Buying a house with bf AIBU?

[confusedgf2]

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

On a separate issue I wouldn’t consider moving in with someone who earned nearly 3x my salary and expected bills to be split 50/50

This.
He's telling you who he is, listen.

You will end up paying for household items, food shopping, baby costs because you pay less on the morgage - his cash will increase - yours will have little value.

Stay where you are - he doesn’t care about you. If you move you’ll have additional costs.

IF you go ahead buy as tenants in common with ring fenced deposits.

my concern is about op not being able to buy a house she loves- she loves her house now- say in 3/5/7 years (sorry, op, this relationship could end as early as in 2 years from now) when the inevitable split happens. 30% equity and 30% deposit may not be enough for you to buy again, on your own. to me, your ability to buy again should be the deciding factor.

i own 2 houses now and i am holding on to one of them as i know i will not be able to afford to buy it once i sell it- so making other sacrifices instead.

he says he wants you two to get a bigger/better house for your child- it's a lie- BUT at no point does he consider the child in the event of a split. on the account you have a child together, i would expect 50/50 equity no questions asked so each of you can provide equally for the shared child.

sorry op- you come across as inarticulate hence he is taking advantage. advocate for your and your child's future and don't care if he calls you names.

i am not money oriented, however, i work hard and have always made sure i was paid my dues no matter how those against women equal pay would think/say. i just ignore them. why must i be exploited by an employer or partner??

actually, maybe op can list benefits to her, selling up and buying with this joker.
does op even see any benefits to this?

the whole thing sounds odd.

Of course he's going to say that.

He's the one being grabby and after your money.

There are so many stories on here of women buying a house and having a baby with someone they aren't married to and she ends up paying for everything child related plus 50% of all the bills when she makes maybe 30k and he makes 90k, doing all the childcare and housework while he starts some savings in his name only and he starts piling up the savings while she has nothing or pennies left over at the end of the month.

He's never there because he works long hours plus has lots of hobbies he must attend. He never takes off when the child is sick because that your job and his job is far too important to be inconvenienced.

Nothing will ever be equal with this guy.

Keep your house and your own finances and plans for the future.

I wouldn't share a house purchase (or a home) with a man who said this to me.

Why would a bigger house be better for you and your dc?

I think the truth is, he is grabby, and sees you (and your deposit) as the ticket to a bigger place. Perhaps thinks you should be grateful.

He pays half of childcare? What else does he pay?

Your boyfriend is being VERY unreasonable and grabby

Look at it like this
House costs £200

Boyfriend £70 deposit + £50 mortgage = £120 = 60%
You £30 deposit + £50 mortgage = £80 = 40%

So in the case of a sale/split the value is split 60-40 to him

If he wants ownership to be split 70-30 then the mortgage needs to be split 70-30 too, otherwise you are loosing 10% of the house value.
Nobody I know can afford that
In a healthy relationship Nobody should be looking to exploit their partner like that.

I would think seriously about whether to move in with this bloke and on what grounds to do so.
Whatever you do tie it up with a legal agreement and do not give up work and become financially reliant on him

Did he financially support you during your maternity leave?

How often does he have his child alone?

Yes this is important, especially because it doesn't sound like he pulls his weight with all the work that comes with having a house and a baby.

I think as some previous posters have said- I'd be worried that if I pay less of the mortgage I will end up "making" it up in other areas... paying for more around the house but ending up with less equity.

He didn't contribute towards my maternity leave, I had a good package of 90% for 6 months, after which I returned. He does pay half the childcare costs. He buys clothes and things when needed but the day to day costs I definitely pay for.

Assuming of course that he doesn't then make her pay for everything else. He sounds like the sort of tightwad who would

He sounds like the selfish money orientated asshole, not you. Given that you’ve got a child together I’m not sure why he would want the person who is likely to have the child in their care coming out less favourably. If you’re intent on buying with him I’d definitely say you’re only going to pay 30% of the mortgage.

I would not buy a house with this man. I would not continue in a relationship with this man.

He does not see you as equal partners and he is not prepared to 'share' any of his money with either you or your child. It's his. He is not prepared to marry you in case anything of 'his' becomes 'shared'.

That's not a partnership, love. That's a selfish prick treating you as a nanny with a fanny.

How much parenting alone does he do of your joint child?

Absolutely do not buy a house with him!’

bin him off, you and your baby deserve better, not a dickhead dad!!

I'm not "set" on buying with him.

It's something we've discussed, and the more serious the discussions have become, the more uncomfortable I've felt.

I don't feel like the arrangement he wants is beneficial to me.

I'd rather stay in my own house where I know what is what.

He's definitely money orientated, whereas I am not.

@SecondUsername4me tbh he doesn't do much alone parenting.

The odd things here and there where I need to pop out say for an appointment or something.

But generally it's either me alone with baby or all of us together.

If you didn't have a baby together, would you still be with him?

Maybe better for you if you weren't.

I’m not sure I could get past someone telling me I was grabby ( clearly you are not being grabby).
On 30 grand, you would have had to work hard to get your house? I really wouldn’t be excited about giving that up either.

You say his job includes a lot of hours- does that mean his career hasn’t been impacted at all?

I think you have your answer as you already know he isn't a generous giving type.

If you write it all down on paper who benefits the most from his arrangement, it won't be you and your child.

These types will bankrupt you financially, mentally, and physically over time.

The only way it would be fair is if you both get the uptick in equity related to your deposits as a percentage of the overall value of the property and share the rise in equity on the mortgaged part as you are both paying equally. So if house is worth £300k you would get any rise in equity on your 10% deposit and him on his 23% deposit and you both share equally the rest of the new equity as both equal partners in paying for it. Hope that makes sense.

as others have said though definite red flag and might be worth putting on hold for a bit to see where you land up with the relationship.

It's up to you whether you stay in the relationship, but I certainly wouldn't give up my home to live with someone whose main aim was to cheat me out of my money.

As for marrying him - why would you do that? He puts himself first. That will never change.

The security of owning your own home is invaluable.

Op his attitude is awful. If he is not prepared to marry you then he is not worth living with as you have little security.

Also meant to say- men like this never appreciate the value of a parent looking after their child. There’s a continuous double standard. They don’t compromise their career for family as they recognise the importance of THEIR earning power, but steadfastly refuse to recognise how a child could impact their partner’s earning power over the course of their career.
I think this is deeply and inherently selfish and I don’t think this can be fixed, or negotiated to make right

You've got lots of advice re the mortgage and equity.
Equal is not equity.
Do an estimate of your bills eg £1500 per month. Calculate the percentage of your wages in relation to his eg you earn £2k and he earns £3k. 2/3rds. You should pay £500 and he pays £1000.
If you agree to £750 you're subsidising him. Women generally give more in home then men so he should contribute equitably as a minimum.