Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

[Pc5]

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

I think it will be difficult for your wife to keep silent at the extended family gathering if somebody notices she's not drinking or eating some cheese, she'll not be able to help herself smiling and giving it away.
I'd just tell your parents on video call. I suppose this is one of the downsides of living overseas, but that's your decision to make if you want to continue now a baby is coming. Personally DH and I would really struggle without my parents helping out but I appreciate not all grandparents help even if they're down the road.

What do you regret? We told our parents we were engaged over the phones, told them about three pregnancies and one miscarriage too. It's exciting news in itself, it doesn't need an in-person fanfare to make it more exciting.

Ouch. I think you’ve overinterpreted there, esp as my wife acknowledged she’d be unhappy if the situation was the other way round. There’s been no bossing around on anything - I’m just trying to establish if my own feelings on this are unreasonable. The poll is pretty split but the advice seems to be to crack on by FaceTime, which we’d basically discounted but maybe should think about again.

I think your parents should be told before extended family - but just tell them now! Plenty of people live a long way from their family and don't feel the need to wait for an in person visit to tell them happy news. The remedy is in your own hands.

Your parents deserve to know before her grandparents and extended family. So she needs to wait or she video calls them etc. It is ideally in person news, and fact you’re seeing them so soon is perfect. Your wife needs to rearrange her plans of telling her extended family and that’s not right. Ask her how she would feel if was the other way round?

DH and I told both sets of Grandparents over the phone - one lot lived 10 mins away and the others only an hour down the road. This was landline as well as 20 yrs ago. We were ridiculously excited and I was only 6 weeks ish! I'd facetime yours asap and then you can celebrate in person with them later - congratulations

Ok, so first choice is to tell your family in person before others know, but sadly that isn't possible.

Now out the other options into preference order, 2nd, 3rd and 4th

~ Tell your family in person - but with the risk that they might find out from elsewhere first and be hurt that others knew before them.

OR

~ Tell them on FaceTime as soon as you like, but not physically be with them when you do it.

OR

~ Hold off from telling the grandparents until your parents have been told.

Which option do you prefer? That's what you should do.

When you live in a different country from your family, you do have to make these kinds of choices sometimes, unfortunately. Life isn't perfect.

Kindly, as the mum of the only grandchild on both sides in our families - if you're engaging in these mental gymnastics over simply the order of telling people your news you're both going to find equal-family-opportunity parenting exhausting. There is never going to be a 50/50 experience between both sides. Someone always gives bigger presents, sees the child more, offers to buy the first X or Y. You just have to roll with the circumstances sometimes.

If I were you I'd prioritise telling them by phone over any hypothetical regrets.

Just video call your parents and tell them. I told mind at 7 weeks on video chat while vomiting into a bucket!! You don’t need to make a big deal of it.

Just tell everyone! Couldn't be arsed with all this telling different people at different stages! It's just a baby!

I agree ... I just sent a text when we decided we were ready for people to know. Same as when we got engaged. No need for the dramatics!

Ok thanks everyone. It sounds like we’re overplanning and trying to choreograph things too much rather than just sharing the happy news. We’ll think again about calling them soon instead of waiting the two weeks.

Oh my goodness. The most infuriatingly thin-skinned person on the planet is the person who fights jealously about the sharing of information; wanting it to be shared in a particular order, getting angry about one person knowing a piece of information in advance of other person (even briefly), getting all upset and furious about the “way” news is shared. Please do your best to try and get over this incredibly irritating tendency BEFORE your baby is born.

Just tell your respective families via video call. Job done.

Are you a man? I have to say I’ve never met a guy who cared about this kind of stuff.

Unlike an engagement, it's not easy to keep a pregnancy secret. By 16 December your wife will be about 15 weeks pregnant? Trust me, someone in her extended family will notice or work it out! Tell your parents now by video call.

Cross-posted. All the best, and congratulations.

Way too much drama. Just tell them.

Why are you waiting at all? Your wife's parents already know. Just pick up the phone and stop faffing about.

I think this is a good idea.

Good luck and congratulations

this is her unique chance to tell her news face to face. Let her have it. She will be showing by Christmas Eve. You need to tell them sooner.

Congratulations and YANBU! If she tells her while family will yours find out? If so I’d do it via FaceTime. If not, I might wait.

Because I’m 8 hours behind the UK and my parents will be asleep right now!

• Whole

Well that's fair enough for this very moment! I'd have called weeks ago.

If it was one of my kids I’d rather know sooner by a phone call than wait weeks to be told in person.

So send them a text that they'll get when they wake up: "btw u r going 2 b grandparents in 2024". 😉

And I'd start thinking about the birth announcement hierarchy now. Best to be prepared.

There’s no such thing as ‘just a baby’. What a strange thing to say.