To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

[Desupi]

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

Stop blaming her! For goodness sake! I grew up in a very relaxed and messy house and was never told to tidy or clean. However I managed to learn how to do it myself as an adult. Your DH is more than capable of tidying. It's not rocket science.

Well it won’t be because I encouraged them NOT to clean up after themselves etc. Ultimately you choose how to live but part of it is how you were brought up.

Don't marry him then. Why would you move in with such a messy person? If you have kids together it will just be worse.

And not only that, they’ll learn from the OP that it’s actually their grandmother’s fault. They’ll be raised thinking that it’s okay for men to be shit and that it’s okay to blame other women for it.

The logic here astounds me. Man’s behaviour is a problem; quick, find a woman to blame.

If your DH is old enough to be getting married, he’s old enough to be responsible for his own tidiness or lack thereof.

My dh was never allowed to do chores at home (his dad is very particular- they weren't even allowed to make a pot noodle in case it messed the kitchen). He moved out when he was 18 and despite never 'learning' how to do those things, surprise surprise he can. I would never have got with a man who was so incapable of hoovering or washing his clothes.

My MIL ran around after her four children and her bone idle husband until the day she died. FIL literally didn’t know how to peel a potato or make a cup of tea. Unfortunately H isn’t much better despite my best efforts over the years, so yes, I do blame my MIL 🤬
Thankfully my DCs were brought up very differently, both very capable before they even left for university.

My partner appears to have been brought up very well by his mother who had him doing chores very young (she died before I met him, so I can't confirm this with her).

However, this has not made him a helpful partner at home as an adult.

Ultimately we are all adults now and can't blame our upbringing for basically being lazy.

And yes, @LylaLee is spot on about the fathers contribution.

If your mil is widowed, fair play to her doing whatever she needed to do to get 4 boys alone to adult hood.

If the fil is still about, your title should read 'AIBU to be angry that FIL left all the child rearing work to MIL who did her best alone, but with the absence of a father figure, thanks to selfish FIL, my boyfriend is now following in his useless fathers footsteps as he has learnt from him that housework and childcare is womens work.'

I feel the same. But my sons are exactly like their father, despite both of us trying our best to ensure that they won’t be. So maybe it is not just mil’s fault…

If you couldn't do it, and she couldn't do it, do you think that might mean the problem is him? And you don't want to admit that because it means accepting your own bad judgement and justifying why you put up with it?

I hope that's the last time you ever helped her out! What an absolute cow.

@InefficientProcess is he getting married?

I look forward to being able to blame you for every one of their adult failings.

My mum never really made me or my sisters tidy or do chores, or taught us to cook or clean. She was a SAHM and I think just saw that as her role. (We definitely should have helped more in my opinion however I didn’t question it at the time). However once I left home, I quickly realised if I wanted nice food and a house I could invite people round to and feel comfortable in, I’d need to learn to do these things, so I did. Just saying the fact your DH didn’t do it as a child/teenager is one thing, and partly due to his mother. but the fact he’s still not as an adult is his responsibility.

I think the issue is that you chose to cohabit and raise a family with a man who doesn't pull his weight at home - why would he change now? He knows you'll just do it for him.

Let's not blame mothers for the behaviour of their grown ass sons. He can see you doing it can't he - why does he think it's your job alone in 2023? And why doesn't he want to help you out as a consideration? Telling him off makes no difference because he knows you won't leave him over it, and will do it yourself. You want him to change? Stop doing it, or bring in a cleaner or leave him if his laziness extends beyond just cleaning. His mum may have raised him to be untidy but you have chosen him as your life partner knowing how he was. So it could be argued that your mum should have raised you to choose a partner with basic hygiene and more respect for women - but your choices are not her fault and his untidiness is not your MIL's fault.

Just going by the ‘don’t marry him then’ comments. And the OP describing herself as a DIL.

He’s definitely old enough to be getting married. Even if he’s not making plans to marry the woman currently tidying up after him.

Well my mum made me clean , was over critical,expected every chore to be perfect. Once I left home I lived in chaos and mess (and thrived on it) until DD came along, and even that took a while.

My MIL never made DH lift a finger;she literally waited on him hand and foot;she'd prepped all of his food and put it on a tray and would come trotting through with it like a butler.

She'd put his socks and pants out for him in the airing cupboard each morning and would clean and tidy his room for him daily once he went out.

She'd do all of his laundry right down to putting it away in his room for him.

My FIL was in the picture and he'd try to do housework but my MIL wouldn't let him and insisted he do "blue jobs" such as gardening and DIY instead.FIL would try to get DH to do chores but MIL would let him get out of doing them which undermined my FIL.

And when DH and I lived together she would do the whole "My poor son works so hard he shouldn't have to be bothered by housework etc" routine.

We've lived together 21 years and honestly I tried til I'm blue in the face but he will not do housework;I refuse to do his laundry though;he of course uses weaponised incompetence and does stuff like living baskets of his wet washing all over the kitchen so they are in the way or leaving his wet laundry in the dryer so someone else is forced to dry his laundry so they can use the dryer.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with parents, I have three brothers, one is ridiculously tidy and organised, one is bordering on ferral and the other is just normal. My mum worked full time, was not fastidiously tidy, but not lazy either.

I would say I’m quite lazy when it comes to housework whereas my husband is more in to cleanliness than me. Don’t think it’s how they were brought up.

My MIL is like this with her last 2 sons who are still living at home. Makes their breakfasts, cups of tea and clears up after them. The youngest (22) is the worst. Leaves his plates at the top of the stairs when he's finished his food. One time it was 3:20pm and he came down asking where his 3pm cuppa was. Couldn't believe it. DH does things for himself and clears up after himself. I do all the housework as I'm a SAHM

Speaking as someone whose adult dc have just left home, and having spent many hours cajoling, begging, insisting, pleading that they do their bit around the house, these sort of threads really piss me off!

It really is outrageous when young adults turn around and blame parents for something they spent half of their lives refusing to do!

It’s so f**king unfair to blame the mother! Even mothers who give up trying after a while!

Your mil probably found it easier to do herself than argue op! Sometimes you only have enough energy for one or the other.

It’s an unpopular opinion on here but I agree with you. I’d be embarrassed if my son grew up to be a lazy, selfish man who left everything to his wife.

I see a lot on social media nowadays about women raising their sons to be good future husbands, clearly MN hasn’t kept up.

You were with him for six years, lived with him six years and you've never pulled him on it?
Instead preferring to blame his mother.

Your previous threads don’t paint this as a blissful relationship, you won’t let him go to martial arts with a woman, you’re annoyed that his sibling got his wife pregnant, you’ve already posted about him being a burden to live with. Nothing anyone can say, really apart from good luck with that.