What is worse? Fat or unhappy?

[alphamonkey]

Over the years I've been up and down constantly with my weight. To stay slim I really have to work at it. But unfortunately I really love food. I don't get out much with young dc and I derive a lot of enjoyment from looking forward to a takeaway and a few glasses of wine at the weekend. Or a cup or tea and a chocolate bar before bed. Or a nice sandwich from the deli for lunch. You get the idea. Sure, I could find healthier/lower calorie options but I simply don't enjoy them as much.

However I also don't like looking at photos of myself and being taken aback at how much weight I've put on. I don't like having to get changed 20 times before work or a night out because I'm so self conscious about what clings to me.

I'm at the stage where I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy one way or the other because I simply can't carry on eating the way I do and expect to lose weight. I'm either fat and happy or thinner and hungry/miserable.

Maybe if life was different - I.e I could get out a bit more and mix up my routine I wouldn't have the time to focus on food so much. But with mine and dh work patterns and the dc it's not an option right now.

I'm a size 14 and about 12 stone but in my late thirties now and I know if I keep eating like I am I will get bigger. The weight doesn't seem to come off as easily as it used to even when I do make a conscious effort. None of my efforts seem to last long though because I give in and eat crisps or drink wine again. Because I enjoy it.

So what are your thoughts? I really am getting depressed with the way I look but I just don't want to give up the things I enjoy.

Could you go swimming, even once a week? It's amazing how that helps tone you up. It makes you hungry too so plan ahead what you want to eat after (eggs always good). It's a feel good exercise too. Good luck.

I am 5"7 and need to stay under 11 stone to be healthy in my fifties, as I am Asian. We all have different healthy weights, and what works for one person won't for another. Most of us know when we feel unhealthy, though.

It's always better to be happy - you only get one life and one body. You don't owe being slim to anyone.

Having said that, I was in your position a few months ago and I felt out of control and worried that my weight was just going to creep up and up. I was slim throughout my 20s and early 30s, but at 37 with two small children I was suddenly 12 stone and a size 14. I have been doing time restricted eating/intermittent fasting and it's been fabulous for me. I've lost almost 1.5 stone since September and feel so much less oppressed by food! I can still have the odd take away or meal out (but I've cut out the unhealthy habits that really don't make me happy, like shop sandwiches and treats, shovelling in children's leftovers, and drinking on week nights!)

You are basing how you think you will feel on the basis of how you currently feel about food as you are currently relying on the dopamine hit from unhealthy snacks.

If you switch to a healthier diet after the first few weeks your cravings will reduce and you will become less reliant upon that dopamine hit to feel happy. Eventually you will start craving healthier foods and will be happy and a healthier weight. You just need to get through the first few weeks of adjustment.

Try weight lifting or resistance training. If you build muscle you'll at least get a better shape and still be able to eat a similar number of calories to you are now as the muscle will burn up more calories.

I had a huge lifestyle change a few years ago and went from eating lots of processed 'unhealthy' food to lots of fresh, 'healthy' unprocessed food. No more Cadburys, instead I'd eat Lindt 80% dark, for example. Wine, but just 2 glasses at the weekend. Over time, my taste adapted, so now food that keeps me healthy and in good shape also makes me happy. It's win win!

Fat and happy trumps thin and unhappy.

I'm size 12 and pretty average sized, but I had a very difficult time a few years ago and could barely eat for a fortnight while going through a stressful time. I have never been so unhappy or stressed in my life.

I went back to work and everyone said OMG you've lost weight, you look incredible. I could see I was much thinner - I could see my ribs and had a totally flat tummy.

But my god I was miserable. I remember thinking I would so much rather be my old size and happy. This is awful.

I maintain a healthy bmi 21/22. Not too difficult, I am healthy, happy. However I am exhausted at night and have no adult ,night time ,social life. Although I do have good energy during the day. Blood tests normal.

“I have been doing time restricted eating/intermittent fasting and it's been fabulous for me. I've lost almost 1.5 stone since September and feel so much less oppressed by food!”

