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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

184 replies

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:25

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 09/12/2023 23:10

Tell her family, but say ‘don’t put it on social media as we’ve not told Jack’s family yet’. Simple. Random teenage cousins will not give a flying fuck that you’re having a baby and very unlikely to put it on SM.

Then tell your parents a few days after.

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 23:11

Now that the in-laws know there is a chance of it leaking out. Just tell your parents and siblings by phone call tomorrow & celebrate on Xmas eve. That’s the choice you make by living overseas. For what it’s worth, I told my mum by phone and she’s 10 mins down the road, I just couldn’t wait to share the happy news. It doesn’t have to be perfect, you’ll get all the happy memories when baby is here and your “birth announcement” will seem like a distant memory.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2023 23:11

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

It’s nice if it is in-person news, @Pc5, but however it is delivered, it will be great news for your parents.

When ds1’s wife got pregnant, they were living near her parents, but we were (and still are) 7.5 hours drive away - so they learned the news in person, while we were told over the phone. Same when they found out the sex, and same when the baby was born.

Dh and I felt just as happy as if we’d been told in person - I honestly promise you, it was simply the best news and couldn’t have been better. And I don’t feel as if we are not as important as her parents - all four grandparents are simply happy. We don't compare ourselves to them, because comparison is the thief of joy.

Honestly - just tell them over the phone.

Original poster
Pc5 · 09/12/2023 23:11

user1477391263 · 09/12/2023 23:00

Oh my goodness. The most infuriatingly thin-skinned person on the planet is the person who fights jealously about the sharing of information; wanting it to be shared in a particular order, getting angry about one person knowing a piece of information in advance of other person (even briefly), getting all upset and furious about the “way” news is shared. Please do your best to try and get over this incredibly irritating tendency BEFORE your baby is born.

Just tell your respective families via video call. Job done.

Are you a man? I have to say I’ve never met a guy who cared about this kind of stuff.

There was no fighting. We both fully agreed it wasn’t an ideal situation. She just inclined one way, I inclined another, and didn’t really know If my feelings were reasonable.

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 09/12/2023 23:13

Just call them
If you lived close by then doing it in person would be great, but you don't, so call them.

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 23:17

Ps It seems it’s just another way in which we put pressure on ourselves to do things in a perfect way (not helped by social media, people filming their family’s reactions etc). Just tell the people you love in an understated way, it doesn’t have to be a big production.

wronginalltherightways · 09/12/2023 23:18

You live overseas.

Just call your parents. Make it a video call if you really want to see their faces when you tell them.

Loopytiles · 09/12/2023 23:19

YABU, as PPs say if you want them to know sooner tell them by phone or video.

Glipsy · 09/12/2023 23:22

It is indeed, just a baby. It’s nice and stuff but, like your engagement, it is not life changing for anyone other than you!

Katbum · 09/12/2023 23:24

When my bros wife was pregnant they drove to every family member to share the news face to face. I told everyone by text message 😂😂😂. Both babies equally special and loved.x

GabriellaMontez · 09/12/2023 23:25

You're not happy. What do you want to happen?

AffableApple · 09/12/2023 23:26

stomachameleon · 09/12/2023 22:36

@Pc5 can't you do something nice to involve them eg send a parcel to be opened by them with a grandparents baby grow in it (for example) that they open whilst on the phone to you?
I don't know how possible this is.... just an example. Given the circumstances there are ways you can still make it special.
I do agree your parents should know sooner rather than later though. And before the postman.

Video call. You live abroad so this is just how things have to be for you. You can hold up telling the news to your wife's family. Someone will overhear something, guess something, and that's it. But the idea of a parcel like this - clearly labelled not to be opened until on the call - is really lovely. Makes an event of it. Also means you don't have to tell them awkwardly the way things can be on a call sometimes: You can see their reactions to opening the parcel. Congratulations!

