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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to tell my parents we’re having a baby, before my wife tells her extended family.

184 replies

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:25

My wife and I live overseas for my job. We found out we’re expecting a baby (quite unexpected and now about 14 weeks pregnant). It’s a first grandchild on both sides.

My wife has already travelled back to the UK for medical checks, and already told her parents a week ago. We agreed that when I travel back to join her next weekend, we would also tell her grandparents - as she’s v v close to them.

We then planned to see my parents and siblings on Christmas Eve and share the news with them. We’d intended to share with extended family on both sides by WhatsApp right afterwards

It transpires that a lot of my wife’s extended family will already be back home for Christmas by 16 Dec, and my wife thinks we won’t be able to just tell her grandparents without the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins being immediately looped in. There won’t really be an opportunity to just tell the grandparents alone. She wants to press ahead and tell her entire family.

I feel quite unhappy that about 15 people (including random teenage cousins) on her side will know before we have a chance to tell my parents and siblings. I feel my parents might reasonably be a little upset they’ve been so low down the list to find out. (There’s also a v small chance that they the find out by an indiscreet social media post or text message or sth like that).

My wife says it’s not ideal, but just the way the cards have fallen. She really wants to tell her grandparents soon and believes my parents will understand the circumstances.

I think that the unexpected presence of extended family changes what we had agreed. I’d rather now just delay telling anyone else until we’ve seen my parents.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lovingitallnow · 09/12/2023 22:28

Why not just go to see your parents sooner? Why wait so long?

cestlavielife · 09/12/2023 22:28

Why can't you tell your side in a video call?
There is no need to wait for in person

BIWI · 09/12/2023 22:28

Just tell your parents! Why do you have to wait?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 09/12/2023 22:29

Just tell them?

Sodapop1 · 09/12/2023 22:30

Can you just tell your parents on a call? I don’t see my parents too often so I just phoned them when I found out I was pregnant. Then we celebrated next time I saw them.

FairytaleOfKent · 09/12/2023 22:30

I think it would be a reasonable request to ask that you tell your own parents now via a video call if your DP would like to press on with telling her extended family. I would have pushed to tell my parents on the same day your DP's parents found out via video call in your situation. So, I think you've already been very reasonable.

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 22:30

This is what Facetime is for!

Yes, it might be a bit nicer in person but in this particular situation it's what I'd do.

DappledThings · 09/12/2023 22:30

Just call your parents. I never waited to see mine in person before telling them. What wait?

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 22:31

Sodapop1 · 09/12/2023 22:30

Can you just tell your parents on a call? I don’t see my parents too often so I just phoned them when I found out I was pregnant. Then we celebrated next time I saw them.

Yes, same. Mine only lived down the road but as soon as I found out, I rang them.

mynameiscalypso · 09/12/2023 22:31

Can't you just call/message them? We told most people, including parents, by sending them a scan pic on WhatsApp

Original poster
Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

OP posts:
Hellenika · 09/12/2023 22:33

You don’t need to fly across the world to tell them in person, a video call would work better.

ChiIIieP · 09/12/2023 22:33

Just tell everyone! Couldn't be arsed with all this telling different people at different stages! It's just a baby!

cardibach · 09/12/2023 22:34

I lived 10 mins drive from my parents when I got pregnant. I phoned them and told them (as I had for my engagement). What’s to regret? I told them personally, just using technology. I don’t understand the drama.

Sodapop1 · 09/12/2023 22:34

You’re better off telling them now in a call or video call than them finding out from social media! The more people that know the harder the news is to contain in my opinion.

Sodapop1 · 09/12/2023 22:35

I also just text my parents when I got engaged as we were both on holiday, again it was fine

stomachameleon · 09/12/2023 22:36

@Pc5 can't you do something nice to involve them eg send a parcel to be opened by them with a grandparents baby grow in it (for example) that they open whilst on the phone to you?
I don't know how possible this is.... just an example. Given the circumstances there are ways you can still make it special.
I do agree your parents should know sooner rather than later though. And before the postman.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 09/12/2023 22:37

@Pc5 Are your wife's grandparents ill or anything?

if not she needs to wait until you've told your parents. Telling them in person is lovely and it's only a week. Of course if you hadn't had plans to come then you'd have had to video call, but you're coming here very soon, there's no reason she can't wait a week!

Nearlythere80 · 09/12/2023 22:37

You just need to crack on and tell your parents. Tomorrow maybe

InSpainTheRain · 09/12/2023 22:38

Honestly I'd just tell your parents. I don't see the big deal of telling people in person. Just tell her parents and yours the others find our whenever.

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 22:39

Pc5 · 09/12/2023 22:32

We’d like to tell in person as it feels like in person news. We didn’t get the chance to do so when we got engaged, and regretted it.

I live overseas and can’t get back to my family until the days before Christmas. (Expensive travel).

Maybe the answer is just video calling but I think we’d regret it again.

Edited

What did you regret about the way you told them you were engaged?

I think you're being a bit precious tbh. It's lovely news and will be however they find out and this way they find out before the cousins etc which is what you want.

Ardith · 09/12/2023 22:40

If you insist on doing it on person that’s up to you, but that means your parents find out after everyone else. It doesn’t mean your wife has to keep her pregnancy secret from her relatives until you give her permission to tell them! Who on earth do you think you are?!

Either tell your parents in a video call, or travel to see them now, or accept that they’ll find out a bit later than others. But stop bossing your wife around, you’re being selfish and ridiculous.

Lantyslee · 09/12/2023 22:44

I think you're overthinking it. Just phone them up - that's what I did with mine when I was pregnant. It didn't occur to me that I needed to do it in person and we only lived a couple of hours drive away. The exciting bit is the news itself, not how it's delivered.

BMWM340 · 09/12/2023 22:45

What's with telling them all in person? They aren't having a baby you are!

Just video call them?

All seems a bit OTT for a bit of baby news!

BritneyBookClubPresident · 09/12/2023 22:46

Congratulations on the baby

You have chosen to love overseas so you need to get over your regrets about video calls

Tell your family the lovely news and that you can't wait to celebrate in person when you see them

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