What is worse? Fat or unhappy?

[alphamonkey]

Over the years I've been up and down constantly with my weight. To stay slim I really have to work at it. But unfortunately I really love food. I don't get out much with young dc and I derive a lot of enjoyment from looking forward to a takeaway and a few glasses of wine at the weekend. Or a cup or tea and a chocolate bar before bed. Or a nice sandwich from the deli for lunch. You get the idea. Sure, I could find healthier/lower calorie options but I simply don't enjoy them as much.

However I also don't like looking at photos of myself and being taken aback at how much weight I've put on. I don't like having to get changed 20 times before work or a night out because I'm so self conscious about what clings to me.

I'm at the stage where I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy one way or the other because I simply can't carry on eating the way I do and expect to lose weight. I'm either fat and happy or thinner and hungry/miserable.

Maybe if life was different - I.e I could get out a bit more and mix up my routine I wouldn't have the time to focus on food so much. But with mine and dh work patterns and the dc it's not an option right now.

I'm a size 14 and about 12 stone but in my late thirties now and I know if I keep eating like I am I will get bigger. The weight doesn't seem to come off as easily as it used to even when I do make a conscious effort. None of my efforts seem to last long though because I give in and eat crisps or drink wine again. Because I enjoy it.

So what are your thoughts? I really am getting depressed with the way I look but I just don't want to give up the things I enjoy.

Define "skinny".
If you mean underweight caused by years of poor nutrition (either by choice, illness or being unable to buy food), then yes, that will take its toll.
If you mean being slim by healthy eating, natural body type and doing exercise then your comment is both wrong and rude.

Oh definitely happy!

Half in jest. Get yourself some ozempic. You won’t want food, or even think about it and you’ll lose weight.

Or eat loads and squish yourself into skims?

I’d rather be chubby and happy. Life is too short. I always remember seeing something about Gillian McKeith (??) and Nigella Lawson. Gillian all thin and eats only healthy food and Nigella all curvaceous and eating all the bad stuff looking 10 years younger. I know it’s not as simple as that but it was eye opening.

Happiness is something a lot of people, irrespective of size cannot achieve, so I’d choose that.

This was true for me too. I was overweight throughout my adult life until I lost it all quickly, and suddenly I was thin and, I suppose, more conventionally attractive. I looked how I'd wanted to look.
I was completely miserable and have remained obsessed with food. My eating is definitely disordered now. I think about food and fatness all the time- I judge myself in one way or another over every mouthful I eat.

I'm not saying that everyone should stay fat, but I do wish I'd had some therapy/really looked at my relationship with food before I started losing weight. I feel like I've done more damage to my mental health than I've benefitted in my physical health.

The thing is the chocolate and take aways aren't making you happy they're giving you a dopamine hit. You're not actually happy it's just become your coping mechanism.

I was there and over the years I just got fatter. Like an alcoholic I had to have more of the same to achieve the same result. I've done a mixture of low carb and 16:8 and one meal a day and I have lost weight. I no longer crave crap all the time. I look better but also feel it. I can have a crap day at work and don't immediately drown my sorrows in chocolate. I can go out looking nice. I don't feel ashamed of how I look. It has done wonders for my head - I don't feel as tired or as anxious. Weight loss aside I will never go back to my previous way of eating.

Rather than focusing on your weight in isolation, I would take a look at your lifestyle in general. Alcohol and processed foods make me feel physically and mentally terrible. When I cut those from my diet I felt much happier and weight loss was a consequence over time. Exercise
is also essential for me to feel good and simple things like getting some sunlight and a short walk first thing and at lunchtime. We are not designed to be sedentary, but unfortunately most people’s lifestyles mean they have to make a conscious effort to move. Instead of focussing on the scale, think of it as doing things that care for
your body and the happiness will follow

This is me too op although l have 10 years on you and am post menopause.
I exercise loads but you can't outrun a bad diet as they say. I think mine comes from having controlling parents as a child and for being shamed if l was still hungry. My sister is tiny and barely eats a small child sized portion. Def an emotional thing.
Just try and cut down anything is hetter than nothing.

I think moderation is the key. I've lost 2 stone this year ( size 12 to 8) without cutting anything out, but having a small treat like a curlywurly rather than a big bar of choc, or a bag of mini cheddars rather than a bowl of Doritos and dip. Still getting the flavour for a quarter of the calories.

Totally get where you're coming from in terms of food being the focus of your weekend so maybe try to think of other things to distract you?

Personally I feel much happier slim, and able to wear whatever I want.

Obviously it's better for overall health, and you may have more energy for exercise too.

@Darkdiamond and @Dentistlakes

I can very much relate to both of these posts. I'm pre diabetic and try to stay off sugar/sweets/heavy carbs as much as possible. The sugar is definitely an addictive substance for me but it makes my joints hurt etc, so I feel a lot better when I don't have the cake!

