Buying a house with bf AIBU?

[confusedgf2]

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

Anything but splitting from this man. and there in lies the problem, for the future. he will now say 50/50 equity as he sees your eyes have been opened, but how will you know he means it? And why take the risk of losing your own house for this uncertainty. and looking after his house, more child stuff etc etc just to facilitate his life?

You'd be much better off living alone and claiming child maintenance from him he'd have to give you £800 a month- you could save that up and buy yourself and your child a bigger house later

Then tell him
If he really thinks that of you he shouldn't be in a relationship with you

Hmmm I don’t think that’s good. When I went back to work after Mat leave my husband and I agreed proportionate childcare funding. He earned £85k and I was on £35k. Not dissimilar to you.

If we had split out £1300 a month childcare bill 50:50 that would have cost me sooooo much more than him

If you get married and the house you share is the marital home, the house is shared 50/50 anyway.

If he isn't happy with that arrangement, don't move in with him. He will never marry you if he wants 70% of that house and you 30%..

Op sorry if I've missed this but where does he live now? Separately in his own house and he just visits you?

What a selfish man, I don't know what is up with a lot of younger men these days. No concept of family and sharing, no understanding that you can't put a value on parenting, or how a woman's career is often affected by pregnancy and maternity leave.

He doesn't seem to be a very caring father either, it is quite telling how the OP says he resents the extra cost of a more suitable nursery. Penny pinching arsehole that he is, and he has the bloody nerve to call HER grabby! Pure projection from him.

I'm really sorry
He wants your money to buy a better house in a better area.

Your life with him will be miserable.

Please don't trust him

Nothing good will come from moving in with him and selling your house.
He will say whatever you want to hear now to get your money and then go back on promises or make you pay more for certain bills so he can save at your and your childs expense.
He's a user with no respect for women, not even his own mother.

I personally think without kids 50/50 is fair which I know isn’t always popular on mumsnet. HOWEVER with kids that all goes out the window. There’s to many variables you can’t accurately measure or factor in like being the one who takes the day off whenever child is sick or paying for all child’s acitivites to keep finances so separate .

and any parent should want the best for their child. Not expecting mum to forfeit days out with the child because she needs new clothes and can’t afford both whilst dad has a huge surplus from wages. Or living in a smaller house because otherwise the lower earner can’t pay 50%.

d I get that stopping being 50/50 is scary for him , but the time to consider that was before child not after.

Thanks all for the advice.

I'm just not sure what to do now.

I think the only way I'd feel safe is if we were married.

But I think I've learned a lot about him and how he views me from the discussions we've had now about the house purchase, to the point where I'm not sure he's the kind of man I would want to marry anyway.

You don’t have to rush anything. You have a baby. That time is hard for any family as you form new routines, come to new agreements about division of work, money and career plans.

A lot of men don’t think enough about that stuff before babies arrive because they don’t have to. They have the potential to be good husbands and fathers but need to work through some stuff. Some never manage it.

So I would make your boundaries clear to him. Something like - you will only buy a house with a person who is your family legally. So that means marriage. You will only marry a man who wants to be a team mate with you, who values and appreciates your contributions to your family, financial, emotional and physical (carrying babies and childcare).

At the moment it sounds like he only values the financial. Which is easy to do when there are no kids involved! Particularly if he is travelling a lot and not seeing the physical/emotional contributions, he may find it harder than most to break that mindset.

If this continues, your relationship will be difficult as you have a mismatch of values.

In the meantime, make sure he makes a fair financial contribution to his child, don’t subsidise him. And make sure he does enough hands on parenting to appreciate what is involved. Obviously exactly what form that takes will depend on what you are comfortable with.

Only you will know when he is tipping into the can’t ever manage it phase vs the struggling with being a new father phase.

But I think I've learned a lot about him and how he views me from the discussions we've had now about the house purchase, to the point where I'm not sure he's the kind of man I would want to marry anyway.

^ if your gut feeling tells you something listen to it.

No way! Unless he's happy for you to pay 30% of the mortgage. Not that I'm suggesting this would be okay. Sod that.

No way! Unless he's happy for you to pay 30% of the mortgage. Not that I'm suggesting this would be okay. Sod that.

