Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

[Pc5]

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

I think because you are blowing the magnitude of the news so massively out of proportion (this is known as PFB syndrome).

Yes, a lot of us are mums because the vast majority of people do have babies, and it’s not that big a deal to anyone other than the ones actually having the baby (apart from possibly DGPs, though honestly the novelty will soon wear off after the first one or two).

Also, maybe you chose the wrong forum - there is a baby one or a chat one. AIBU is where you go if you want people to give it to you straight (honest opinions without the sugarcoating you will likely get from people you speak to IRL who are more afraid of hurting your feelings).

people can be so dismissive about the excitement that comes from finding out you’re expecting a baby
It isn't that. People are saying it's exciting enough that it doesn't need a special medium for the news to be delivered.

Glad you've called them. I'm sure they were indeed as thrilled as they would have been if you were in person

Having a baby isn't a competition you know! It really doesn't matter how or when people find out, as long as it's from you.

You need to nip this feeling in the bud otherwise soon it will be "your parents spend more time with the kids than mine..." or "the kids prefer my parents to yours!".

Congratulations OP! Glad everyone knows now and I hope the pregnancy goes smoothly.

Glad to see all is sorted now OP. DH & I had the same conversation a few months ago when we found out we were expecting, we wanted to tell family etc in person ideally. I see my parents & grandparents at least once a fortnight, usually once a week, both DH & I are still very close to them and as a family we spend lots of time together so they ended up being told first. His parents we don’t see much of, we aren’t particularly close to them, but he still wanted to tell them in person. It did mean they found out after my parents and family, but they never even asked about who already knew when we told them and even if they had known I doubt they would have said anything. At the end of the day it’s our news & it’s happy news, up to us how we disperse it! I’m sure your parents would understand given you don’t see them until x date that it does mean they wait a bit longer to receive the news, or that a phone call is the compromise

I have 4 grandchildren and can't actually remember how I found out about the pregnancies. The children themselves are the important thing

I think wait to tell the grandparents. Yes you could tell your parents by phone but if your choice is in person then surely grandparents can wait and understand. Its as much your baby as hers and she has got to tell her parents in person why shouldn't you.

OP. Congratulations.

Your problem was posting on AIBU rather than say Pregnancy. AIBU is always a bit of a bunfight. Stay away from this board and you'll find generally the rest of MN is more supportive.