What is worse? Fat or unhappy?

[alphamonkey]

Over the years I've been up and down constantly with my weight. To stay slim I really have to work at it. But unfortunately I really love food. I don't get out much with young dc and I derive a lot of enjoyment from looking forward to a takeaway and a few glasses of wine at the weekend. Or a cup or tea and a chocolate bar before bed. Or a nice sandwich from the deli for lunch. You get the idea. Sure, I could find healthier/lower calorie options but I simply don't enjoy them as much.

However I also don't like looking at photos of myself and being taken aback at how much weight I've put on. I don't like having to get changed 20 times before work or a night out because I'm so self conscious about what clings to me.

I'm at the stage where I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy one way or the other because I simply can't carry on eating the way I do and expect to lose weight. I'm either fat and happy or thinner and hungry/miserable.

Maybe if life was different - I.e I could get out a bit more and mix up my routine I wouldn't have the time to focus on food so much. But with mine and dh work patterns and the dc it's not an option right now.

I'm a size 14 and about 12 stone but in my late thirties now and I know if I keep eating like I am I will get bigger. The weight doesn't seem to come off as easily as it used to even when I do make a conscious effort. None of my efforts seem to last long though because I give in and eat crisps or drink wine again. Because I enjoy it.

So what are your thoughts? I really am getting depressed with the way I look but I just don't want to give up the things I enjoy.

And you don't sound happy with yourself tbh. I love chocolate but I eat in moderation. Cutting down on sugar and crap food makes you feel so much better plus the endorphins from exercise.

And sorry to go on but if I go out for meals I eat what I like!

I'd rather be happy but being fat would make me unhappy so I wouldn't be able to win.

If you can be happy as you are then that's great. If not, focus on healthier choices that don't leave you feeling deprived. As you're not totally unhappy with your current size and you aren't significantly overweight, you can afford to lose weight sliwly and sustainably without massive food sacrifices.

I’m bigger than you @alphamonkey and I don’t consider myself to be fat. Just enjoy life and stop stressing.

I’d look at calorie counting and eating healthily with a good amount of protein through the week, which will keep you full and allow for extra calories at week ends for wine and takeaways. Even if you do it for a couple of weeks to see just where the extra calories are. Use the James Smith Academy free calculator to work out your optimum intake.

i appreciate it might be hard to find time to exercise, but taking up running, with the Couch 2 5k app, or something like that will make you look and feel fitter and improve your mood. I am very much not built for running, but it was a life saver for me

I’m also a size 14 & 12 stone. I fucking hate being fat.
I feel old, unhealthy, frumpy & grumpy. It’s no fun at all.

When I slimmed down, it was hard work. But I felt great.
And I looks much better. It’s definitely a choice, I think.

You must be tall, as a size 14 is usually around 11 stone.

When I was a 14, I was 10.5 stone

I stay at a 12 by eating under 1200 calories, or if I eat more, I try and walk it off a bit…I generally only have half a dinner and not too late.

make a few simple swaps, eg oat milk instead if whole, oats instead of bread etc

Size 14 is not fat but it is the most I would want to ever be. I think a 16 is mildly fat and so on

In my opinion size 14 is fat but I'm European from a country that even a size 12 is fat..
Also uk sizes are bigger so your 14 is in reality a 16...

I would prefer to be happy but being fat makes me sad. If you are not sad being fat just keep doing whatever you do just try to make healthier choices but still enjoy sweets etc dometimes

It sounds like you're not happy regardless of classing yourself as fat. How tall are you Op? What's your bmi? I think there's more to this then you actually being 'fat'.

That's a really unhelpful, and actually quite spiteful sounding post.

I'm at the stage where I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy one way or the other because I simply can't carry on eating the way I do and expect to lose weight. I'm either fat and happy or thinner and hungry/miserable.

You wouldn't be hungry/ miserable (due to missing out on takeaways etc) if you lost the weight, slim people do eat and also enjoy takeaways, wine etc.

