Buying a house with bf AIBU?

[confusedgf2]

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

I think there is something wrong with it. They have a baby together!

I don't want to be too outing but the amount I'd be putting in isn't insignificant (to me anyway), it's almost 100k.

I've no issue with us ring-fencing the deposits if we aren't married as I want to protect myself too. The issue was with what happens after that.

Anyway. I've told him tonight in no uncertain terms that we will never be buying a house together under the terms he is proposing.

He is now grovelling to convince me that it can be worked out.

@confusedgf2

He is now grovelling to convince me that it can be worked out.

He will do. he is sensing his plan to milk you financially sinking like a stone.

Don't weaken.

Good for you but I would still hold off until baby is in full time school as he’s shown his true colours and the way he feels about his own mother and his Dad’s money is worrying. He does not like women very much.

Everyone of your posts gets worse OP.

Do not give up your home to buy with this man.

He needs you (money) more than you need him.

Your gut feeling is screaming nooooo.
Ignore it at your peril.

One min I am convinced you are a wind up. so just in case...

Look OP, as part of his grovelling, ask to set at date at teh registry's office. You can marry within 2 months from today. WHilst waiting for the wedding date after booking it, you can be viewing his dream house during that time,, so sale can even go through 3 weeks after the wedding.

Once you are married, it is irrelevant who does what, as long as you ring fence your deposits. I can even pay mortgage 50/50 for 30% equity if married. If the marriage is short, that' will be fair to take with me. If you get lucky and stay married for some years, your child and you will have to be considered in whatever split he wants.

Anything else, as one poster said, is him grovelling because he can see his chance to financially fleece you disappear.

Also, with his attitude, he will replace you when he meets a woman who makes equal to him or higher- one poster already warned you of this.

I talk in millions, but even I recognise £100K is not an insignificant amount. It is a huge amount enabling him to get a house he will never get otherwise.

You make a legal agreement re: the deposit. I think it's called a deed of trust. But I'd both are paying 50: 50?of the mortgage then she's entitled to that minus the deed of trust.

The update only convices me all the more that you need not to buy with him.

He wants your £100k because he'll be able to buy a better house with it. He'll then be able to waltz off with 70% of the equity when he ups and leaves - and the house will have gone up by then, whereas the value of your ring-fenced deposit will have gone down.

The only situation in which you should buy a house with him is if you are married to him.

Definitely use the search here and read stories of women being fleeced by men just like him.

This is worrying- he doesn’t respect his mother’s contribution

@wellwellso why would I be on a wind up?

I had a better paying job before my 30k one. I've got a long term goal re this career change. I also had some inheritance. My house has increased in value over the years. That's how I have near on 100k to potentially but towards a new house with him (I don't think I will be though after the advice here!).

I clearly am not ending my relationship on a random Sunday evening but I'm seriously considering my options after everything that's been said here today.

He now says 50/50 after deposits back is totally fair and he was "confused".

But after reading here I think given the discrepancy in our income me paying 50% of everything might not actually be fair at all!

He'll have a bigger house and way more "spending" money than me.

You need to take this opportunity to reboot your relationship finances.

The whole lot. He’s a right fisted twat. Maybe you can make him see but the fact he thinks like that in the first place is a whole red flag parade.

The fairest way for you to split hills in proportion to your income is York out the total, then he pays 73% and you pay 27%, based on your income ratios.

You could then ring fence your deposits and walk away with the same amounts if you split, however if you went forward with this man, I think that day would come sooner rather than later.

*split bills in proportion
*work out the total

But after reading here I think given the discrepancy in our income me paying 50% of everything might not actually be fair at all!

Because it isn't fair!
This man is an utter gobshite.
He earns 50k more than you but expects you to pay 50% of everything.

He will keep all his savings and 'his' money and carry on doing fuck all parenting whilst you are stuck dealing with all childcare and housework etc.

Seriously, why do you even want to stay with a man who thinks so little of women, especially his own mother.

Stay in your own home. That's your safety net for both you and your baby.

It would only be fair if you paid 30% of the mortgage. If you were paying half the mortgage you should get half of the new equity. I agree that deposits should be protected with a deed of trust (amount in cash, not percentage). My friend got burnt when she didn't do this and then left her boyfriend.