Maybe I'm being stupid but when my partner and I bought our house he put about 85% of the deposit down and I put about 15% and paid the legal fees (still nowhere near the amount he paid). I offered to have my name put down for 15% of equity and him 85% of equity because that way it was fair in what we put into the purchase of the house. When we first moved in, I paid half of the bills but now that I work less I pay less. But with the equity, I didn't mind only getting back what I had put it, but my partner said no, we'd have 50/50. Maybe I'm just silly

He is BU and I don't think you should buy with him.

If he is willing to cover 70% of all expenditure (not just the mortgage, but all bills, food, childcare and other expenditure for the family) and do 70% of the childcare and domestic work as well, then I get why he thinks he should be entitled to 70% in any future split.

If, however, he thinks you should cover 50% of expenditure and carry most of the domestic load while he walks away with the profits, then I'd be telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and sending him a bill for child maintenance.

You've had some bizarre sums and figures produced like a rabbit from a hat in this thread.

My first reactions on reading your post were that fifty-fifty for bills when he earns more than you doesn't seem right to me and more than that, the character of the man is the real worry here. He isn't a generous soul but a pinched selfish one.

It's natural and makes sense for a couple with two houses to want to sell them and buy one to set up home together but that implies a spirit of loving partnership and commitment - wanting to give, not take, to wholly accept and embrace the partner and child or children, not calculating how to take advantage or neglect them for monetary assets.

It's a sort of common assumption that a man generally wants to shoulder the burden of marriage and family responsibility, as if seeing it as part of being a proper man. It almost goes with the pre-eminent position of men in society, where, as in your case, they earn more because they are valued more, have more individual freedoms and usually can exercise more power in relation to women. Here you are dealing with male domination: he has the financial advantage and he is able to direct and almost dictate the discourse and expectation for your future to the point where you doubt and question yourself and are inhibited in expressing your own properly felt views.

You need a man who wants to marry and be that husband and father, who is serious about it, with the right basic character and disposition towards you and children. Where that is lacking, it would be a huge mistake to embark on a joint house purchase and commitment to a future.

He's backtracking now as he knows he can't buy without you
Again He is taking advantage of you, and will try to confuse you, so you go along with it
He's showing you his true colours and I'm pleased you're starting to see it
Stand firm and keep your house

That he has that opinion of his mum and dad and their money, I'd walk away. Awful!

The suggestion that you pay 30% of the mortgage from now on, if he wants to have 70% of the value of the bigger house... Whilst it is fairer than his suggestion that you pay 50% but only have 30% equity (!) it is really not a good idea as if you ever split up you might have real difficulty in buying on your own again. You and your child have security with your little house right now, I would keep it.

And that he could even suggest such a thing, with apparently no concern for the security of his partner, the mother of his child, no concern about keeping a roof over his own child's head..
This shows him to be of bad character imo. It's not just because he hasn't had to think of these things before, he also has a terrible attitude towards his own mother. He's greedy and uncaring. Sorry OP.

Yes, I agree with this. He doesn’t like or respect women. He genuinely sees you as grabby.

Stay where you are.

He will have a bigger house, way more spending money, still contribute nothing extra to his own child, and complain about paying the 50% of childcare fees and blame you for them being high because as a loving mother you found a childcare you liked and were comfortable leaving your child In, while as a toxically self centred man who’s a shit dad, he did fuck all for his child’s care. He will continue to work away while blaming you for your salary not being the same as his and at the same time he will place zero value on your caring contributions that facilitate him working away, this is crystal clear from the zero value he places on his mum. I hope you dump him and his mum dumps his dad and tells the selfish fucker of a child that she loved and cared for that he doesn’t deserve a family.

Seen comment about dad's money etc, that's a very neanderthal viewpoint.

Have you had to take time off work for nursery yet? Is there a plan to share when this occurs. The guy needs a reality check. I'd start with making plans with friends for lunch so he can spend 1-1 time with his child.... He may see it's bloody tiring especially working too.

If the deposit is 20% you have 30% of 20% equity plus half of remaining 80%if 50:50 on mortgage He has 70% of 20% and 50% if deposit is small not much difference but if deposit is large he has a point.