Of course the hard part is actually losing it in the first place so that then all you have to do is maintain but just wanted to correct your fatalistic thinking because it's very easy to say "what's the point" but it does sound like it's already making you unhappy.

Fat is worse because it affects everything, health and how people treat you. I had a sleeve in 2018 and will never need to feel that mortification when seeing photos of myself again, am treated completely differently at work and by strangers and feel joy every time I walk into the gym in my lovely gym stuff. It's not vanity, it's so much more. I had mine done in Turkey, the MN and Daily Mail nemesis, couldn't have been a better experience. I was 100kg, now 55kg size 10 and I'm not scrawny.

Personally as someone who loves food and is a very emotional eater, I don't think you can be under the control of any kind of addiction and be happy.

I maintain an 8-10 figure but it does involve sitting with uncomfortable feelings at times. I want to eat all the takeaways and dessert, and in that moment, when I'm having that food, all the lights are going off in my brain. Afterwards I feel awful and hate feeling like I'm carrying extra weight. I hate the rolls and the bulkiness. I hate how restrictive it is and how I have to wear certain styles to cover my bad bits. It changes my whole look and I get very matronly. I hate it!

When my weight is under control and my treat food is eaten only a weekly basis, everything feels fine. After a splurge, I go back to normal eating, maintain my weight and feel good in myself. When it's all treat food and weight gain, I feel the lack of balance and it feels horrible once the sugar rush has worn off. I don't think it's possible for me to feel fat and happy. For me, the fatness would be an outward sign of an internal lack of equilibrium. Being happy fat would, for me, be like saying 'I'm happy being out of control'.

I have retrained myself to enjoy healthy food and to say no to something if I don't think I can stop at one. I don't buy treats and i snack on fruit. I make healthy versions of my favourite meals. Sometimes I feel hungry but if it's nearly time to eat, i just have a coffee to keep me ticking over. I still eat well; I don't starve myself but I am careful with portion sizes and do try to employ willpower when I know I'm just being greedy. Sometimes I'll just have a cup of tea and have a bath or an early night if I'm thinking about raiding the fridge. I never wake up the next day and think 'oh I really wish I'd pigged out last night'.

I've recently finally lost the weight after having my third baby. I like how I look now and like photos of myself. I like feeling healthy. I enjoy fashion and have good self esteem.

Kate Moss used to say that nothing tastes as good as being slim feels and I agree with it. For me, fat and happy couldn't coexist. For me, it means constantly being enslaved to a cycle of overeating, feeling ashamed and not liking how I feel and look. People say 'life's too short, so eat the cake'. I think that life is too short TO eat the cake!

This is very silly.

People who have a balanced approach to their food consumption and who are comfortably within their healthy weight range don't look 'gaunt' at 40. You don't have to be fat in order to preserve a youthful jolliness to your face.

It is not healthy to have a diet with poor limits and such an excess of calories (and probably sugar) that one is overweight. Let's see how your advice fairs as a woman gets older and rather than a 'gaunt' 40 year old, you've now got a 50 year old with whole host of problems due to poorly balanced hormones, high cholesterol, blood pressure, joint issues, and skin problems to name a few.

I do have an unhealthy attitude with food. I binge eat/snack which is my biggest problem. My meals probably aren't even that bad but the several hundred calories I polish off while stood at the fridge after work soon add up

the root cause to this whole situation that you have a poor body image and self-esteem which leads to a cycle of dysfunctional eating habits. Binge eating is very different to just eating a few wrong things, you're overloading your digestive system with heavily processed food which is highly likely to be affecting your mood as well as your physical wellbeing. The food industry make addictive food for a reason, to make you go back for more.