You also need to discuss who will fund what when you're on Mat leave. A partner should be covering your costs or subsidizing when you're not earning due to looking after baby. Don't use savings or get into debt for this. If he won't agree to that then you're better off staying in your own house and claiming child maintenance from him than you are buying somewhere with him.

Yes, a wind up as not many sensible women would let a 'partner' treat them like this. and it's why he keeps pushing the boundaries as, from this thread, you have none.

we have no issues with your salary- so why is it relevant in my reply? Only he has an issue as you said he will use it. see. you are projecting his rubbish, the same way he managed to convince you that you are grabby when he is the one who is grabby.

you need a break or distance from this relationship, until you have had time to process this good advice we have all tried to give you.

the only relevance to your salary is that relationships with huge salary disparity are incompatible as you will have different attitudes to how money is spent, just as he has already demonstrated here.

it's your life, so your decision. just don't come back here 5 years on with 2nd baby and complaining about 30% equity because you are splitting up. if there is any advice you can take on this random sunday evening, don't have more kids with a man you are not married to, and especially this man. if you need to double your contraceptives, please do, on this random sunday evening.

if he wants all the perks of a family man (living full time with child, partner to support looking after the home, joint finance, a bigger house) then he should commit like one and marry you.

I made it very clear that if you want me to carry your child and support your career by picking up all the life stuff, marriage is the only way for that to happen. We planned a wedding in 3 months to make that work.

In particular, I would be wary of buying a bigger house where you get saddled with extra costs, both in terms of maintenance but also time cleaning etc. Especially as he travels so much. Why would you take that on with no benefit to you over the current arrangement?

Allowing yourself to be screwed over won’t benefit the relationship or your child at all. And if you can’t talk about this practical stuff without him trying to negotiate you down constantly then this isn’t a good sign.

You were happy doing 80% of the parenting and running about while he was focusing on his Big Important Job when you thought you were a team, playing to your respective strengths, for the overall good of the family. You've now realised that he doesn't see you as a team, he is in this to advance himself at your expense.

No, 50/50 on bills is not fair when one of you is curtailed by the responsibilities of being a parent, and the other milks that to feather his own nest for himself. The fact he ALSO wanted 70% of any upside AS WELL is just unbelievable.

I don’t think splitting bills based strictly on income percentages is necessarily fair. If one of you was twice as efficient at housework would you say it’s fair for them to do more than fifty percent of the housework so you each do the same time contribution for example.

From a purely economic perspective (ie disregarding the disparities in income and the fact that they have a child together), I think he should be entitled to a larger share of the growth.

He owns more of the property on day one.

Logically, if he wants 70% of growth and deposit, he should pay 70% of the mortgage. But there should then be an adjustment to reflect the fact that she is enjoying 50% rather than 30% of the benefit of occupying the property.

You could argue that he should pay 70% of the capital repayments and they should split the interest 50:50. But that assumes that the interest would equate to the rental value of the property, which it wouldn’t necessarily.

So if the mortgage is £2K pcm and it would rent for £1500 pcm, I think he should pay 70% of £2K and she pay 30% so £1400/£600 but she should then rent 20% of the property to get her to 50:50 occupation ie £300 pcm. Meaning he pays £1100 and she pays £900 of the mortgage.

That’s all theoretical. I can’t imagine many people would bother with such a complex arrangement.

And then there’s the other factors which are subjective.

He is saying YOU'RE grabby when he wants to pocket money you're paying towards the mortgage, as HIS share of equity??

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding here, and I'm being generous. Your deposits should be ringfenced as a percentage of house equity. Say you pay a 50%, £100k deposit of which £30k is yours and £70k is his. If you sell the house at an increased price, say £250k when it cost you £200k, ie 1.25 x the purchase price, you should both get back a relative percentage as your deposit ie he should get £70k x 1.25 (£87.5k) and you £30k x 1.25 (£37.5k).

But! If you've paid into the mortgage 50/50, for him to take 70% of the equity remaining after the above deposit calculations are done is LITERALLY TAKING YOUR MONEY. no!

Just don't do it.

the whole set up, now op has her eyes opened on a random sunday evening, is very unfair but not uncommon. women fall into op's trap thinkinh teh man is a higher earner etc etc so they have a future as they are a team WITHOUT marriage, so without protection. and the men take more and more advantage of such women as this man was proposing with; sell your house, lets buy bigger and i take bigger equity, just why??.

What would your ideal way of working this out Op?