What you need is a happy medium. Get exercise, have some treats but don't go OTT. Be at the medium weight between your fattesr and thinnest and accept that compromise.

Happy of course, but it also sounds like you might have an ‘all or nothing’ attitude to food. ‘One or off the good eating wagon’.

I agree " all or nothing" is not a good way to age. Moderation is key.

I’m mid 50s, well into menopause and probably 2–3 stone overweight and have 2 late teens DC. I wish I’d been more careful with my weight before menopause, so before mid 40s. My skin now just doesn’t have the elasticity to deal with weight loss. My kids constantly worry about my weight and fitness levels. I’m quite tall and a size 16 so not really huge.

As others have said, size 14 can be big- if I’m in a 14 I’m obese as I’m small height and small framed. Framing it as health, I know at that point I’m not healthy.

From your posts, you sound unhappy and both weights and that food is your source of comfort. You say there’s sod all else to do in the evenings but there’s lots you could do hobby wise from home/can DH stay in and you go out with a friend?

I took up crochet and knitting when my son was a baby and loved making stuff for myself. Now I have a peloton and exercise in the evenings. One of my mates paints her nails in the evening when her kids are in bed. Someone else does duolingo.

I had a very bad deterioration in health in my early 30s and now I view weight as less what I look like in clothes and more about keeping myself as healthy as possible. But some clothes you feel fab in might help boost you?

You don’t sound very happy OP.

I’d say the most important thing is to address your emotional eating. Going into middle age you’re risking diabetes, heart disease and certain types of cancer.

With vanity sizing a size 14 is now an old 16-18.

Keep at the healthy eating and exercise but with a few treats thrown in on occasion. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I was a size 16-18 and am now size 12 and much, much happier.

Sounds like you have been yoyo dieting for years. Not really surprising that you feel a bit messed up about food. Maybe more exercise would be a healthier response?

The questions really are "thin and unhappy or fat and unhappy", surely. Given that you're unhappy either way. Since you eat a lot just do that then, but change what you actually eat. & exercise at home, that's entirely doable. Main issue is probably motivation, but there are lots of tips online about that. I don't understand the long conversations and reams of advice when the solution is glaringly obvious.

You dont sound happy to begin with, food is your crutch to numb, distract and escape when you have to diet you have no coping skills as your only one is eating.

Size 14 isn't fat, how dare you! It aibt thin but calling it fat is cruel. I dont care that you are saying it about yoursrlf, size 14 applies to other people and you are insulting others with it. You're just very black or white and irrational in your thinking and need therapy.

I am someone who has been fat and skinny many times and in all honesty, being fatter and indulgent really doesn’t ever really make you happy and it’s hard to level that off because if you aren’t watching what you eat, you will keep gaining weight.

No one has to be skinny and miserable - if you are then you are eating the wrong foods and being too restrictive. It is possible to be slimmer (not necessarily skinny) and eat well, be full, still have no foods completely off limits but you have to be mindful and use willpower and have awareness of your food intake.

Letting go of all control of your food intake is just as unhealthy and depressing for people as it is to be too restrictive and controlling about food. I’ve been both.

when it comes to this topic there is always a black and white view of either far or thin why can’t there be a grey area where you do manage your food intake to some degree but to a level that doesn’t result in unhappiness.

I don’t need to eat crisps every day - I could. But no one needs to. I ate at a family takeaway last night with my own food of chicken, rice and veg and fruit while everyone else ate dry looking fried foods. What am I missing out on? Heartburn and cholesterol? I didn’t go without food I just didn’t eat that food. I made my DD a bacon roll the other day, then I had mine with Turkey bacon. We still ate together. I went on my Christmas work do. I had soup and the fish. I still ate with everyone else.

The only person who can make a change is you and I’m not sure convincing yourself that it’s ok to not take any care of your health/food choices is going to make you feel better.

Face or arse 😂

I'm bigger but I do not enjoy it. At all.
It does not "make me happy"

Opening the wardrobe and knowing I could put on any of it not 5 tops makes me happy

Not feeling self conscious makes me happy.

I remember that too That photo comparison was grossly unfair they took a pic of Gillian in the jungle whilst on I’m a celeb and compared it to pic of Nigella in a gorgeous ball gown on the red carpet somewhere.

OP you sound like you are struggling generally and have an unhealthy mental link between food and happiness.

how old are your DC? what do you do for you in your life? Do you have plenty of family support and time to get active. Why don’t you start something like the walk 1000 mile’s challenge, it works out at less than 3 miles a day and if the dc are too young to leave alone they can do it with you.

U.K. sizing has increased exponentially. Sizing aside, unless OP is 6ft
12 stone is a quite a lot. It’s not obese, but she’s still at risk of health issues going forward