Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

[Pc5]

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

This.

It’s exciting news but honestly it’s not long deep news. Just tell them!

We also love abroad.

When I got pregnant with DC3, it was while the COVID travel bans were still on. DH got a photo book made up and we put the last photo as a pregnancy announcement. He told MIL to look out for a parcel as it would be her Christmas present. When it arrived, he called her and asked her to open it on the video. She went through all the photos and was very touched by this and then got to the last one. Lovely moment, very nice way to do it at a distance. He sent her another present too.

Told my parents via telephone as lived in a different country, I voted YABU because I feel very strongly that this pregnancy is happening within your wife's womb so ultimately, I think you should not make an issue of this.

She's made a massive life change moving to another country for your job, and will now go through this away from her family which won't be easy for her, so don't spoil this for her.

If it helps, my husband's parents found out second-hand because someone told them before we got chance to, but then they went and told other people, that we hadn't managed to get through to yet. Was a bit shitty but in the grand scheme of things my husband just got on with it because he's not the type to be "quite unhappy" about things not always being as you'd like them to.

Just call your parents and tell them

I would crack on with telling them, because her parents already know. Frankly with mine, I wouldn't trust them not to spill the beans! But even if I did, I think it's kinder and fairer to your parents to let them know asap rather than having them wait weeks longer than your in-laws. The extended family is by the by.

I did something similar. I was living abroad and sent my mum two Xmas presents. The first one was a video cam for her computer ( this was back in the days before Skype etc). I got her to set it up so we could video call while she opened her second present, a framed baby scan photo. It took her a few minutes to figure it out, and when she did she cried. 😋So it doesn't have to be done in person for it to be special.

I know. People are just to bloody extra about everything these days. Just tell people and stop fucking about and creating unnecessary drama.

I don’t think it’s “extra” or “unnecessary drama” to prefer seeing your parents in person than speaking to them over the phone.

Ultimately it does seem like the easiest practical solution here, but I don’t accept that it’s overly dramatic to want to actually see my mum.

I telephoned my parents. I don't think my mother could have been any happier than she was with the news.

Just FaceTime your parents before you tell the grandparents. It’s not ideal but it means they don’t find out last and your wife still gets to tell her grandparents as planned.

You are way overthinking this. Call your parents, tell them the lovely news. Say "I would have loved to tell you in person but just couldn't wait until Christmas eve as we are so excited and really wanted you to know"

As soon as one person knows your wife is pregnant, the news is out there. That was true well before social media and is even more true now. It is far better for your parents to hear the news from you now by phone than accidentally from someone else's instagram or facebook.

I lived abroad. Everyone heard the news by phone.

There is so much angst around these days op. So much showiness, videoing proposals and so forth, doing things a certain way. This is the point. It never would have occurred to me to regret an announcement not made in the ‘correct’ way.

Just tell your parents. They are of a different generation and are not as likely to get all of this angst.

@Pc5 Firstly, Congrats.
As many have indicated, I agree it's preferable to tell your parents ASAP by phone or videocall. Just frame it as, "We planned to suprise you in person at Christmas... but just can't contain ourselves any longer and are bursting to tell you our news!" Then both sets of parents know before anyone else, which is apt.

Another bonus to this is that your family might be glad to already know in advance of your Festive visit for a whole lot of other reasons.
Even practical ones, like influencing the food and drink choices they might be preparing, that may be off limits or best avoided during pregnancy. (Akin to arriving to someone's dinner party with an unannounced vegetarian or food allergy).
I'd have hated to dissappoint my family or inlaws by turning down a dessert (or worse, main course) anyone had taken time and thought preparing. Plus things your wife particularly likes, or interesting mocktails / fave beverages can be bought in before the shops are all closed for days over Christmas, and that discussion will be able to be had freely.

Wishing you guys the very best.

Mountain out of a mole hill.

I say this as someone who lives overseas and told everyone over FaceTime.
They will be just as excited!!

Making a mountain out of a molehill. It's not that serious! Just tell them whenever. It will have absolutely no impact either way. If you're this worked up about sharing happy news I can't imagine what you'll be like when something difficult happens. Get a grip!

Why on earth does it matter who finds out first?

@Pc5 The "drama" is the unnecessary fall out from not just telling your parents over the phone or FaceTime. Yes in person is nice but just not practical here. You are overcomplicating things and causing issues that don't need to be issues. .

I think you're being precious here. Either you wait and tell your parents at Christmas and wife's extended family therefore know first (which is fine IMO) or you video call them with exciting news sooner. I don't think it's fair to make your wife wait until she's 4 months pregnant to tell people if she wants to.

My son lives abroad. He told me over video call him and my daughter in law were expecting. Not sure of your issue with having to tell the news that is has to be face to face?

My other son who lives locally, told me over WhatsApp. Again, no issue on my part to have heard this way.

I live abroad (extremely far away) and told my family back home about both of my pregnancies via WhatsApp (can't remember if it was text or call!). My engagement news went like this as well.

I understand it's your first child so everything is new and different but please consider you might be overthinking this about having to tell people in person, especially since you live abroad.

If anything, letting people know before you/both arrive would give your families a chance to prepare some celebrations for you 🥰

Some people on here are being harsh to you but you do need to get your parents told before your wife's extended family. And never underestimate the power of social media, there's always someone who wants to claim attention by default.
Please tell your parents today, if I were your mother I'd already be upset that the other grandparents had known for so long, don't compound it.
And Congratulations on this happiest of news.

I think you might be overthinking it. Just video call and tell your parents.

this reminds me of someone I know who also announced in stages then when it came to the name, people had to wait their turn to be told which just made it all a bit strange. So when I finally had the big reveal of name and people asked in passing ‘oh i hear x had the baby, what was the name?’ I had to say ‘sorry, not allowed to say’ and prior to that ‘umm they aren’t telling anyone yet’ which got me a few strange looks.

Honestly, they will be thrilled if they hear the news face to face, on the phone, via text message or carrier pigeon.

I told my Mum via phone as I don't live local to any family, I could hear her happiness, I didn't need to see her to know she was happy.

I think your wife is being unreasonable actually a bit rude. It isn't just her news to share. If you live abroad then you do a videocall. It would be nice to share the news in person but if that's not possible until all her family know then I'd tell them now.

With my first we told my inlaws first as we lived with them, as luck had it we were travelling to my parents home that day and told them in person. I had asked inlaws not to mention it or post on social media as wanted to talk parents in person. With ds we told inlaws first and my own parents 2 weeks later when we travelled to see them. With our 3rd it I spent most of my pregnancy in lockdown and announced to my family on watsapp videocall and them to mil the next day in person. I wouldn't have wanted dh's extended family to know before my own parents or vice versa.