Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

184 replies

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:25

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

OP posts:
VioletPickles · 10/12/2023 08:27

This! Hugely over thinking this. What did you regret about the engagement announcement?

Cant imagine ever giving this amount of thought/ discussion/angst to this. Just call! Your relatives would probably rather be given the heads up so they can prepare for your visit.

are you planning a massive in person gender reveal too?

witmum · 10/12/2023 08:29

Missing the point of the thread...if your wife lives 8 hours away in another country when is she back having medical checks in the UK?

Just tell them over FaceTime.

MumblesParty · 10/12/2023 08:30

I’m confused about the travelling. If you’re travelling back to the UK next weekend to join your wife and tell her grandparents, why not visit your parents then too, if face to face is so important to you?

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 10/12/2023 08:32

This is so funny and such ‘main character’ behaviour. I would say that random 15 year old cousins are really not going to care about this pregnancy, and they’re REALLY not going to want to put on their social media that two married people in their family are having a baby.

either tell your parents via phone if you really worry that people will tell them before you get a chance to, or just say to the wife’s extended family to keep it under their hat as you would prefer to tell your parents f2f. There’s really no need for all this fuss, good grief!

Lemsipper · 10/12/2023 08:32

The phrase “happy wife, happy life” will serve you well 😁 just call them or wait. No need to have a palaver over it

Singsonggsu · 10/12/2023 08:33

Call them now! I’d rather be told on video call than have to wait. Do it OP 💪

Tandora · 10/12/2023 08:35

Your wife is pregnant. She’s entitled to tell who she wants, when she wants and she does not require your say so.
you are reasonable to want to also share the news with your parents and have them included , so you either tell them now on WhatsApp or you wait until you see them in person, whatever you prefer, but you don’t get to insist your wife stay quiet until you have decided it’s the right time/ way to tell your parents! You sound really controlling.

Ginandjuice57884 · 10/12/2023 08:35

Just call your parents.

Newestname002 · 10/12/2023 08:39

@Pc5

Better your parents know very soon by video call/Facetime than you try and get it done later in person but they find out elsewhere by accident beforehand and feel like they're at the bottom of the totem pole...

Tell them and, if you're able to see them in person in your next visit you can tell them again, celebrate in person, etc.

In your situation of living in a completely different timezone it's going to happen more and more that news, even important news, is shared digitally. 🌹

Pablova · 10/12/2023 08:40

You are not being unreasonable feeling upset that all of your wife’s extended family will know of the pregnancy before your parents, quite selfish of your wife to suggest so, but also, theres no need for all these performative announcements.
Tell your parents on a call and celebrate with them when you
see them.
Equally your wife does not need to tell her entire extended family she’s pregnant, surely that’s just information that people become aware of as the pregnancy progresses.

Smugandproud · 10/12/2023 08:43

Unless your dw has been visited by the Angel Gabriel and she’s carrying the next messiah I think a video call will be absolutely fine.

Catza · 10/12/2023 08:43

Surely your parents would be happy to hear about the baby rather than ask in detail who’s been told and request timestamps for every interaction. If my parents did this, I would be seriously miffed and would question where their priorities are.

rainbowunicorn · 10/12/2023 08:45

Ardith · 09/12/2023 22:40

If you insist on doing it on person that’s up to you, but that means your parents find out after everyone else. It doesn’t mean your wife has to keep her pregnancy secret from her relatives until you give her permission to tell them! Who on earth do you think you are?!

Either tell your parents in a video call, or travel to see them now, or accept that they’ll find out a bit later than others. But stop bossing your wife around, you’re being selfish and ridiculous.

There is nothing to indicate that OP is bossing their wife around as you so childishly put it. They are obviously discussing it as adults. The OP mentions that they both regret not telling other news in person.

rainbowunicorn · 10/12/2023 08:51

Tandora · 10/12/2023 08:35

Your wife is pregnant. She’s entitled to tell who she wants, when she wants and she does not require your say so.
you are reasonable to want to also share the news with your parents and have them included , so you either tell them now on WhatsApp or you wait until you see them in person, whatever you prefer, but you don’t get to insist your wife stay quiet until you have decided it’s the right time/ way to tell your parents! You sound really controlling.

