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Original poster

What is worse? Fat or unhappy?

180 replies

alphamonkey · 09/12/2023 22:57

Over the years I've been up and down constantly with my weight. To stay slim I really have to work at it. But unfortunately I really love food. I don't get out much with young dc and I derive a lot of enjoyment from looking forward to a takeaway and a few glasses of wine at the weekend. Or a cup or tea and a chocolate bar before bed. Or a nice sandwich from the deli for lunch. You get the idea. Sure, I could find healthier/lower calorie options but I simply don't enjoy them as much.

However I also don't like looking at photos of myself and being taken aback at how much weight I've put on. I don't like having to get changed 20 times before work or a night out because I'm so self conscious about what clings to me.

I'm at the stage where I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy one way or the other because I simply can't carry on eating the way I do and expect to lose weight. I'm either fat and happy or thinner and hungry/miserable.

Maybe if life was different - I.e I could get out a bit more and mix up my routine I wouldn't have the time to focus on food so much. But with mine and dh work patterns and the dc it's not an option right now.

I'm a size 14 and about 12 stone but in my late thirties now and I know if I keep eating like I am I will get bigger. The weight doesn't seem to come off as easily as it used to even when I do make a conscious effort. None of my efforts seem to last long though because I give in and eat crisps or drink wine again. Because I enjoy it.

So what are your thoughts? I really am getting depressed with the way I look but I just don't want to give up the things I enjoy.

OP posts:
Blankspace4 · 09/12/2023 22:59

Eat well, but also exercise well.

I say this as someone with ADHD who lacks dopamine. It’s a scientific fact that exercise makes you happier. Don’t try it once and be put off, build a habit.

As a size 14 you are perfectly normal but can get on a path to a healthy, happier lifestyle at your current size or smaller if you desire, without being unhappy

LapinR0se · 09/12/2023 23:02

I personally would rather be skinny and a bit miserable than fat and happy. But this is a very unhealthy way of thinking which I am not recommending

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 23:03

Size 14 isn't particularly large though - if you're getting changed repeatedly before going out, I'd say that's because your clothes are unflattering or don't fit, rather than because you're fat. Can you afford to buy a few new outfits that fit well? Sell some old ones on ebay?

DoIOrNot · 09/12/2023 23:03

But you’ve said you are getting depressed now about the way you look, so you would end up fat and unhappy. You may as well be thin and happy with the way you look, but unhappy at having to make sacrifices.

it doesn’t actually feel like a sacrifice though tbh once you start feeling happier with your weight and how you look. Your tastebuds do change once you start eating healthier options and you do end up enjoying them anyway.

Original poster
alphamonkey · 09/12/2023 23:08

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 23:03

Size 14 isn't particularly large though - if you're getting changed repeatedly before going out, I'd say that's because your clothes are unflattering or don't fit, rather than because you're fat. Can you afford to buy a few new outfits that fit well? Sell some old ones on ebay?

I do have larger friends who always look fabulous and it's because they know how to dress and style themselves. I've never been like that. I live in sweatshirts and leggings.

I do have an unhealthy attitude with food. I binge eat/snack which is my biggest problem. My meals probably aren't even that bad but the several hundred calories I polish off while stood at the fridge after work soon add up.

I have some aversion to feeling hungry I think. I equate being really full, almost uncomfortably full with being happy and content. But I do enjoy my high calorie things like chocolate and takeaways and wine which absolutely don't do me any good either. However I'd be sad to give them up! For me the takeaway and wine at the weekend is something I look forward to because I have sod all else to do when the kids are in bed!

OP posts:
Frencis · 09/12/2023 23:08

In my experience, skinny 30 year olds often turn into gaunt and old looking 40 year old! I say enjoy the chocolate, just make sure you exercise regularly and get your 5 a day. Isn’t there some saying that you choose your face or your waist?

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 09/12/2023 23:10

It seems like food is your short term happiness but you are long term unhappiest with how you look physically when you indulge in foods that make you feel good.

I think you need to accept that in some way either can make you unhappy.
The only way around it, is to find balance.

Balance is potentially taking up exercise that will allow for the extra calories so you can enjoy the food you love freely and like yourself physically, or cutting down, to say 2 or 3 bars of chocolate a week before bed, a takeaway every weekend, but cutting out some of the deli sandwiches. Or cutting back on portions a little.

It doesn't need to be drastic. I once sat down and worked out the equation of how many calories extra I must be having each day to have put on the weight I have between my first pregnancy and during my second. It was around 170 calories. That's really only what? 4 biscuits? 3 mugs of tea with milk and sugar?

RobertaFirmino · 09/12/2023 23:11

How is size 14 fat though? That's what I can't get past.

Anyway, can you compromise with yourself? Could you limit the calorific foods for five days per week and have anything you want on the other two? Could you cut out wine? (If not, have a good think about why not - alcohol is fattening AF). Can you reward yourself in a way that does not involve food/drink? Have you got anything other than food to look forward to? Of course, you can always take more exercise.

ladyvimes · 09/12/2023 23:11

I’m about the same as you in weight and dress size. I’ve suffered from depression for years and am in a really good place mentally now and I’m happy and so would much rather be chubby and happy than thin and sad, how I used to be.
To be honest size 14 isn’t that big at all - I’m not fat but I could do with eating healthier and losing a bit of weight but I would a thousand times look the way I look now and feel how I do than I would be thinner and sad again!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2023 23:12

I’m fat and unhappy. That’s worse.

stepintochristmas1 · 09/12/2023 23:21

I do think you have to think about where you are going to be in ten yrs time . It is harder to burn off the calories . Will you say have problems with your heart , blood pressure and joints ? As you get older things affect you more than when you are younger .

