Buying a house with bf AIBU?

[confusedgf2]

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

Just say no, tell him you are happy where you are and you aren't interested in living with him unless you are married, not engaged but married.
You will end up doing more work living with him all whilst he fucks you over financially otherwise, this move benefits him and only him, your child will be fine living with you in your house.

When I said before that I'd prefer to be married before we buy a house together etc he said it's clear what I want and that I'm grabby and after money.

He’s manipulating you into proving you’re not grabby and after money by letting him have more money.

What do you love about this prick?

If you really want him, hold out for marriage with no equity split.

@confusedgf2

he said it's clear what I want and that I'm grabby and after money.

Well, whether that's true or not, it's clear he's not for you! Just those words would end it for me. Why haven't they for you? Become an un-confused-gf and pull out of the whole thing. Dump him.

He can't have it all his way, he is trying to manipulate you or shame you into just agreeing whilst he is the one being grabby and thinking only about his financial set up.

Keep yourself safe because he certainly certainly doesn't see a problem with leaving you in a vulnerable position.

Ask him if he thinks you're only after money ( 🙄 ) then why is he still wanting to move in with you, why hasn't he decided to end the relationship if you are a " gold digger? "

This man doesn't care about you op so the relationship would be over for me personally and I'd be putting a claim in for CMS.

I do not understand the run for the hills comments. His proposal needs tweaking but it isn’t wholly unreasonable. He is paying more towards an asset, if the asset appreciates in value then yes his share appreciates more in value too, same as if you put £300 into a bank account and he put in £700, the interest would be split in that proportion too, this is just the same. If it were the other way around, I am absolutely sure everybody would be telling you to ensure this.

However you should only be paying 30% of the mortgage in this arrangement or better still you pay half of the mortgage but have something drawn up that adjusts the % share over time to reflect your increased contributions.

Would it be fair if I paid 30% of the mortgage?

I think this might be fair but I would speak to a solicitor

I'd tell him to do one.

Is it his baby? Jesus. the man's an arse.

This x a million. You pay 50% of the mortgage, you get 50% of the new equity from the date of purchase. Cheeky bastard.

In spite of my comment above regarding the fairness of his suggestion, I would generally agree with this comment, I have never had any desire to financially entangle myself with somebody I am not married to.

But you already had a baby with this man! I can’t get my head around that you are willing to have a baby with a man you are not married to but draw the line at buying a house with him! 🤦‍♀️

How would you get your deposit back quickly? He'd have to buy you out or sell.

You are not being grabby. Ring fenced deposits yes. The rest is 50/50 if all bills are going to be 50/50. I'm not sure where his logic is coming from.

So you either only pay 30% of mortgage for 30% return or it's a straight 50/50.

The baby wasn't planned, if that makes any difference.

Run op.

im in this situation (minus the child) as the higher earner. Of course partner gets 50% of any profits after our deposits are returned . How else can I expect them to pay 50% of related house costs?

He sounds awful. I wouldn’t be buying a house with him. The deposit split is fair enough, but any other equity should be 50/50 or in favour of whoever would be the resident parent for the child (more often than not the mother). What an arse. Show him this thread and tell him what an idiot he is.

Pay 50% of the mortgage get 50% of the profits. But just don’t - how come you do most of the running around because he works long hours but you don’t see any of that money? Tell him he just wants you to pay the mortgage and care for the baby and him and he reap the benefits in every way without regard for you, it’s the truth. You will move in if he can demonstrate he can do half the housework and half the collecting the baby and caring for them, as you only want your baby living in a house with good role models. And a man who thinks he gets out of these things because he earns good money which he keeps for himself is not a role model.

I'm not going to reply to the original question because actually, you need to really hear what he's telling you and get out. He's selfish, out for himself, and prepared to screw you over. You both work full time but you're already doing more of the work than him. You need to leave him.

I would also consider whether you want to be tied to this man in any way, by having a baby with him. You do have options.

I think you should see a counsellor for a few sessions to work out what you want.

But if you stay with this man you will end up back here in a few years complaining how you do everything, are exhausted, have no money and a man who treats you like shit.

He's already treating you like shit, don't let him. There's better out there.

Curious to know what his plan would be if you split and the house was in a negative equity? Would he be taking on 70% of the debt?