@JofraArchersFastestBall could I ask what is your eating window? Incidentally 1.5 stone is precisely what I’m aiming to lose over the next few months! I try and do 11-7pm but find I get really hungry sometimes after 10pm

All the cake in the world couldn’t induce me to go back to 15 stone. Not waking up hating yourself is a pretty big incentive or it was for me.

Being overweight makes me actively miserable. I don't feel "me".

But saying that a size 14 is fine unless you're very short.

There's no reason why you can't enjoy a takeaway and a glass of wine as part of a normal healthy diet. A lot of takeaways these days are quite healthy. It doesn't have to be greasy or massively high in calories.

@Biscofffans I aim to have my window between 2pm and 8pm. I tend to go to bed quite early, so not eating after 8 isn't an issue! I did find getting to 2 tricky to start with, but worked up to it over a few weeks and it just feels natural now.

Any time I've been a size 14 I've literally been overweight. I was on the Pill at the time and the Dr told me to go on a diet as my weight was putting me at risk of complications. He didn't ask me my dress size but weighed me and calculated my BMI. I was a size 14.

Being fat isn't a reason to be unhappy or to hate yourself. Finding happiness isn't a question of choosing either cake or self-denial, it's about freeing yourself from obsessive body image issues. Your happiness shouldn't be linked to your weight at all.

That said, exercise is phenomenally good for your mental health and will also mean you get to eat delicious things without worrying.

Of course size 14 can be fat. I was a size 14, nearly 14 stone and my BMI was obese. I'm short and don't have a big frame so it sat really badly on me and I looked (and was) fat, wide, large and felt dreadful.

OP, I've lost weight by changing my relationship with food. Rather than seeing the takeaway as a treat, I see it as a type of fuel. It has it's place , but it's not an every day treat. I'll have a salad but add tikka chicken starter, if I fancy curry etc. I prep salad and always have it in the fridge, large volume but filling low calorie. And you can add things to it. Then Soups, which yeah, add a sandwich to, but halve the volume etc. Granola and yoghurt with fruit. Ultra high processed food makes me feel atrocious.

I was overeating the things I liked, which was taking me way overy calories every day, long term. You can have the chocolate, just don't eat the big bar. For me, I really had to find the self control and make conscious decisions about what I was putting iny mouth.

I've since discovered I've got some food intolerances which were also bloating me dreadfully and making me feel awful. It's worth looking into this especially if you feel like you bloat in your face/stomach.

Wow thank you for all of the replies it's all very helpful.

Extra belly fat definitely isn't being helped by wine and I also make even worse food choices if I'm under the influence or hungover. I'm planning on doing dry January and seeing how I go.

I am a compulsive eater so I might feel a bit peckish and go for some cheese and crackers. Before I know it I've inhaled 8 crackers and half a block of cheese. Then I want crisps and buttered bread and all the other snacks. Whenever I've tried calorie counting in the past it's been this that has tripped me up not my meals.

I would just love to see a photo of myself where I felt happy with how I look. It's not just weight, my hair is thinning, I'm getting more lines. This is the ageing process, I get that but I'm struggling with it and the weight is at least something I have some control over. It just makes me sad that it will mean giving up the things that bring me enjoyment. But maybe I can still have the takeaways in moderation and just try and focus on tackling the binge snacking for now.

@alphamonkey they are not bringing you enjoyment though read your post. You are eating your feelings and that’s not just enjoying nice food. Enjoying nice food can be literally any type of food and it’s unconnected to feelings. I really enjoy eating tasty salmon but I don’t rush to get salmon when I am stressed out. This isn’t about food it’s about your stress levels and things in your life you are turning to food to cope. If you can try to address some of those you will feel more in control of your normal life and less out of control with food

For everyone going on about size 14 it’s very relevant in context. I am 5’5 and a size 14 and I don’t look obese now but I am overweight and have a BMI of 29. However at the start of this year I was 3 stone heavier size 16-18 and had a BMI of 36. I have far less to lose now to have a healthy BMI. If I was very tall and athletic it may be different but size 14 is usually overweight although not obese

I'm sure this is not true

I dont agree with the 'eat a better diet and your cravings for shite will go' view because mine never did.

