Buying a house with bf AIBU?

[confusedgf2]

Wondering if this is fair? I feel it's not but can't articulate why. Maybe I am grabby and unreasonable?

Bf and I both have own houses, would like to sell both and buy something bigger together. We have a little baby together in case relevant.

He would be putting 70% of the deposit down on the new house and I'd be putting 30%. I have less equity as my house I will be selling is worth less than his.

We will ring fence deposits.

He says if we ever sell or split up we will both get deposits back, but he will also get 70% of new equity and me 30% if house increases in value.

He earns more than me atm. Bills to be split 50/50.

He says I'm being grabby to want equity split 50/50 and it's clear what I am after (money).

50/50 bill split is only fair if you both earn the same amount and do equal share of house/child/life admin, which I suspect you don't. Also if you were to split the costs of raising your child need to be assessed so, again, it's not as straightforward as a % split.

Either way, this man is showing you who is truly is. If he cannot see that it's important for you, and him, to protect your potential futures without resorting to accusing you of only thinking about money then he won't ever actually care for you or your child.

Do not buy anything with this man and get clear and legalised NOW his contribution to raising your shared child.

When I bought my house I put down 1/3 and then we owned it 50/50. I wouldn't make that mistake again though, as I could have lost my own money in the divorce, when he had paid nothing into the equity, and from now on, if I ever remarried and re-mortgaged, I would own my share in the ratio of capital and pay the same ratio in the mortgage.

agree

Hmm, his maths sounds wrong.

Mr Monkey and I are not married. When we bought a flat he put up 60% of the cost of the flat in cash, I paid the stamp duty and coveyancing fees and took a mortgage out to pay the rest (we are both named on the mortgage but only I pay it).

We own as tenants in common and set out a deed of trust that if we split we both get back our intial financial stakes plus a 50/50 split of the equity. When the mortgage is paid off we will move to owning as joint tenants with full ownership of the flat for both and we if we sold we would split the full proceeds of any sale 50/50.

Do not sell your home and you and your child's security for this man. There are some serious alarm bells ringing and you should listen to them. You will become one of the many unmarried mothers who become shafted in similar circumstances. Be careful OP.

@confusedgf2 no, in that case bills, mortgage payments ALL have to be 70/30. if not, equity to be split 50/50.

i would not sell my house i can afford in this situation. also why is he not keen on marriage? where you desperate for his kid? it's all on you tbh.

Don’t sacrifice your independence for this man.

He has made it clear that he holds you in contempt, that he is selfish, and will treat you badly.

Protecting your deposit is fine although I would not do it as an exact amount as you never know property prices may fall so it needs to be a percentage of the deposit percentage .

However, his transactional approach to also ring fencing 70% of the future equity is calculated and doesn’t even make any sense. He’s basically scamming the OP. Don’t buy a house with him, don’t marry him and definitely don’t have any more kids with him.

Are you working? Don't give up your career in any way. Make him do as much child care as you.

I think I can answer this as I work FT while my husband is a SAHD and PT student (retraining towards a better career, hopefully). I see us as a team, I value his contribution even though it is not financial at this point in time. What would I do with my baby daughter if he wasn't looking after her - FT childcare with the associated bill for that?

The problem seems to be that OP's bf sees her as a kind of scrounger who is just after money... which doesn't sound true BTW!!

I don't see my husband like that.

He’ll only be anti-marriage until he meets someone he wants to marry. Stay in your own house.

Why would you pay 50% of a mortgage to get 30% of equity if/when the house is sold??

If he resents paying the larger proportion of the deposit, maybe buy a smaller house where the amount you can afford would equal to 50% of the deposit ?

So he wants you to pay half but only get 30% after deposits are removed in the event of a split? Fuck that shit.

Honestly, baby or not I would walk away now.

Do not buy a house with this man.

Also THIS. The one who is actually 'after the money' is HIM.

I can’t imagine anyone thinking it’s fair that for one party to pay half of a mortgage but agree to only take 30% in the event of a split. The situation is still unfair whether it’s reversed or not.

He's not very good at maths is he. If you're paying 30% of the mortgage then your split will be 30%, but if you're paying 50% you should be getting 50% after accounting for the ringfenced deposits.

Yes, you need to pay 30% of the mortgage. Alternatively, you buy a cheaper house where you can both afford 50% of the deposit and he puts his extra in savings, and you get 50% of the house each.

50/50 on other bills is fair.

Ask him to show his workings!!

Not keen on marriage but happy to bring a child into the mix. I think this shows what he's like and I'd not be buying anything with him.

How much of the childcare costs does he pay?

I don’t think you should move in with him. Always better to be married to the father of your children. If he’s committed enough to want you to have his babies and live with him why won’t he marry you 😐. I think you are better off staying in your own home.

I don't want half of our deposits, I totally get him wanting his 70% back. It's anything extra on top of that if we sold/split/whatever.

If I'm paying 50% of the bills surely I'd get half of any profits made on the house after our deposits are taken off?

He pays half of the childcare bill currently. I do work full-time. I do most of the running around.

His attitude to this house purchase shows you where you stand with him: he doesn’t value or respect you. And his attitude to marriage shows you the same thing. You and your child will have more financial and emotional security if you stay where you are.

He's not keen on marriage.

I suspected as much. Do not buy a house with this man, he's tight and unfair.

I would keep my house and never contemplate buying with him unless already married.