Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
salamirose · 09/12/2023 21:42

I don't think it will work tbh. He can't not go out because of you but also you shouldn't be put in the position he has by not coming back.

Keilagh · 09/12/2023 21:43

You don’t sound compatible

OhNoOhNo · 09/12/2023 21:45

Yes, he has let you down. You had plans, even if they are at home, and he changed them with no notice.

Throw this one back and move home.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:47

Thank you for your reply. I absolutely wouldn't tell him when/where he can go out but this kind of thing has caused so many issues in the past and all I ask is that he be considerate of me, as well as himself. I do go out with friends or family but I don't let him down the way I feel I have been in the past. Also just turning around with no prior notice, after saying explicitly that he wasn't going, was a bit of a shock to the system. Feel totally left behind and like what we were doing wasn't worth sticking around for. Very hurt and upset and don't really know what to do with myself!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 21:47

I think there is far, far more to this story, and I think you already know you need to leave him but you're looking for permission to do so. I think you're waivering and you're looking for confirmation that he's a selfish twat who doesn't value you.

Stop wasting your time. You don't need us to tell you that you need to end it.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:48

Thanks for your response, can I ask why you think that?

OP posts:
salamirose · 09/12/2023 21:49

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:47

Thank you for your reply. I absolutely wouldn't tell him when/where he can go out but this kind of thing has caused so many issues in the past and all I ask is that he be considerate of me, as well as himself. I do go out with friends or family but I don't let him down the way I feel I have been in the past. Also just turning around with no prior notice, after saying explicitly that he wasn't going, was a bit of a shock to the system. Feel totally left behind and like what we were doing wasn't worth sticking around for. Very hurt and upset and don't really know what to do with myself!

He's telling you what he wants from life and it isn't the same as what you want I'm so sorry. I know it's going to hurt hurt but I'd not waste any more time on him

DancingFerret · 09/12/2023 21:49

It is a big deal, OP. My gut reaction is either there's someone else, or he could have an alcohol problem.

Whatever, his behaviour is awful and at the very least he's treating you like a doormat. You'd be wise to consider your options.

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 21:49

He has been taking you for granted for far too long. You have been together over a decade and he constantly puts you last. I think it’s only when you express concerns over his selfishness and neglect that he love bombs you to prevent you from pulling the plug. I would guess he proposed only a few years ago to make you change your mind about leaving. You can do better than him, he is not worth any more years of your life.

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/12/2023 21:51

DancingFerret · 09/12/2023 21:49

It is a big deal, OP. My gut reaction is either there's someone else, or he could have an alcohol problem.

Whatever, his behaviour is awful and at the very least he's treating you like a doormat. You'd be wise to consider your options.

My thoughts too. How does he account for the times he just doesn't come home? Where is he? Is he taking drugs?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 21:51

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:48

Thanks for your response, can I ask why you think that?

Because I can read what you've written. It's obvious.

muchalover · 09/12/2023 21:51

There is another thread with someone 35 weeks pregnant and her partner is doing similar.

Stay and this could be you.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:52

Thank you for this considerate response. I do battle with myself about these sort of things because of being told I'm being unreasonable or "don't want him to have a life outside me", which truly is not the case at all. He can be a great person, but I do sometimes wonder if he's a decent one.

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 21:53

Nearly a decade. No wedding. You have made no friends... Time to ltb op.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 21:55

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:52

Thank you for this considerate response. I do battle with myself about these sort of things because of being told I'm being unreasonable or "don't want him to have a life outside me", which truly is not the case at all. He can be a great person, but I do sometimes wonder if he's a decent one.

Unless you wake up and decide to want more and have a better life, you will "wonder" yourself into a miserable future with a man who doesn't give a single fuck about you or your needs. You've already squandered your youth on him. How much more are you willing to give?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 09/12/2023 21:56

I think that in a normal relationship going to the office party would be normal and expected. You however have been left in the position where it's very uncomfortable for you when he goes out with workmates because he behaves very inappropriately and leaves you in a horrible position.

The answer isn't him just staying in however - if he was a decent human/liked you enough then you wouldn't need to worry because he would come home when he said he would and behave appropriately. He also wouldn't feel the need to change his mind and ditch you, presumably because he felt he was missing out on the party.

He's not the one for you, he sounds inadequate and unfulfilled, which is his problem not yours. Ditch, he will never make you happy.

Globules · 09/12/2023 21:56

I got fed up with this behaviour after a year of it on and off. He's now my ex. You deserve to be treated better than this.

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 21:56

Time to put yourself front and centre OP.

Hellenika · 09/12/2023 21:57

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:52

Thank you for this considerate response. I do battle with myself about these sort of things because of being told I'm being unreasonable or "don't want him to have a life outside me", which truly is not the case at all. He can be a great person, but I do sometimes wonder if he's a decent one.

Who tells you this? If he is the one saying it, he has been messing with your head.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:57

He usually stays with friends, or at least that's what I'm told. Did have addiction issues long ago, but only has a few drinks every now and then these days. I really don't think (perhaps I'm naive) that there's anyone else because of various reasons like being bery present when he is here, not being sketchy about his phone or things like that.

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 21:58

My ex was like this. My father had just died and he was going out with his workmates which I didn't mind but I said please can you text me later as I'm feeling quite distraught? I just wanted a reassurance message. He didn't bother.

Honestly op it doesn't get better. It's horrible being with someone uncaring.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:59

Interesting that you said that because he only proposed last year, after 11 years together.

OP posts:
ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 09/12/2023 21:59

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

He needs to leave. JC.

Circumferences · 09/12/2023 22:00

He needs to "network" with either another woman or a booze up.
He doesn't sound trustworthy. Your gut is telling you the same.

I used to love chilling on the sofa with DP, no one else around, couldn't care less about work colleagues. I mean who genuinely prioritizes work colleagues and "networking" over their partner?? A player. That's who.

samqueens · 09/12/2023 22:00

Oh lord - please don’t marry this man, unless you’re happy to be dealing with the same for the rest of your life… don’t think that when you’re married/pregnant/have three children it’ll be different. He is showing you who he is - HE is his priority. Believe him now and save yourself a LOT of grief.