I lost a lot of weight and kept it off for years. Put it back on during Covid and now can't shift it so I'm back to fat and unhappy and menopausal as well.

I think exercise for its own sake, not to lose weight. Look for easy swaps (if I go to a coffee shop I have tea and a cake or a latte. I don't have a latte and a cake). Try new recipes - I love insta for this and have found some cracking stuff. The old stuff about if you don't have it you can't eat it etc.

find an eating pattern that suits you - for example I am not generally a snacker if I have 3 meals a day but I am a picker if I get bored or too hungry. That's where not having easy stuff to pick works - dh puts the treats on the top shelf where I can't reach it!

I am always going to love food. I get a dopamine hit from food. I eat for pleasure and I don't want to give that up. But I want to retain my health (I don't care about being overweight but I'd like not to be obese). So it's finding a compromise I think

If only I could practice what I preach.,,,

I believe your body settles at its preferred size and it's hard to force it lower. I can be a size 10 but it's a daily battle. If I have a couple of treats a week and relax a tiny bit, I'm a 12 and don't really have to do anything to maintain that.

If you're a 14 when you're eating a reasonably balanced and manageable blend of healthy and treats to look forward to, accept it. And dress to fit the body you have, not the smaller one you want. Size 14 clothes will look much more flattering than too-small 12s. Give those away, replace with 14s, and get on with a happy life that doesn't care what label is inside your knickers!

The only other comment I'd have is I've realised it's unhelpful to frame 'treats' as only food. Treats like a massage. new nail polish, a new book, that afternoon to yourself you're desperate for - whatever yours could be-l! - they can make you feel better than any takeaway could.

Have a look at the book "Breaking Free From Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth. I'm working through this myself and have found it really helpful.

A PP who said the food isn't making you happy, it's your coping mechanism - that is spot on. You are using food to handle your emotions, then when you haven't overeaten the uncomfortable emotions bubble up.

You can eat anything you want - cheese, crackers, wine, anything - but you need to eat while you're truly hungry for it, then stop once you can't taste it any more, because that "inhaling food" stage is the emotional eating, just chucking food down to keep the feelings away.

Also I'd join others in recommending exercise, not because you can burn more calories and then eat more calories, but because it makes you feel better, makes you stronger and healthier, makes you feel more intune with your body, and that helps with understanding your emotions and eating better. It all helps.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite its only really true if you are smashing it out in a gym intensely all week long. I can eat slightly more now I lift weights than when I do not. But not extensively. The proof of this is in the data I collected about my weight loss journey which completely stalled until I started weights. I still have to watch what I eat but I have more leeway

I agree with you to a degree. I enjoy unhealthy food and it’s a real effort to stay slim.
However there is a middle ground where you do still have some treats and compromise on others. Therefore maybe you can be slimmer and more happy with the way you look. Maybe you won’t be a size 8 or even a 10 but you might be a 12 and feel more confident in your clothes rather than a 14. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing

Dear OP, being fat is not as bad as being unhappy. How you feel is far more important than how you look and being ‘fat’ is a subjective description anyway.
However at the risk of sounding a bit sanctimonious-sorry- I really want to say to you that you must try not to have too many bad habits. Try to reduce the snacking etc and comfort eating.
I speak as someone who has slowly and consistently gained wait from mid thirties onwards and now I am probably at least two stone overweight. Like you I have good appetite, I eat well and a lot and enjoy wine etc. However if I lost just one stone it would improve my appearance and health quite a lot. I still wouldn’t be slim but I would be less ‘fat’.
what I’m saying is it’s not all or nothing. Think more about ‘watching’ your weight so weigh yourself twice a week, focus on keeping your weight same or lower and develop some recipes and meal plans for some days in the week which are healthy but filling and nutritious- lean protein and roasted vegetables etc, oats and fruit, salad.
increase your exercise - brisk walking is very good and free- and control some of your bad habits some of the time eg herbal tea and oatcake before bed not chocolate bar.
Think about a hobby ( hard with children I know) to divert yourself. Reading as a treat, colouring, knitting, music, drawing?
Stay at one stone overweight instead of going up to two.