Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

[Pc5]

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

You'll get the in person stuff when you visit them, all the excited questions and speculations on boy/girl etc. Just tell them by phone/facetime whatever now.

I told my mum about my engagement and pregnancy via text - but I'm not one for phone calls! I was hoping to do it in person but alcohol would have been involved that day, so I needed to tell her before it had been bought! 😂

Pressed send too soon - I'd tell your parents via video call, I wouldn't be happy that all these people knew before mine either!

I would video call - they’d be happier to know sooner than wait for a visit; you’re risking them finding out through others and that would be incredibly hurtful.

I agree - just call your parents and share the news.

dear god, i think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. just video call them for heavens sake. what exactly are you going to regret? just chill out, you aren't the first people to have a baby, it's lovely news but not earth shattering.

My daughter told me as soon as she knew. I would have understood waiting longer but would have secretly been disappointed to have not known sooner. If something had gone wrong she would have needed my support anyway. Had i found out other people knew before me i would have been peeved tbh. Please tell your parents ASAP.

It is much better to tell them now via a zoom call than for them to accidentally find out from someone else.

You sound like a perfectionist where you want everything to be just right (as you see it). You may need to relax some of your standards as you begin your parenthood journey. So much of parenting is chaotic, unplanned and sometimes upsetting that you need to be prepared to go with the flow.

You're massively overthinking this. I know it seems like a massive deal to you as it's your first baby but I totally agree with your wife here. You either ring your parents and tell them on the phone/FaceTime asap or accept that they will know after her extended family. Bit mean calling her cousins "random" too by the way. I think you're being a bit precious about your parents tbh.

Dont your family have phones?

14 weeks!! Tell them

You're overthinking

Just call them

You live overseas so that's how it works

Yes do this. I just can't understand the problem. You are over complicating it.

Gees, just video call or phone your parents.
Why is everything so dramatised these days? Everyone seems to expect a floor show of squeals and jumping round.

OP you have very much overthought this. I only live 100 miles away from my parents but we don't see each other much because of, you know, life. When I found out I was pregnant I rang my mum straight away. If I had told her at 14 weeks or longer she'd have been upset that I didn't tell her sooner. It's not ye olden times anymore, just get on the phone and tell them

King Theoden's 2p worth...

I told my mum on the phone all three times. She lives about 15 minutes away. It didn't make any difference whatsoever to general excitement.
Don't know what DH did with PILs, quick text I think.
The road is long, best not make everything into a problem or competition.

That's the problem with being away from family you miss out just call them. They won't want to hear accidentally and will be upset at hearing later like they don't count.

I don’t think it’s “extra” or “unnecessary drama” to prefer seeing your parents in person than speaking to them over the phone.

Ultimately it does seem like the easiest practical solution here, but I don’t accept that it’s overly dramatic to want to actually see my mum
And yet many people have told you exactly that. Your obsession with a phone call not being enough means your wife's parents know ages before your parents which just sounds selfish to me. There's going to be a lot that happens over the phone if you don't live close. It really isn't a big deal. News is news. The information is the exciting bit, not the method of delivery.

You’re being very precious here. If you were my child and knew you were going to be a parent, but didn’t tell me for weeks, I’d be a bit sad. A phone call will do!

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. I agree with you I would absolutely want my parents to know before my partner's extended family. I agree with your OH that in practical terms it's ridiculous to keep it from her family in these circumstances.

Agree with everyone else that the compromise/solution is to tell your parents 'virtually'. I'm not one for grand gestures anyway though so I do appreciate that's not your ideal. But definitely the best option IMO.

You are massively overthinking this. Just call them and tell them!

This

Just tell your parents as they are going to be very very upset if they find out from some other way before you see them.

This is a non event ! Not the pregnancy the news reel order. Just pick up the bloody phone you could have told them already in the time it took to type this post!
If you can’t sort this out then fuck me parenting is going to be hard for you two.

Another vote for video call. My brother and his wife waited to tell my parents in person, and because they live 5 hours apart they were about 17 weeks by the time it happened. By that time half the town where they live knew and my mum felt very sad that she was one of the last to find out. So I’d say being in the loop early is more important than saving it for a face to face.

Yep. We just told our family over the past couple of weeks that we're expecting and it really isn't that big a deal. People were told as and when was convenient, not in some arbitrary order of importance.

A couple of friends and a neighbour knew before any of our family did because circumstances meant it made sense to tell them.

Everybody is delighted, nobody cares when or how they were told.