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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

184 replies

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:25

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 10/12/2023 09:36

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

you live overseas, as do i, you have to use the means you have to tell people. In my case it was phone calls.

If you are so concerned about the heirarchy of who knows about the impending first baby ever being born, tell them by phone or video call. 😂

That was a bit harsh but: you are going to have to let go of a lot of this "who knew first" because, to put it bluntly, only you really care about this. And anyone who gets all "but great-aunt Ada knew before me and I'm the grandmother" about it, is too invested in your life.

Congratulations and enjoy the ride.

Flopsythebunny · 10/12/2023 09:39

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

Stop with the drama and looking for problems!
Just video call your parents with the news. You being in the room when you tell them won't make the slightest bit of difference to how happy it will make them.

Coconutter24 · 10/12/2023 09:39

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

What would you regret more…. Video calling or phoning your parents to let them know the news before wife tells her extended family OR waiting to tell your parents the news in person knowing that all of wife’s family already knows and your parents are the last to know?

saraclara · 10/12/2023 09:46

I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid this is simply one of the things that are unavoidable when you live far away. You can't make things perfect because you simply aren't there.

Take it from me. I'm a grandparent and is far far rather be told in any way possible, then be the last to know.

I found out (because she told me) that my daughter's friends knew about her first pregnancy before I did. I hid my disappointment of course and years later she had no idea how (probably irrationally) sad I felt.

Have a video call. Make it fun if you like. When they answer have a babygro on the screen instead of you, or do something similarly memorable that they can enjoy and recall in years to come.

Squirrelblanket · 10/12/2023 09:50

What a lot of drama! 😂

PostItInABook · 10/12/2023 10:01

Do you pay UK national insurance whilst living overseas?

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 10/12/2023 10:06

As a recent new grandparent myself I can honestly say that the news is what matters, not the delivery. My DD phoned me within an hour of getting her result even though she was visiting in 10 days time. They waited until Christmas Day to tell DSiL's family and until New Year's Eve to tell her siblings.

Three months later DS and DDiL arrived unexpectedly on our doorstep (they live a 5 hour drive away) bringing with them a Tshirt for the grandfather to be and a framed scan photo for me. Although some family members had known for a while we were just thrilled and touched that they had put such effort into planning how they would tell us. (Including contacting DH's boss and arranging time off without his knowledge!)

DD had wanted to share the news as soon as possible. DS wanted to see my face when I got the news. Neither way was better - both were perfect.

Longma · 10/12/2023 10:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

housethatbuiltme · 10/12/2023 10:13

No I think your right OP... you have a right to share your news in person just as she did.

She maybe pregnant but its your baby too, you are not an 'after thought' and no one here would be demanding she just gets over herself and phones so you could have everything on your terms. Its a complete unfair double standard.

Its one of the biggest moments in your life of COURSE you want to share it in person.

Her random family and grandparents to not 'trump' your parents.

nepthysrising · 10/12/2023 10:16

Honestly, just call them! Now! They will be delighted for you, and I send you both my best wishes as well 🥰

Longma · 10/12/2023 10:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Sapphire387 · 10/12/2023 10:26

Honestly, i think you need to get your head straight with this one right now.

Your wife is the one doing all the hard work. Once the baby is born, she is likely to want her own parents, and feel more comfortable around them during her recovery.

You can't be arguing that everything needs to be 'even' or 'fair', it will seriously damage your marriage. Biology isn't fair.

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 10/12/2023 10:28

Phone them today. They will be delighted. I think you are overcomplicating things. It be nice to do it in person but it doesn't work out. Go with the flow and relax.

Original poster
Pc5 · 10/12/2023 10:37

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 10/12/2023 10:28

Phone them today. They will be delighted. I think you are overcomplicating things. It be nice to do it in person but it doesn't work out. Go with the flow and relax.

Thanks all for advice. We have called them.

