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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

258 replies

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:06

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

OP posts:
IhaveanewTVnow · 10/12/2023 16:09

My son is in the RAF. His bedroom at home is a shit heap. His room at “work” is spotless. I’ve tried. He hoards, he can get an old car through its MOT, his mates pop round to ask him to help them on their cars, he can cook anything, he is kind. His girlfriend is as messy as him. My other son is very tidy.

please don’t blame the mother.

HerMammy · 10/12/2023 16:10

I'm assuming he's in his 30s, perfectly capable of learning how to do things, has he remained on a sofa all his life? has he got a job?
Lazy useless man using his mother as an excuse

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/12/2023 16:12

Personality comes into it too. My mother wouldn't let my brother lift a finger, yet since getting married he has always done his share of housework/parenting. I was asked to do some housework and did, but as an adult, do the bare minimum I can in order not to live in a mess.

Londonnight · 10/12/2023 16:14

MIL'S get blamed for everything!
As a fully grown adult your partner is responsible for himself. He chooses not to help. Lay the blame where it is deserved -- with him.

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 16:16

I've been with some old friends this weekend and we deduced that whilst we are all strong women and can see that women are moving in the right direction these days, independence without men, careers etc, it has happened quickly, no one has actually prepared the men for this.

They are largely still catching up with the new normal.

ExTheCheater · 10/12/2023 16:18

Oh let's not blame the useless grown man, must be a womans fault. Heaven forbid bringing his dad in to it. Jesus christ op. Edited to add as you've been with him for 12 years it must now be entirely your fault that the poor man is useless.

category12 · 10/12/2023 16:24

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 16:16

I've been with some old friends this weekend and we deduced that whilst we are all strong women and can see that women are moving in the right direction these days, independence without men, careers etc, it has happened quickly, no one has actually prepared the men for this.

They are largely still catching up with the new normal.

Funny, how few of them seem to have a problem with their partners working full-time, though, isn't it?

5128gap · 10/12/2023 16:25

Domestic chores are not highly skilled endeavours in which we require training from childhood. Being considerate to another person and pulling your weight in keeping a shared environment to a decent standard speaks more of an adults personality than their upbringing. If your MiL chose to do all the domestic chores herself that's entirely up to her and irrelevant to your current predicament. My father chose to do all the DIY and decorating when I was a child, and didn't force me to help with that. I do my share of it in my own home now.

Xmasblues · 10/12/2023 16:27

I was raised by a mum with MH issues and there were various issues growing up.

I find it very difficult to adult like a normal person.
Cooking, cleaning and general life skills are very difficult for me and I do believe a lot of this was caused by my mums issues.

However, as an adult I have to suck it up and do the best that I can.

I moved out in my own as a teen and really struggled at first and lived off things like instant smash and pot noodles.

But since then I have spent lots of time borrowing books from the library and then using the internet to help me learn how to do it properly.

As an adult he can watch you do the washing up and hoovering etc once or twice and easily be able to pick it up, as there’s not much skill to it at all.

There is absolutely no excuse and although his mum probably hadn’t helped the situation, she is not to blame and this is all on him.

Stop being such a mug and hand him the hoover.
You should both be doing chores 50/50.

PKDaisy · 10/12/2023 16:29

My ex used to think a magic fairy did all the housework and shopping. We both worked full time. Do I blame his mother? Yes I do. His father used to tell his sons to pick up after themselves, iron their own shirts help with household chores. He tried to lead by example. But he was largely ignored. His mother ruled with an iron rod and housework was her domain.
In my case the fairy quit after about 6 months.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 10/12/2023 16:30

A woman is responsible for every filthy pig of a man- did you not realise?

presentadvice · 10/12/2023 16:30

IHateWasps · 10/12/2023 14:15

Regardless of how he was raised your partner is a grown adult who is perfectly capable of changing his behaviour if he wants to do so. His laziness is on him, not his Mother.

Absolutely fucking this!

Holly60 · 10/12/2023 16:32

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:14

For those questioning... Fil is not in the picture

So she was a single mother raising 4 sons? YABU.

Fairyliz · 10/12/2023 16:33

Oh no not another whiny man child. Nobody taught me boo hoo.
Funny how they can all learn to do things they want to isn’t it. I don’t suppose your mil taught him to drive; but it’s highly likely that he can’t

presentadvice · 10/12/2023 16:35

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:17

For those saying, I am very vocal towards my DP for his attitude towards cleaning. It is probably the only thing we argue about. But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

And it can end with him if he wants it to. He doesn't want it to end. All the blame is with him.

SpidersAreShitheads · 10/12/2023 16:35

That’s not gentle parenting.

Not even close.

Simonjt · 10/12/2023 16:35

I wasn’t encouraged to be tidy etc growing up. I keep our home clean and tidy (as done my husband) as I’m a grown up. If he is only to do things mummy taught him to do he must find the world of work particularly difficult, because mummy didn’t take him on work experience.

HagoftheNorth · 10/12/2023 16:35

Well, you’ve been with him for 12 years, and since she is 100% responsible for how he is, it looks like she did a decent job overall?

Holly60 · 10/12/2023 16:35

Cloudisi · 10/12/2023 14:44

I didn't do chores at home either. Weirdly I just learnt how to do it when I moved out because I had nobody to do it for me.

Exactly this. My mum picked up after me and never really even asked me to do chores.

When I moved out I realised I had to do it myself and learned.

presentadvice · 10/12/2023 16:37

vernatheraven · 10/12/2023 16:16

I've been with some old friends this weekend and we deduced that whilst we are all strong women and can see that women are moving in the right direction these days, independence without men, careers etc, it has happened quickly, no one has actually prepared the men for this.

They are largely still catching up with the new normal.

Oh my God, of all the excuses made for men, this must be with worse.

Simonjt · 10/12/2023 16:39

presentadvice · 10/12/2023 16:37

Oh my God, of all the excuses made for men, this must be with worse.

Show quote history

The poor little men, with their teeny tiny mens brains, remember they can only do what their mummy taught them.

BIossomtoes · 10/12/2023 16:43

You’re blaming another woman for a man’s untidiness? Really? My bloke’s ex military and if the Army couldn’t make him tidy, no woman ever stood a chance!

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 10/12/2023 16:44

I presume he picked up skills in order to work?
He must be delighted he's found a replacement skivvy servant to replace his mummy.

Nonplusultra · 10/12/2023 16:44

But by that logic you’re responsible for not straightening him out in the last 6 years (poor helpless manikins)

LilyThePinksDealer · 10/12/2023 16:46

You don't need training on how to be clean and tidy. If your husband lives by himself he'd do it. Instead of being pissed off at his mother get him to tidy up!!