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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying a house with bf AIBU?

275 replies

confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:37

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 10/12/2023 10:43

Do not buy a house with this man! He is showing you exactly what he will be like to share a house with. It is up to you whether you take the warning he is giving you.

Workawayxx · 10/12/2023 10:45

So his suggestion is that you pay 50% of the mortgage but get 30% of the equity? I’d not agree to this. Keep your house. Or you pay 30% of the mortgage and save the rest on your name.

ButterCupPie · 10/12/2023 10:47

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

If a man said that to me, I'd be out like a shot. Out of the house purchase and out of the relationship. What a wanker. Raise your bar, girl! FGS. If you can't face splitting up because you 'lurve' him, give your head a bloody great big wobble. If you can't face splitting up because you prefer the standard of lifestyle his income brings, then give it an even bigger wobble. You and your 'litt;e baby' deserve better.

ThereIsIron · 10/12/2023 10:47

After deposits are paid and ring fenced you are both equally invested in the property, so it's fair you are each entitled to 50% of the equity.

Don't buy a house with this man.

IDoLikeToBeByTheSea · 10/12/2023 10:47

Red flag! Don’t buy a house with him if that’s his mindset already.

Sapphire387 · 10/12/2023 10:48

For the love of God, do not sell your house to move in with this man. I would run for the hills.

What's his stance on marriage, btw? Not saying you should... but I bet he's not keen.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 10/12/2023 10:49

Don't buy a house with him.

SapphOhNo · 10/12/2023 10:50

As PPs said.... Massive red flag. Run for the hills.

Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:52

He's not keen on marriage.

His stance on this has been a turn off for me as it feels like a business arrangement which he wants favourable conditions for him, not a relationship.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 10/12/2023 10:52

Out of curiosity, what would people's responses be if the situation were reversed?

Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:52

Would it be fair if I paid 30% of the mortgage?

This was my thought to suggest to him.

OP posts:
Bobcat246 · 10/12/2023 10:53

If he wants 70% of the equity he pays 70% of the mortgage. Do not have a child with him unless you're married otherwise you won't be able to claim a fairer share of the house if you split to provide for your housing needs.

Original poster
confusedgf2 · 10/12/2023 10:55

@Bobcat246 I do have a child with him already.

I own my own house with a mortgage already. It's small but I can afford it.

It feels risky to go in with him when he's thinking like this. Although I would get my deposit back to buy again.

OP posts:
thesnailandthewhale · 10/12/2023 10:57

When I bought my first property with ex I paid the deposit which was 20% of he value of the property. It was agreed that if we split I would get 20% of the property's selling price back first then we equally split the remainder. Could you suggest the same?

Coconutter24 · 10/12/2023 10:57

“Although I would get my deposit back to buy again.”

This sentence makes me think you may give in to him on what he wants. Don’t do it. How is it fair if you’re both paying 50/50 on new mortgage? Has he gave any logic?

evenbarnyardanimals · 10/12/2023 10:58

Are you working FT?
I note you say the bills would be 50/50, but does this include the childcare bill? Will he support you to fully develop your career and invest in your pension ? Or are you expected to subjugate that too?
You need to be fully independent with the type of man you've described here OP so be careful.

Whiskeypowers · 10/12/2023 10:59

ThereIsIron · 10/12/2023 10:47

After deposits are paid and ring fenced you are both equally invested in the property, so it's fair you are each entitled to 50% of the equity.

Don't buy a house with this man.

This.

suggest sticking to separate homes and working out child contact schedules since you won’t be mugged off by him in this way.

evenbarnyardanimals · 10/12/2023 10:59

What is his logic for wanting a 70/30 equity split if you're paying 50% of the monthly mortgage ? That doesn't make any sense.

TheGrimm · 10/12/2023 11:00

Don’t buy a house with this man.

jesterdourt · 10/12/2023 11:00

Out of curiosity, what would people's responses be if the situation were reversed?

This is where I’m an absolute hypocrite as I think the OP should be wary but if I was the in the same situation & had more money I do everything I could to protect myself.

skyeisthelimit · 10/12/2023 11:01

He is right to want 70% of total equity when sold, but not right that you should pay 50/50 of the mortgage. The equity should be in the ratio of the deposit and the mortgage payments, so if he wants 70% of the equity then he needs to pay 70% of the mortgage.

If you are only paying 30% then you may be able to save some money to pay a chunk off the mortgage and get your shares more equalised over time, and get the deeds changed to reflect it, so maybe change if you could get to 60/40 and again at 50/50.

When I bought my house I put down 1/3 and then we owned it 50/50. I wouldn't make that mistake again though, as I could have lost my own money in the divorce, when he had paid nothing into the equity, and from now on, if I ever remarried and re-mortgaged, I would own my share in the ratio of capital and pay the same ratio in the mortgage.

greencheetah · 10/12/2023 11:01

No, I wouldn’t buy a house with him, and I wouldn’t offer to pay 30% of mortgage. If you do that, he will just manipulate your finances so that you end up paying for every other fucking thing.

I would only move in with a man if he was desperate to live with me, intended to respect, care for and support me (obviously reciprocal) but this bloke has seen you coming.

Stay put. Is he paying child maintenance? At the appropriate level? I suspect you will rue the day if you give up your home and independence for this grabby man.

jesterdourt · 10/12/2023 11:02

What is his logic for wanting a 70/30 equity split if you're paying 50% of the monthly mortgage ? That doesn't make any sense.

I suppose his bigger deposit allows them to buy a more expensive house which in theory if prices go up what was bigger & more expensive to start with becomes more so. Maybe buy a cheaper house?

wildwestpioneer · 10/12/2023 11:02

Nothing wrong with it being a business arrangement, it actually should be, but his proposal is ridiculous and would show me in no uncertain terms that his priorities lie with him, and him alone!

I would not buy a house with this man, I'd also make sure he either has the dc 50/50 or pay's maintenance

Sapphire387 · 10/12/2023 11:02

I KNEW you would say he is anti-marriage.

He doesn't really see you as a family.

What are your arrangements for looking after your baby? Do you work FT/PT? And how about him?

Because he sounds a bit like a man who wants the benefits of a wife and child without being willing to actually step up.

I would urge you to consider keeping your own house. If he sees you like this, I don't think the relationship is likely to last.