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 10/12/2023 10:45

If you're having so many issues around the timing of just telling people your wife is pregnant, I'd love to hear about the pickle you'll get into when the baby is actually born! Do come back in nine months and share your schedule of in person visits to share the news. I look forward to discussing it with you. 😀

Original poster
Pc5 · 10/12/2023 10:48

KnickerlessParsons · 10/12/2023 10:45

If you're having so many issues around the timing of just telling people your wife is pregnant, I'd love to hear about the pickle you'll get into when the baby is actually born! Do come back in nine months and share your schedule of in person visits to share the news. I look forward to discussing it with you. 😀

We have called them.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 10/12/2023 10:50

Pc5 · 10/12/2023 10:48

We have called them.

Show quote history

It's good you have called them.

But please do listen to this poster and my post above re: how you handle visits after the baby is born.

All the very best to your wife for a healthy pregnancy.

KnickerlessParsons · 10/12/2023 10:53

You'd better start planning the schedule for everyone to meet the baby for the first time now. It's going to take up the rest of the pregnancy.

furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 10:54

I always thought it was the done thing to tell both sets of future grandparents first, then any very frail elderly types in order of seniority, then all the rest of the family in fairly random order.

In your shoes, just tell your parents over the phone and ask them to keep it under their hats for the time being. Job done.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 10/12/2023 10:56

didn't realise she was 14 weeks. i told my mother as soon as i did the pregnancy test. she's my mom and i wanted support. can't imagine keeping something from her for that long

Original poster
Pc5 · 10/12/2023 10:57

I’ve taken a bit of pasting on here (“controlling”, “dramatic”; “bossy”) which was an bit unexpected. There was never any insistence from either of us on anything; my wife and I just disagreed on an issue, like all couples do occasionally, and I didn’t know if my own instinct was unreasonable. The poll said no, but the comments seemed to say yes.

We reconsidered and called my parents today. Thanks to everyone who gave that advice in a nice way.

But I’m quite surprised that on a website called Mumsnet, people can be so dismissive about the excitement that comes from finding out you’re expecting a baby. I guess it’s the internet and to be expected, but there has been so much weird aggression.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pc5 · 10/12/2023 11:00

furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 10:54

I always thought it was the done thing to tell both sets of future grandparents first, then any very frail elderly types in order of seniority, then all the rest of the family in fairly random order.

In your shoes, just tell your parents over the phone and ask them to keep it under their hats for the time being. Job done.

That was my instinct too. We’ve called them today and sorted it.

OP posts:
Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 10/12/2023 11:01

Pc5 · 10/12/2023 10:57

I’ve taken a bit of pasting on here (“controlling”, “dramatic”; “bossy”) which was an bit unexpected. There was never any insistence from either of us on anything; my wife and I just disagreed on an issue, like all couples do occasionally, and I didn’t know if my own instinct was unreasonable. The poll said no, but the comments seemed to say yes.

We reconsidered and called my parents today. Thanks to everyone who gave that advice in a nice way.

But I’m quite surprised that on a website called Mumsnet, people can be so dismissive about the excitement that comes from finding out you’re expecting a baby. I guess it’s the internet and to be expected, but there has been so much weird aggression.

Edited

A lot of people of mumsnet hate children, you'll see soon enough. They don't believe they should be seen or heard in public.

Congratulations on your baby op!

Original poster
Pc5 · 10/12/2023 11:16

KnickerlessParsons · 10/12/2023 10:53

You'd better start planning the schedule for everyone to meet the baby for the first time now. It's going to take up the rest of the pregnancy.

Why are you still punching? I’ve acknowledged my instinct was wrong. Just be kind?

OP posts:
furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 11:19

Pc5 · 10/12/2023 11:00

That was my instinct too. We’ve called them today and sorted it.

Show quote history

Oh I am pleased.

MN is a strange place sometimes, you come on here for support thinking that people will be sympathetic to your plight, and instead of that you get your arse handed to you on a plate. Happened to me the other day.

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