To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

[Desupi]

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

Khaled Hosseini Quote: Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman.

And with misogyny, women do it to other women too...

Ah I remember when I used to feel like this about EXDH - then I realised he was just a lazy, selfish twat.

Honestly it really isn't her fault - he just doesn't respect you.

I have no idea what my MIL, nor my FIL 'taught' my husband about tidyness/cleaning because when I met him he was a grown adult, with eyes and hands and a brain that worked, and could figure out that stuff for himself.

You chose poorly, don't blame another woman for it.

You can criticise her for not raising boys to take responsibility for their own well being and home but their father doesn't get to evade responsibility by disappearing and leaving it all up to the mother.

Mainly though these are three adult men who have had plenty of time to learn to take responsibility for themselves. Blame your DH for being a slob around the house because the only person responsible his slobbishness after more than a decade of adulthood is himself.

He's an adult. If he's failing to behave like one that's on him.

Stop blaming a woman for this man's failures

I was raised pretty indulgently and did pretty much no chores until I left home. I don't think it's ideal - it isn't what I'm doing with my own children - but I figured out how to look after myself and my home just fine. Because I'm an adult - and an adult woman, so I'm held responsible for myself...

I'm going with yanbu

If she has 4 sons and all are inept in the housekeeping department, and happy for their partners to tidy up after them, then it does sound as though she rather dropped the ball a bit in that part of their upbringing. Although raising 4 kids solo can't have been easy.

Exactly.

How can you sit and watch someone doing chores for both of you and be ok with that, knowing you haven't done your share?

They think it's women's work, and nothing to do with them.

A surprising number of men don't actually like or care about their partners. They like the free maid, free sex, free childrearing, free PA and have to put up with the woman to get all that. Occasionally buying flowers or whatever to keep her invested.

But they're adults now so need to get on with it.

This can’t be real?! You blaming his mum is as bad as him being a lazy fucker

he's a grown arsed man honest to god you are as bad as his mum saying he can't manage because a woman didn't teach him ! tell him to get an actual grip!

She brought her two ds up on her own. They did absolutely nothing in the house.

My late MIL was like this, she was born in 1910 though. She was once staying and my now late OH was sitting in an armchair smoking and watching TV. He'd had a couple of drinks so was a bit snoozy. The ash on the end of his cigarette that he wasn't now smoking got longer and longer, MIL looked at me, nodded towards his cigarette, when I ignored her she got up, picked up an ash tray, went over to him, apologised for disturbing him and knock the ash off into the ashtray!
When she first had a full meal at my parents' house my father walked into the kitchen at the end pf the meal and came back with a tea towel and a washing-up cloth saying to my OH and my brother Who's washing and who's wiping?. she was appalled that Men were being expected to enter the kitchen!

Exactly this! Men choose to be ‘bad’ at housework cos they know the wife will pick it up! It’s all a choice the man makes. Nothing rocket science about housework

So what is he like at work, or at other people's houses? Does he leave those places in a mess? Or is it only at home, where he knows he has a skivvy to clean up after him?

You're a mug for blaming his mum and essentially excusing a grown man for not doing tasks that a child can do.

This is on your DH for choosing to continue to behave as if he’s still living with his mother.

And you’re enabling it by ‘rage cleaning’ rather than making him take responsibility for helping sort whatever needs doing.

Raising three sons alone is no easy feat, maybe housework was least of her worries?

I would be sympathetic towards her instead of being angry with her. She’s got useless sons who have grown into useless men.

If you want to blame his mother for his past then surely it’s your fault that he’s still like it?
Mustn’t blame the poor adult man for his own actions!

YABU. She didn't make him be untidy; he could choose not to be. I know super-untidy people reacting against compulsively tidy upbringings, and super-tidy people reacting against growing up in a pigsty.

One could just as easily (and unfairly) blame you for cleaning up after him!

Oh come on he's a grown man. Blaming his mummy is ridiculous.

It is pure misogyny to blame a woman because a man won't pick up after himself. He's a grown-ass man responsible for his own behavior--leave his mother out of it.

I didn't do chores at home either. Weirdly I just learnt how to do it when I moved out because I had nobody to do it for me.

Well if his father died that's obviously not his fault, if he just fucked off then wow, great way to avoid being held responsible for how his kid turned out.

But only he is responsible for himself now that he's an adult. Stop blaming a woman. Or if you must blame a woman for him, blame yourself...you chose him.

What is your excuse for putting up with him for 12 years and even reproducing with him?

Lazy grubby git should be a deal breaker

I suppose it's easier to blame MIL because if you hold him responsible, that makes you responsible for choosing him.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

What does this mean?

You were together 6 years before you moved in together- you must have seen where/how he lived? Then another 6 years before you decided to have a baby together.

You need to stop raging at his mother, send him the ‘She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink’ article and the mental load comic by Emma and pray to all the bloody goddesses that he’ll be an equal partner in parenting and the hugely disproportionate increase in domestic shit that’s coming. Maternity leave will be miserable if you don’t both sort it now.