You seem to equate healthy eating with always feeling hungry. That's not the case, in fact good quality unprocessed food is far more satisfying than the temporary sugar rush you get from some of the stuff you've listed.

you could start by not buying processed foods in the first place, and replace with satisfying foods that don't send you on a spiral of overeating - if it isn't in the house your only option is to eat better choices that you buy for yourself.

ultimately it's a choice only you can make. No point asking other people what their priority is, that's giving other people the control. You need to think what will turn this situation around for yourself.

Why not thin (or not fat anyway) and happy? You say you binge eat, which sound to me like you might have an unhealthy relationship with food rather than it actually making you happy?

I am slim ( a 10-12) and in my fifties, and I find I can enjoy a takeway or chocolate, just not daily. I was a 14 not long ago, and found I was unhealthy, tired all the time and pre-diabetic. I allow myself treats on the weekends, but I eat healthy during the week, and that is a good balance for me.

This sounds like too much wine rather than too many calories overall. Maybe cut down on the wine and see how you feel? If you’re in a bit of an unhappy spiral then relying on wine to give you a regular boost is a slippery slope anyway

In my opinion it's absolutely fine to be a size 14 and 12 stone. The problem is you won't stay like that. In two years you could be a size bigger and a couple of years later you will suddenly realise that you are a size 20. If you still do nothing about it you will go up another size and then another and one day you will realize that you are a size 28. Then it will be a lot harder to lose it. Do you really have to indulge yourself every single day? Could you not eat non fattening food for say five days a week and then look forward to having a treat at the weekend?

I just wanted to add, with regard to never feeling full, soup can be very low calorie and yet incredibly filling

I get what you mean. I feel really big as a size 14. A lot of my weight goes on my stomach area & face too!

I appreciate what pp said about being thin can make you look gaunt as you age, but I really wouldn’t have that problem as I’ve always had a relatively rounded plump face even when I was thin. So if I’m even so much as a stone overweight, as I am now, it really shows on my face.

It depends on your height too. I’m 5ft 2ish and a size 14 was what I wore when my BMI was considered obese (13 stone) I’m now just under 11 stone and a size 10-12. I do take BMI with a large pinch of salt as it’s quite reductive but when I lose another stone and have a healthy BMI, I’ll be a size 6-10. So a size 14 is large for me.

Whereas I have friends who are 5ft 6 and fairly slim with a 30 inch waist and wear a size 14. Clothes sizes on their own don’t tell you too much.

I also have a roundish face, and all my extra fat goes to my belly. No danger of me looking gaunt! That is the most dangerous place to collect it. I really would cut down on the binge eating now, because it becomes much harder in your 50s.

I was never much of a drinker and now I only drink when out with friends, so maybe once a month. I don't miss it.

This was my concern. I had spent most of my 20s and 30s being 9.5 stone gives or take a few times but the weight had started creeping up towards 11 stone 2019 and then got worse with all the takeaways I had during lockdown and the lack of exercise so I ended up 13 stone by autumn 2021.

I knew if I didn’t take action I’d put on another 2 stone within the next couple of years. It’s not just about the weight as well, I was worried about the unhealthy mentality I’d developed of emotional eating all the time. Ultimately binge eating on fatty and sugary foods can provide temporary relief from feeling crap, but in the long term it’s not a good way to deal with problems or emotions.

And btw despite having a big belly I don’t drink alcohol at all except the past couple of years I’ve been having a bit of Baileys in my hot drinks around Christmas lol. So my weight gain has always been more related to overeating, too much processed foods, poor sleep and a lack of exercise/movement.

Always choose happiness, what's the point in looking the perceived fabulous (i.e. skinny, for you) if you're miserable!

Health is also important though, so if you can't do 5 days healthy, 2 days whatever you like for now, try at least eating healthily one or two days a week then build up? Or have one healthy meal per day at least?

I have always been around a size 18. A few years ago I lost 6 stone and dropped to a size 10 & even though I thought it would make me happy I became wildly unhappy, obsessed with food and exercise and more insecure than ever.