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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry at how my MIL raised DP to be untidy

258 replies

Desupi · 10/12/2023 14:06

During my rage cleaning session today, made worse by pregnancy hormones, I couldn't help but feel, probably unreasonably, angry towards MIL for how she raised my DP and his 3 brothers who are now all over 23.

MIL is lovely but is gentle parenting personified, and a 'my boys can do no wrong' type of person.

Whenever me and all 3 sister in law's have complained about each son's untidiness and general 'Kevin & Perry' attitude to being told to do chores, her reaction is just to laugh in a "oh aren't they funny" way.

She has also previously said that she didn't like to force each boy to do something they didn't like, and would instead allocate chores based on what each so preferred doing. I'm sorry but this does not prepare your child for the real world, it just creates a problem for your next daughter in law.

Just a disclaimer, we have been together for 12 years and only moved in together after 6 years so the "you knew what he was like" comments are not welcome here 😂

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 11/12/2023 21:45

Our parents are a bit crap on the cleaning and tidying front and didn’t really teach us.
I’ve somehow managed. My brother is even better.
My husband went to boarding school and does just fine.
It’s all excuses to say an able adult can’t work out how to clean or tidy. I struggle with it, so I’ve read books and more recently joined Facebook groups for tips.

BooneyBeautiful · 11/12/2023 21:51

IHateWasps · 10/12/2023 14:20

But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

Regardless it's your partner who is perpetuating it. He's the problem, not his Mother. She could have done everything "right" and still produced a lazy son.

This. My adult DS is incredibly untidy! His DF was the same, but that wouldn't have influenced him because DF left when DS was only three. I am reasonably tidy, but DD is extremely tidy. Sometimes it's just the way people are.

GirlsAloudReturnMadeMyYEAR · 11/12/2023 21:51

Parenting has sod all to do with it now he's an adult and a parent to be himself. If you and your sil's are always moaning at her no wonder she answers in that way, not very nice really. I'm sure when you're a mil you won't want to be blamed for every quibble their future partner has with them.

celticprincess · 11/12/2023 22:02

I’m useless at tidying but it’s not my mum’s fault. I struggle with clutter. My mum has mostly a Shoshone type house but one clutter room. My house isn’t big enough for a clutter room. My kids are useless at tidying too. I try, they try. I actually the ink some people do struggle with this!

Vinrouge4 · 11/12/2023 22:16

I didn't expect my children to do any chores and they have all grown up okay and are very domesticated in their own houses. You cannot blame your MIL. Your husband is an adult and can work out for himself what needs to be done.

CurlewKate · 11/12/2023 22:18

When I think of all the things men learn post-18. Driving. Brain surgery. Flying a plane. Cordon bleu cookery. Painting the white lines down the middle of roads. Upholstery. The offside rule. Some even learn how to be good at sex. Loads of things. It's really strange that the only thing they can't learn is how to look after a house and do laundry.

Pickledprawn · 11/12/2023 22:19

My mother is incredibly untidy and I was never taught how to clean. I figured it out for myself as an adult eventually. You cant blame his mum.

mambojambodothetango · 11/12/2023 22:51

I understand your point OP - yes of course it's on him now but we are all products of how we were raised and it sounds as though there was no expectation from either parent that your young DH should need to know how to do a range of basic chores.

My MIL laughs about how she would run around picking up my DH's clothes off the floor and then wash them (when he'd only been trying to decide what to wear to go out) when he was a teenager. She doesn't see it at all that there's a link between that and the 46 year old who leaves his clothes scattered around the house now.

I'm not just blaming her of course, it's also on FIL for not modelling a husband who shares the burden of the chores, or teaching his son to have more respect for his mother. Or teaching him how to just tidy up!

Lea1234 · 11/12/2023 22:55

Of course it could have contributed but not necessarily, my parents were always pretty tidy and encouraged me to be but it's something I still struggle with a lot but I have made a lot of progress and still getting there (autism and ADHD), also some people with messy parents end up really neat. Just saying it's not always as black and white as it seems.

Yes she made mistakes by the sound of what you have described, but I'm not sure what being angry at her is going to achieve? His childhood is long gone and he needs to take responsibility and try to find ways to improve.

Also, I'm confused by the gentle parenting reference, nothing you have said in your original post sounds like gentle parenting? Permissive parenting maybe, but those two are world apart. Gentle parenting is built on setting boundaries and rules it's just enforcing them with empathy and respect.

Ploctopus · 11/12/2023 22:56

YABU for blaming your MIL for the behaviour of your husband, a literal full grown man.

He is perfectly capable of behaving like a decent human being and the only person responsible for the fact that he’s a selfish, slovenly shit is him.

Yummers8 · 11/12/2023 23:15

But you DID know what he was like……

Findinganewme · 11/12/2023 23:20

I am far tidier than my parents, because I want to be. I have lived out on my own for long enough to make my own choices, just as your partner is.

sounds like your MIL raised her boys on her own? My husband frequently travels internationally for work and it’s not the same thing, but even in this situation I find it so emotionally and mentally draining, to raise my two children; from school work, to developmental issues, to pre puberty challenging behaviours, little one waking up in the night sometimes…it’s exhausting and lonely. If your MIL had to let go and ‘relax’ then hats off to her.

you have lived with your partner for 6 years…are you angry / upset because you’re hormonal or nesting ? Or is it because you feel like the rest of life is out of control so you want to instil some tidiness, order and control?