There is no insisting. The OP clearly says that it is something they are discussing. The whole younsound controlling is very overdone on mumsnet. Adults have discussions and even disagreements it doesn't mean anyone is controlling.

NoDiddy · 10/12/2023 08:57

I told both my parents over the phone with DC1, first grandchild for them. This was despite the fact that I would be seeing them both within a few days but at the time I was a bit overwhelmed and it felt the best option for me. When I heard my Dad tearing up I did feel a bit sad that I wasn’t there in person but honestly you get over it, there’s so much else to think about with pregnancy ticking along! The only difference it made to me in the long term was I made sure to tell both parents in person when I got pregnant with DC2.

In your circumstances I’d just video call so that they know before extended family. The plus side is you can record their reactions if you want to look back on it! And honestly like I said, any regret will pass and seeing them with the baby when the time comes will far surpass any feelings on how you told them.

CheeseFiend40 · 10/12/2023 09:00

Tell me you’re having your first baby, without telling me you’re having your first baby…

Ploctopus · 10/12/2023 09:03

I totally understand the desire to tell your parents in person. I had to tell mine over FaceTime because it was lockdown and it wasn’t the same, I wished we could have been together for it.

Do you think it’s impossible to tell your wife’s family first and then your parents? I would hope your parents would understand that the order of operations happened that way because of circumstances rather than because they weren’t a priority. They’ll be so excited about the baby that unless they have form for being very difficult I can’t imagine they’ll be snippy about the fact that you waited to tell them in person.

I also think you could say to your wife’s family that they can’t post online or text about it (which I think they would be unlikely to do anyway) until you’ve had the chance to tell your parents. I think it’s really unlikely your parents would hear from someone else first under the circumstances.

Gymmum82 · 10/12/2023 09:07

Just ring them. Stop making it in to a big drama. I told mine over the phone while I was at work! It’s only a big deal if you make it one. You don’t get to do ‘in person’ news if you live abroad. I’m sure they’d rather just know

BumpyaDaisyevna · 10/12/2023 09:10

? Phone your mum and dad now and tell them!

Why does it all need to be so choreographed?

idontlikealdi · 10/12/2023 09:14

Just call them. No need for all this drama over nothing.

MumblesParty · 10/12/2023 09:21

Tandora · 10/12/2023 08:35

Your wife is pregnant. She’s entitled to tell who she wants, when she wants and she does not require your say so.
you are reasonable to want to also share the news with your parents and have them included , so you either tell them now on WhatsApp or you wait until you see them in person, whatever you prefer, but you don’t get to insist your wife stay quiet until you have decided it’s the right time/ way to tell your parents! You sound really controlling.

@Tandora That’s really harsh. Surely in a relationship there should be some communication and understanding, and an agreed plan that keeps both people happy? Do you really think it’s a simple as the woman saying “the foetus is inside me so you can fuck off and I’ll do exactly what I want”?

GreyhpundGirl · 10/12/2023 09:24

Just ring? That's how my dad and brothers found out and we live in the same country (but not close by)

Bigstones · 10/12/2023 09:27

Just ring your mum! There is no need for all the fuss and drama. The end result is the same whether they hear it over the phone or in person.

MrsToothyBitch · 10/12/2023 09:34

If it matters to you that they find out before the random extended rellies, you'll face time or call them. They'll probably just be thrilled with the news. Frame it as "we can't wait/we want to tell you now".

We messaged my parents to tell them we were engaged. It actually meant the next time we saw them - which was the next day as we live nearby- was a celebration from start to end & it was lovely. I do get wanting to be face to face but time is not on your side.

gingercat02 · 10/12/2023 09:34

I told my parents by Skype on Christmas day. I didn't see them until I was 5 months pregnant as they lived abroad. Just tell them. My mum would have been gutted if we had waited ages to tell her in person
Also, presumably, the 2 families aren't close, so the news won't leak out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread