To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

[Desupi]

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

I’ve taught DCs to cook, wash etc. But I don’t believe in an expectation of them doing chores. There is an expectation of room tidying, laundry to basket etc. and the offer of cooking or washing up is accepted. The example of how we run the house - me cooking, washing; the DH cleaning; both of us shopping - is what stands as the model for the future

YABVU to blame your MIL. Blame your DP.

So full credit to MIL for all of your partner's good points, of which I'm sure there are many since you've been with him for 12 years and are having a kid together?

My mum is incredibly tidy. She raised me to be tidy.

I'm not.

People are naturally tidy people or naturally slobs. Hugely unfair of you to blame your MIL rather than your DP.

My DP and his siblings never had to do a thing in the house, his SAH mother waited on the lot of them hand and foot.

Amazingly, they all learned how to be tidy and clear up after themselves. I suspect that if your DP wanted to be tidy, he could learn, too.

Of course, she may also have taught him to be entitled to have someone clear up after him, which is possibly harder to unlearn.

We've lived together 21 years and honestly I tried til I'm blue in the face but he will not do housework;I refuse to do his laundry though;he of course uses weaponised incompetence and does stuff like living baskets of his wet washing all over the kitchen so they are in the way or leaving his wet laundry in the dryer so someone else is forced to dry his laundry so they can use the dryer.

I would just put his basket of wet laundry on his bed. And I’d take wet laundry out if the dryer and dump it on the floor (or where it’s inconvenient to him, if the floor would inconvenience me) so I could dry my stuff.

I don’t care if that’s petty. No adult gets to refuse to do housework.

Once STBXH made himself lunch for work and then just left everything for me to tidy up. I did not. I cleaned around it and left it there for days. After 3 days he had a go at me about being petty and I very clearly told him that I am not his bloody servant.

I hope you don’t cook for him.

My mum and dad were both chronically untidy. So am I. So is one of my DC. The others have rebelled, and are tidy (boys and girls alike).

You're either tidy or you aren't. If you're not a tidy person, you'll never be able to see the point of it, so you're flogging a dead horse if you expect someone to suddenly 'get it'.

I had a really lovely childhood but my mum always had the view that some things were 'women's work'. As a result my brother got off quite lightly when it came to chores. However when he moved in with his now wife, everything changed. He learned how to do stuff because he was no longer living solo and wanted to be a team with his wife.

Your DP can learn and if he's choosing not to, that's a bigger discussion.

My Mum never got us to do any household chores at all.

We have all grown up to be domestically competent and attentive. Sisters and brothers alike.

That's not gentle parenting, that sounds like permissive parenting- big difference. I agree it's unfair to feel the annoyance with her, but I definitely understand it!

He's an adult, it's not his mum's fault.

Yes it starts and finishes with him being a lazy arse Man.

I was a hugely slovenly teenager and was pretty messy in my twenties. I’m now a neat freak after three children. You can’t blame his mother - he just needs to grow up.

What about when he became an adult op?

YABU.

My sisters and I all had the same upbringing. One of us is very very tidy, two others are middling tidy, and one of us is hopeless.

My two sons had the same upbringing. One is reasonably tidy and the other is very untidy but a great cook and also very good at washing up.

Why stop there, OP?

Why not blame MIL's parents for raising her to raise a son who was untidy?

Or their parents for raising children who raised a child who raised a child who was untidy as an adult?

I was determined not to raise useless husbands, my DC stripped their own beds from 4yo and regularly cleaned the bathroom from about 11 yo, responsible for their own laundry etc. I am most definitely not an oh bless they can do no wrong mother. They still drive me mad, at 20 & 22 with their inability to pick up after themselves.

They're willing enough when asked to do something, but they don't see what needs doing, just like their dad. 🤬

Yeah, always find a woman to blame for a man’s faults. He’s a grown ass adult. He chooses not to tidy or clean. It’s his fault.

My DP was raised in a household where his mum did all the cooking and he wasn't even allowed in the kitchen, as well as not doing any cleaning or tidying. I've shown him how to do some housework stuff over the years. But that's been all: he himself has taken responsibility for the majority of the cooking and a reasonable share of housework and childcare (I work part time).

I'm glad my parents taught me some of these things, but adults are responsible for their own contributions either way.

I definitely had bad judgement when I married him, in retrospect, however he was almost the opposite until we married.
Yes, the problem is him but there’s also the fact that he was brought up to believe that housework, cooking etc were a woman’s job (which his mother told me), and this was amplified by his father’s behaviour.
Quite simply if MIL didn’t do it his father and brothers would have sponged off relatives and neighbours rather than doing it themselves (as demonstrated when MIL went away for a month!) The house when she returned was absolutely disgusting.

YABU. He's an adult in a relationship who is entirely capable of understanding the consequences of his actions and attitudes. More fool you for putting up with him.

You've chosen to have a child with him. Do you think he is going to change?
He is an adult, he can see men around him doing chores, being dads, he can see you struggling with chores, why hasn't he stepped up?

Dont you see that you are the same as your MiL?

When she says he cant help do the pots "because he is a man", your comment about FiL having the excuse of "not being in the picture" is just the same. Excusing the man, blaming the woman.

Unless he is dead, which if so you should have said and you can ignore my post 😁

Assuming you are not living with a teenager who might need told to show their home and partner some respect this is 100% on your dp and nothing to do with your MIL now.

If you don't like his "attitude" why are you living with and having babies with him?

DH's dad was pretty hands off as a dad, DH has been an amazing dad. You don't have to follow your parent's example