OhcantthInkofaname · 12/12/2023 01:51

I have 2 sons 39 and 43. One is a slob, he can cook. The other is tidy, and hates to cook. They know how to clean.

I refused to live in a toxic dirty home. After they hit the teen years cleaning their rooms and clothing was their responsibility not mine.

SnozPoz · 12/12/2023 05:32

Let's blame the woman once again shall we? Very tedious. Your husband being untidy and lazy is on your husband and your husband alone. Have it out with him.

Simonjt · 12/12/2023 06:33

Darlingx · 11/12/2023 18:51

My partner is domestically inept Thanks to his mum running after him and putting him on a pedestal. My brother is the same never had to do a single domestic chore went to prep school private school snd had a cleaner at Uni whilst my sister and I were working as cleaners whilst doing degrees . Only guy I met who was houseproud was a complete womaniser it seems I can’t escape this dynamic . I cannot afford to live on my own my partner earns more our rent has doubled. Its more expensive being a woman . Haircuts etc all priced higher . Every guy I dated had a cleaner basically its all outsourced to a woman somewhere down the line and yes it makes me furious the only way to win is to become a domestic slob and not see the mess and dirt it seems or outsource it to another woman ☹️

Do you not see the irony? Rather than holding an adult accountable you are outsourcing their behaviour to another woman.

Him being lazy and selfish is an active choice, its nothing to do with his mother. My husband was a boarder and had everything done for him until he was 18, he didn’t even have to put his own washing in a washing basket, or remove his own bedding. However as he is an adult the only person responsible for his actions is him. As he isn’t a selfish lazy prick he keeps our home clean, washes his clothes and feeds his children, because they are basic adult responsibilities.

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 06:40

@Lea1234 " She doesn't see it at all that there's a link between that and the 46 year old who leaves his clothes scattered around the house now. "

That's because there isn't. HTH

K4tM · 12/12/2023 08:28

Jeez. To be a mother in law! Apparently they re all terrible people who deliberately raise their children to be night mare adults and exist to torture their son’s wives. I mean for real?

BogRollBOGOF · 12/12/2023 08:35

Parents should set their children up with skills to get through life. Skills can be learned in other ways later on too, but knowing them from youth is an advantage.
Parental culture runs deeper and if a child goes into adulthood with an expectation that chores are for other people to deal with, not them, that's very difficult to turn around.

If MiL is a mollycoddler, and has produced several domestically inept children, then it's likely that her attitudes and actions have shaped that.
If it was one child and the rest are all functional and fair, then that's a personality issue of that individual.

We don't have to stay on the path set in childhood and can choose to do things differently as adults, so that's on OP's partner.

OP's choice in the matter is how to live (or not) with a partner who doesn't want to pull their weight domestically.

Butchyrestingface · 12/12/2023 08:37

Poor bloody woman raised four weans on her own and now has to run the gauntlet of her daughters-in-law moaning at her because they didn’t have the wit to figure out they were getting in tow with a lazy arse.

Brefugee · 12/12/2023 08:39

Presumably he hasn't just started doing this? Don't blame pregnancy hormones - blame him for being a lazy, messy sod.

Don't blame another woman for the actions of a grown man, FGS.

Is this your first baby? Disabuse yourself now of what you think "gentle parenting" is - because it isn't what you describe MIL as doing.

BIossomtoes · 12/12/2023 09:03

BogRollBOGOF · 12/12/2023 08:35

Parents should set their children up with skills to get through life. Skills can be learned in other ways later on too, but knowing them from youth is an advantage.
Parental culture runs deeper and if a child goes into adulthood with an expectation that chores are for other people to deal with, not them, that's very difficult to turn around.

If MiL is a mollycoddler, and has produced several domestically inept children, then it's likely that her attitudes and actions have shaped that.
If it was one child and the rest are all functional and fair, then that's a personality issue of that individual.

We don't have to stay on the path set in childhood and can choose to do things differently as adults, so that's on OP's partner.

OP's choice in the matter is how to live (or not) with a partner who doesn't want to pull their weight domestically.

She brought up four boys all by herself. When you’ve successfully done that come back and tell us because only then will you be in a position to criticise her.

DangerousAlchemy · 12/12/2023 12:26

Did your DH not go to Uni & have to fend for himself for 3/4 years? I never did much cooking & cleaning before I left home for Uni as my DM was a SAHP & did most of the chores at the crack of dawn lol. I'm still neat & tidy & can cook/clean etc - I learned because I had to. Why has your DH never learned OP? If you've lived together for 6 years already why hasn't he changed his ways? My kids don't really have set chores as they are both busy revising atm but both are tidy & helpful when asked. It's really not that hard.

BIossomtoes · 12/12/2023 12:54

Not everyone goes to university @DangerousAlchemy.

Brefugee · 12/12/2023 12:58

if we're going to start blaming women though: how about the woman he's lived with for 6 years not having put her foot down after the first week of this? C'mon OP, you should have trained him by now.

monsteramunch · 12/12/2023 13:29

But my issue is it started somewhere didn't it?

Where does this end though? Being angry with MIL's parents because they didn't teach her to teach sons to clean?

Your husband is a grown man. The crux of it is that he would rather continue to behave in a way he knows makes you sad than make the effort to change.

And he either knows it's unfair but doesn't care about your feelings or is just such a misogynist that he genuinely believes cleaning is women's work so sees it as your responsibility and not his.

I bet you both refer to him doing chores as 'helping' you?

Either way he's the dick, not your MIL.