Buying a house with bf AIBU?

[confusedgf2]

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

Deposits aside which will be split 70/30. I cannot believe he wants you to pay 50/50 on mortgage payments, not get married then take more equity?!

A BIG fat NO from me. He’s totally taking the piss. Not a chance on earth would I ever agree to be ripped off to this magnitude. He’s a cheeky fucker.

Don't buy with him. It's not a partnership. If you live together AND gave a child finances should be pooled not 50//50. You should both be left with same amount if money after bills so he should pay a bigger percentage of the bills.

MN is absolutely stuffed full of posts by unmarried mothers who have been absolutely shafted by living with their partner and ending up either unable to leave (because they can't afford to) or leaving/the man leaving them with next to nothing. Unmarried partners have no financial rights at all (apart from, in your case, your deposit which would be protected - but which would be worth a lot less than it is now, should you get it back in years to come).

Do not move in with this man unless you are married to him.

It's that straightforward.

So you do the majority of childcare, funded yourself through maternity leave and he currently contributes less than half of childcare outgoings (since bills are 50/50 but day to day expenses are on you) whilst earning more than double.

And now he wants you to sell up so he can use your deposit and combine it with his for a bigger place, and for you to agree to less than half of the house value (less deposits) if you split.

He might earn more than you, but he's looking for you to subsidise him really.

In all seriousness, what are you getting out of this relationship?

I think if you pay 50% of mortgage you should get %50 of equity after everyone gets their deposits back.
We had a legal agreement for this put in place.
But when we had children my partner paid all bills while I was on maternity leave and when I returned part time I paid less than 50%.
He is the high earner with a demanding job working lots of hours. So I can't go back full time and progress in my career.
I'd be very careful in your position. Particularly with a child.
Why not rent together and rent your houses?

I can't see the appeal of men/a partner like this.

OP it sounds more like, if anything he is seeing the financial advantage to him of adding you to a mortgage (and your deposit) to get a larger house that he wants and wouldn't get without you. If anything that makes him the grabby one. He is out for himself here, and is the same as a partner and parent by the sounds of it. When it comes to declaring ownership of the property for the mortgage does he intent that you will therefore be tenants in common and not joint tenants? If so It's looking very much like you are a convenient bridging loan for him to secure a property more in keeping with what he would prefer.

You like your home, and it's yours. Don't give it up. Think instead about what the actual benefits are of a long term relationship with someone like this

So he gets the 70% he put in back and you get the 30% back and then he wants 70% of any increase in value?

Does that mean hes willing to take the 70% loss in a market crash? or would he expect that to be shared?

The same

And while I don't agree (when married) with splitting bills, I think it should be one pot, it should be proportionate to salary.

The OP will be much worse off. And I bet the domestic side won't be 50/50

You won't get all the moving costs and stamp duty back though

Stay put!

Clearly, 30% of any equity is not equitable if you’re paying 50% of the mortgage. Don’t think you should move if you’re happy where you are and he thinks you’re grabby! I’d say he’s not respectful. What happens when you start earning more? And if he puts down 70%, does he get more say in the house? Already you’re doing the running round: will this transfer to doing all the house admin/chores just because he earns more even though you work f/t? And he won’t marry you? Big fat no, far too many red flags.

Only if you also do only 30% of the childcare, 30% of the housework and 30% of the emotional labour of organising your lives together.

Personally I would rather have an equal partnership where yes maybe one partner is contributing more financially and another is contributing more non financially but both are equally valued and both benefit equally from any resulting increase is wealth.

That's not tye sort of relationship that this man wants, so maybe better to find a different man with a more equitable attitude.

Oh dear god

Leave the bastard

No don't move in with him
You will lose your financial security which is paramount
There is no I in team

@dontgobaconmyheart has put it well. I'm not great at explaining how it feels.

I feel like he's happy to use my deposit to get what he wants. The set up he wants doesn't feel like a family set up. It doesn't feel like a set up that someone who loves, values and respects me would push.

I doubt I will ever earn as much as him, I'll also be picking up more of the parenting, house admin etc as he does work away a lot as well so naturally it will fall to me.

That wont be valued and his proposal just seems so cold and transactional.

I think I'd rather stay and build up equity in my own house?

Alarm bells ringing as soon as I read it. Don’t do it unless it’s 50/50 which is what it would be if you were married.

Stick to your guns then OP and trust your instincts.
Long term this man is not a partner.

I do most of the childcare and general stuff. His job requires a lot of hours.

Then if he insists on monetizing your entire relationship, he'll have to compensate you for any childcare or chores you do that take you over 50%. Otherwise you're facilitating his career for free while he's the higher earned anyway.

Who's funding maternity leave? And childcare? And your pension deficit while you are running around carrying out non-earning responsibilities?

@GrumpyPanda I've tried to explain this to him in a way but he doesn't seem to get it.

@DelphiniumBlue I funded my six months mat leave (I got 90% pay). We pay half each of the nursery costs.

Nah fuck that.
I wouldn't do it.

Infact I'd ditch him altogether.

He does get it, he just doesn't want to acknowledge it. If it were the other way around I get the feeling he'd absolutely count every penny extra he spent.

Haven't RTFT, but can you keep and rent your house out, and your DP buys new house without your input, solely to his name, and you pay half the bills, but not mortgage?

Do not buy a house with this man.

I wouldn't sell my house to buy a house with this man.

Do not buy a house with this man.

If you got 90% of your full pay, then you are clearly not on a high wage, and I would have thought he should be paying proportionately more of nursery fees and other expenses relating to your DD. How are other expenses split? He should also have paid you the balance of your wage to bring it up to 100%.
Hope he's not like a father I know who only contributes to utility bills but not other child related costs, like food, nappies, soft play, toys etc. Because those are "the mother's choice".
Going forward, what about things like uniform, music lessons, holiday club?
Tbh, there's nothing less attractive than a tightwad.
He sounds the type who would try to shaft you financially if you split up. I'd say don't tie up your finances with his.