.

at a certain point, blaming your parents is just an excuse for failing to grow up and be responsible.

The funny thing is while you find it currently an annoying trait from his upbringing once you give birth you're in for a shit show! He'll be sitting on the couch eating crisps telling you he doesn't know how to feed, change or rock the baby while you're juggling everything on 15mins sleep a week.

This is on him entirely. Not his mummy. Or you.

My kids were reared with very few chores as such. We had a cleaner every week so no deep-cleaning the bathroom either. At the age of 18 when they went off to college they understood that cleaning their rooms, kitchens and bathrooms was entirely their responsibility. they did it and resented the room mates who didn't. Cleaning isn't rocket science. Understanding that you clean up after your mess isn't rocket science either.

Ask your dh why he is incapable of understanding this and leave your mil out of it. You've been with him for 12 years - that is probably as long as MIL had to "train" him if you count from age 6 to 18.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

Why, because they're true?

Whatever you want to blame his mum for (and you are right that parents who bring up their sons like this are doing future women a huge disservice) you are now doing exactly the same.
If you've lived with him 6 years, that's long enough to learn that he's a selfish lazy sexist prick, and yet you chose to get pregnant by him. Good luck.

My parents were untidy and not that great with the cleaning either. Nobody showed me how to be tidy, but I just am, because I like tidiness. Your husband didn’t need his mother to teach him how to be tidy, this is all on him. And your sexism is unbelievable and really quite depressing.

You’ve bade wi him 6 years now bitty too late to start greetin’ noo min.

Why aren't you blaming his dad?

Anyway, my parents never taught me to clean. All they gave us was money, never any form of guidance or anything else. I lived in such a disgusting, uninhabitable shithole in posh flats for most of my life.

Eventually I decided to learn, because of the impact it had on my DH. Had to work REALLY REALLY hard to train myself. Kiddie reward stickers. "Clean with me" walkthrough podcasts that literally tell you what step to take next. "Clean with me" Youtube videos. I even read books on it ffs!

Anyway, YOU'RE the one holding your DH back now by absolving him of responsibility.

Don't be silly op.

And yet you're having a baby with him.

Just adding that with a wife who infantilises him, your DH will never grow as a person.

You need to stop seeing him as a poor little boy that Mummy is responsible for, and start seeing him as a grown human man.

Who are you going to blame when he does fuck all with the baby, because that's what's happening next.

This has nothing to do with what his mother did or did not teach him, it's about the lack of respect and consideration he has for you.

And your kid will watch your misogynist boyfriend doing fuck all and will think it’s normal, thus perpetuating the cycle.
I can’t understand why these pointless, contemptuous males appeal to so many women. Depressing.

I’m just going to say I feel your pain and can totally empathise because I have the same problem.

I am now the mother to two sons and from a young age ds1 has been tidying up so that it comes naturally to him. Ds2 is a newborn. I am determined that they’ll be good at cleaning and cooking as life skills for themselves and their future families.

Yep it’s all the woman’s fault!

If he's a grown adult then you are being unreasonable, if he can hold down a full time job then he can clean up after himself? Stop blaming your mother in law. How would you like it if she turned it around on you and said you've been together 12 years have you taught him nothing about how to keep a house clean 😂

YABU - rage cleaning is the worst. I don't see that a angry, resentful house is automatically "better" than a dirty house.

And if they're not, will it be your fault?

Oh ffs he's an adult and is choosing to be a slob. Stop blaming the wrong person here. 🙄

When the baby comes this will only get worse. So either make your peace with it now, or force a tidal wave of change in your relationship or in 6 months you'll be up to your ears in chaos and filth with a partner who thinks he's "helping" by idly bouncing the baby in a rocker chair for an hour while you get the weekly shop for some "alone time" and he may or may not have changed a nappy while you were out. You've been warned.

I can't believe you're for real.

Good luck with your baby, and your little one too.

Ffs. What a limited and horrendously misogynistic way to think.

Did you ever think that - like you - she spent years trying to get your useless lump of a husband to tidy up after himself and living with his filth and clutter? But he decided to carry on regardless.

Presumably you are therefore also furious with yourself for failing to teach him how to be tidy while you’ve been in a relationship together? Six years of living with him OP and you’ve still not trained him. Presumably you’ve gone beyond the “gentle parenting” methods you’re so dismissive of, and still made no headway. Tut tut.

Maybe when you divorce him his next wife should point the finger at both you and his mother? Obviously can’t be just his fault, there’s always got to be a woman to blame.

For what it’s worth, I have children (teens) with ADHD who simply don’t see mess. I spend hours and hours and hours doing the mental load of nagging and reminding and managing them, and it makes sod all difference.

I have a DH who was an only child waited on hand foot and finger. They always had a cleaner.
He is a fully functioning adult and so can cook, shop, clear up his own stuff and generally get stuff done.
It's their choice to be like that imo

(Btw neither my sisters nor I knew much about cleaning before we left home as DM did it all at 530am so I never saw her mop a floor. She said we were too much trouble in the kitchen so never cooked either and we all manage. It's not rocket science)

Seriously? That’s like the people on here who excuse their total ignorance of some major event in world history by saying ‘They didn’t teach us that at school.’ If you’re an adult, it’s on you. My parents didn’t teach me basic personal hygiene, as they were both from very, very deprived backgrounds and weren’t really parented themselves, but I’m a big girl now. It’s my job to teach myself things.

You dont have to live together. I couldn't be bothered to train up a bloke. My kids had cleaning and chores as a normal part of life. Oddly my son's are sterling at chores, my daughter is a messy bugger.