I see it as addressed in 3 ways:

1. Say no, keep your own place and remain financially untangled. With his larger salary, larger deposit etc he can save himself a bigger lump over the next year or two and get himself a bigger house.
2. Pay 30% of the mortgage, save the different in your own name and agree to 30% of the equity split
3. Pay 50% of the mortgage and get an agreement drawn up that allows for deposits ring fenced and returned, and equity to first be split so that 50% of monies paid to date are returned to each of you then the remainder split 30/70

Frankly I wouldn't give up my home, so I'd go for option 1 and dump him. He's being manipulative by suggesting you're being grabby not to agree to a set up where you'd stand to lose fair profit and the relationship sounds like one where you take the exposure/he offers no security

If you’re paying mortgage 50:50 then any new equity should be 50:50.

From the sound of him, I’d expect the relationship not to last, so might as well just stay in your house and be more financially secure. If you did have 30% of a bigger house, would this give you enough if you split up? And consider him screwing you over when buying you out so that you have even less and having to house his child!

I understand both sides needing to protect their money/assets but there’s also a grey area in the middle where if you are a family, you need to act like a team. So if he’s not on board with that, then I’d get out quick.

@Aprilx

I do not understand the run for the hills comments.

Er, what he said? The OP's own words...

"He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money)."

That would do it for me, and anyone who does not have a very low bar, surely? Love and sharing a life is more than just a business proposition, at least it is for me, and there are some kinds of remark that shatter the illusion irrevocably.

The idea of paying into the mortgage split at 70% and 30% doesn't solve the problem, it just turns it into a different one. Say the OP and BF are in the house with him paying the much bigger share. Is he going to behave as though the OP is equally entitled to inhabit the house or is he going to see it as mostly his and that the OP has to work around that?

The main takeaway for me is that the OP currently has a lot of control over her own living arrangements and she could be handing that over to the BF. Is he trustworthy enough to exercise this control for the OP's benefit?

70/30 isn’t fair if you're paying 50/50.

The way to calculate it is this.

If you sell. You get a 70/30 split of whatever percentage value of the house the deposits amounted too.

50/50 of the rest.

for example. House £100000.

His deposit is £140k.
Your deposit is £60k.

20% of house value.

You split. House sells for £20million.

He gets £280 back.
You get £120 back.

pay off mortgage.

whatever is left is divided 50/50.

But.

Do not do it.

This man isn’t fair or kind.

If you want it to be absolutely fair I would split the new equity in proportions of the deposit and the mortgage. So say the deposit is currently 10% of the value of the property I would split 10% of the new equity in proportion to the deposit. So 10% of the new equity is split 30/70. The remaining 90% of new equity is split 50/50 because you’ve both paid 50/50 into that part.

There’s no other completely fair way of doing it. I would also draw up a Declaration of Trust with a solicitor which can be dissolved later if ownership equalises.

I suppose, if you're being strict about this, he should get 70% of the increaase in the deposit, and you should get 30% of the increase in the deposit. The rest to be split 50/50 (of course the value could go down rather than up).

So, let's say he pays 70% (35k) and you pay 30% (15k) on a house worth 100k (mortgage is 50k).

When you sell it's worth 200k, so an increase of 100%.

a) For my suggestion above, his 35k deposit has doubled and he gets 70k, and yours has doubled and you get 30k. This leaves 100k to be split 50/50. So, he gets 120k back and you get 80k back.

b) Splitting the lot 70/30 would give 140k (him) vs 60k (you).

c) Splitting the original deposit 70/30 and the rest 50/50 would give 110k (him) and 90k (you).

On the other hand, while my suggestion a) is financially equable, if you have a baby and are buying together I'd

d) split the whole lot 50/50, so 100k each.

I understand him wanting to ring fencing his deposit but he is completely screwing you over. You are going 50/50 on mortgage the your deposit needs to be a percentage of the value of the property as a whole.

eg you are putting down £100k deposit him £70k you £30k and say the property is worth £200k then he should be ring fencing 35% and you 15%. If you then split he would be entitled to 35% + 25% equity and you would be entitled to 15% + 25%.

using the same deposit values and say the house was being purchased for £500k the he should ring fence 14% and you should ring fence 6% so if you split he would be entitled to 14% plus 40% equity whereas you would be entitled to 6% plus 40% equity.

On a separate issue I wouldn’t consider moving in with someone who earned nearly 3x my salary and expected bills to be split 50/50