Freeme31 · 09/12/2023 23:29

Your parents deserve to know before her grandparents- thinks your wife's being a bit selfish here. As a mother i would be very very upset to think i was not important enough to hear before 20 odd other people. Stand up for yourself & your parents unless you really feel they are unworthy of knowing until last

Freeme31 · 09/12/2023 23:30

Be honest with your wife OP tell her what you as an equal parent to be wants to happen

DappledThings · 09/12/2023 23:33

As a mother i would be very very upset to think i was not important enough to hear before 20 odd other people
As a mother I would be upset to think my child wasn't capable of picking up the phone and felt the need to make a dramatic in-person announcement. I will be thrilled if I'm ever in that position. I won't need a gift or a set of clues or a delay till it can be face-to-face to make it exciting.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2023 23:34

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

Honestly the moment you tell family you're pregnant feels HUGE like the biggest thing that's ever happened. And it is. But give it a few months, it won't be.

You have to choose.

Do you want them to know before others? So work out how to do it on video chat. Tell them you've told them like this because with DW going home soon, you wanted them to know before everyone else. They'll appreciate that priority.
Or in person and risk the chance they'll ask who else knows. They might not. How likely is someone to post on SM if asked not to?

TheFairyCaravan · 09/12/2023 23:35

DS2 and DDIL are expecting a baby in a few weeks which is the first grandchild on both sides. We live 3 hours away from them whereas her parents live 10 minutes up the road. They told her parents one evening, then the next day came to see us to let us know the news. The person they told next was DS1 because he’s the only sibling.

I will admit that I’d have been a bit hurt if all of DDIL’s extended family had known there was going to be a baby coming before we did, so if I were you I’d video call them. You’re going to see them in a couple of weeks, anyhow, so you can do the hugs etc then.

Congratulations, btw, it’s such an exciting time.

Original poster
Pc5 · 09/12/2023 23:38

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2023 23:34

Honestly the moment you tell family you're pregnant feels HUGE like the biggest thing that's ever happened. And it is. But give it a few months, it won't be.

You have to choose.

Do you want them to know before others? So work out how to do it on video chat. Tell them you've told them like this because with DW going home soon, you wanted them to know before everyone else. They'll appreciate that priority.
Or in person and risk the chance they'll ask who else knows. They might not. How likely is someone to post on SM if asked not to?

Show quote history

Yeh thanks I think that sums up the collective advice.

We had discounted videocall as it felt quite impersonal for big news, esp when we see family so rarely and will be home so soon, but it probably does square the circle.

I think we’ll reconsider and call them before flying home.

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 09/12/2023 23:52

DS and DiL told her parents during a visit, and her brother and his GF as they were staying with her parents that weekend. That felt fine. They also visited DiL’s cousin and her husband and children and told them, before paying us a visit a few days later. I did feel a bit miffed that they knew before us, but I suppose it was just because they wanted to tell us in person.

Anisette · 09/12/2023 23:52

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

Seriously, you can't leave it till Christmas just so as to be able to tell them in person. Sort out that FaceTime call. You won't regret it.

OftIwandered · 09/12/2023 23:57

Whether you tell them tomorrow in a video call or wait to see them face-to-face just emphasise that you have chosen this way to share your news because they are so important to you. It's very unlikely they will think about who has already been told, although they might ask if your in-laws were excited by the news too. They will also ask who else they can tell - most sensible people should respect your wishes about sharing this.

TheaBrandt · 09/12/2023 23:58

Sorry but you are rather over thinking this unless you are actually minor royals and there is a protocol to be followed. Tell them
by phone or if you insist on in person it will have to be after everyone else. You can’t boss your wife around regarding her relatives that’s being very precious and high handed.

Copperoliverbear · 10/12/2023 00:02

Just call them x

Snowdogsmitten · 10/12/2023 00:10

Why would you regret telling them via FaceTime? Once you’ve told someone, you literally never think about telling them again. There’s much bigger things to think about.

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2023 00:15

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

Why? I got told by phone when first grandchild was on the way.

The manner of telling did not affect the level of excitement and pleasure.

Now you can video call it's a non-issue

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