Smiley85 · 09/12/2023 23:24

You have to change the way you look at food. I think anyone can do it cause I did it and I was KFC mad . Eating whatever I liked when I liked. It was hard for me to lose weight cause I always thought bout McDonald's or chocolate etc. But I never gave up lost 5 stone and now when I think of something to eat I think of healthy food and I think I enjoy eating it more than I do unhealthy stuff. Once you get used to healthy living you realize your whole body feels better. You can definitely do it if you want to. Ultimately that's what it comes down to. I still have about 3 stone to lose .

LuciferRising · 09/12/2023 23:31

In my experience, skinny 30 year olds often turn into gaunt and old looking 40 year old! I say enjoy the chocolate, just make sure you exercise regularly and get your 5 a day. Isn’t there some saying that you choose your face or your waist?

Distasteful. Is that what you tell yourself?

OP - can you aim for healthy? It may give you confidence.

Original poster
alphamonkey · 09/12/2023 23:33

RobertaFirmino · 09/12/2023 23:11

How is size 14 fat though? That's what I can't get past.

Anyway, can you compromise with yourself? Could you limit the calorific foods for five days per week and have anything you want on the other two? Could you cut out wine? (If not, have a good think about why not - alcohol is fattening AF). Can you reward yourself in a way that does not involve food/drink? Have you got anything other than food to look forward to? Of course, you can always take more exercise.

It's the way I carry it I think. I have a very saggy, big belly. I seem to carry all of my weight there. The shape of my face also bloats and looks a lot larger when I'm a few lbs more than I should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
alphamonkey · 09/12/2023 23:34

I'm not saying a size 14 is fat, I know plenty of people who are this size and bigger who look great. It's just how I feel within myself now and I can definitely see it getting worse if I carry on.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 09/12/2023 23:39

Unhappy is worse by miles, obviously, because you’re unhappy. If you’re fat and happy, that’s great!

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2023 23:42

It sounds to me like you just need to take one of your friends who dresses well clothes shopping with you! Get some things you look great in, which should be pretty easy at your size.

toomanyleggings · 09/12/2023 23:45

I relate to this so much. Similar to you. I’m about a 14 dress size. 12 Jeans but that’s just because my arse is flat. Idk what the answer is. I don’t go out much and get fed up when I do get to go out because I can’t wear what I’d like to. My pleasures are food mainly. I get stressed with the kids, I eat. I work from home, get stressed, I eat. Very difficult.

Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 23:51

Unhappy. I always had issues with my mother as she was a size 16 and obsessed with it whereas I'm size 6/8.

It was so difficult to listen to her going on about it and not accepting she was fine at size 16. She used to take food away from me when I was hungry.

Useruser1212 · 09/12/2023 23:54

My order of preference would be:

  1. Slim and happy
  2. Fat and happy
  3. Slim and unhappy
  4. Fat and unhappy

Depression and weight are often linked (whether that's too skinny or too fat etc), try work on your confidence and the rest will just click into place. As others have said, maybe you need help with your wardrobe to feel more confident in yourself?

Nicole1111 · 10/12/2023 00:05

You need to learn to eat in a different way so you can find the middle ground. For instance, instead of inhaling a bar of chocolate every time I’m in the car I now don’t eat chocolate in the week but I’ll mindfully share a tub of Ben and jerries with my husband at the weekend. Eating is now a mindful pleasurable experience and I appreciate the treats a lot more. Learning about intuitive eating cured me of binge eating and I’m nearly 6 stone lighter than I was. I highly recommend the book.

FunnysInLaJardin · 10/12/2023 00:06

fat and happy every time

Moonlightdust · 10/12/2023 00:11

OP I could’ve written this myself. I’m similar in age and size/weight to you too.
I really want to loose the weight as I know how good it feels but struggling for the same reasons as you. I do get so much enjoyment out of food - it’s the comfort it brings and also social factor. I don’t get to eat out too often so if I do go out I really don’t fancy a salad! I know it’s all about balance but my goodness it’s hard as 1) someone who likes food too much and unfortunately has always struggled with putting on weight and 2) feeling miserable eating like a rabbit or having to exercise a lot in order to maintain a healthy weight.

FunnysInLaJardin · 10/12/2023 00:12

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 23:03

Size 14 isn't particularly large though - if you're getting changed repeatedly before going out, I'd say that's because your clothes are unflattering or don't fit, rather than because you're fat. Can you afford to buy a few new outfits that fit well? Sell some old ones on ebay?

agree with this, I am size 18 and find loads of nice clothes to fit, including a fab All Saints jumper which has seen me happily though 2 Christmas parties.

A good pair of heels and decent jeans and you are good to go

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/12/2023 00:55

I've lost nearly 3 stone and I'm really happy. I'm not hungry all the time and feel fitter and healthier than ever