Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
Ohtobetwentytwo · 09/12/2023 23:22

Ypu just arent compatible. You are being a bit controlling by making your anxiety the reason he cant go out but that because he has form for acting like a child.

You cant have an equal partnership if you have a parent/child dynamic.

I dont know how tou resolve it. Telling you to dump him sounds OTT but short of him "behaving, which you cant enforce or guilt him into, theres not a lot more you can do and I think you'll waste a few years figuring out that this isn't your person.

Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 23:23

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 23:17

@Tonight1 i truly hope you get what your heart desires

Edited

Oh I just meant if I could go back in time I would have liked to be with a partner more caring. I'm 40s now, unfortunately I felt protective of ex so stayed with him for far too long. Thanks for your wishes :)

LadeOde · 09/12/2023 23:24

@OP this relationship has run its course. You are to be married and he's already causing 'anxiety', he is not right for you. Cut your losses and do not waste another day on him. The year is about to come to a end and so should this relationship.

velvetstars · 09/12/2023 23:25

I despair.

You went on a night out with your DP & his friend. He left you on your own and went off with his mate, wouldn't take your calls/msgs and left you to make your own way home.

The fact you didn't leave him after this just blows my mind.

Have some self respect, you get one life and you're wasting it on someone who doesn't love you or respect you. Head back to your family and friends before xmas. Make plans with them and start the new year with a fresh slate. There is nothing for you where you are right now and 11yrs of this shows that there never will be.

GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 23:27

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 23:13

This is how people become unhappy in their relationships because their boundaries are constantly eroded

Thats what he has done to your boundaries and now you are becoming more unhappy. It’s a pattern of behaviour though isn’t it?

It doesn’t matter if you’ve got your job, family, friends and hobbies- we’ve all got those things

what matters is you are not happy and he feels content enough to do what he does in the knowledge you will tolerate it

The fact he keeps doing it tells you who he really is. His actions show his character not his words.

Yup.

allllll of this.

not what you want to hear but you really should not marry this guy. sorry.

Lysianthus · 09/12/2023 23:28

Renamed · 09/12/2023 22:22

You made plans together. He got bored. He went out.

If this was a relative, you’d be miffed, but maybe think, ah the hell with them.

If this was a friend, you’d be offended and really consider whether you’d ever make plans with them again.

This is your partner, who’s just walked off and left you hanging, not because of a row or anything, just because he felt like it. And you’re heavily pregnant.

Heavily pregnant?! Do people not bother reading the OP anymore? Apologies if I missed it...

OP, for what it's worth (and tbh you're getting some bizarre responses) I think he always meant to go to the Xmas party but didn't have the balls to tell you - and I'm not surprised because it's really odd to have a works party on a Saturday night.

Take it at face value: when he gets back, tomorrow, and he's sobered up, ask him directly if he knew he wanted to go, and why he couldn't say that. Honesty always the best policy. When you have his honest answer you'll know what to do. None of us on here can see/tell if his answer is honest so you're going to have to decipher that bit yourself. Good luck.

Zonder · 09/12/2023 23:30

This will only get worse.

Pokinganose · 09/12/2023 23:31

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:57

He usually stays with friends, or at least that's what I'm told. Did have addiction issues long ago, but only has a few drinks every now and then these days. I really don't think (perhaps I'm naive) that there's anyone else because of various reasons like being bery present when he is here, not being sketchy about his phone or things like that.

That first sentence alone infers that you don't trust him. That and the way he seems not to value your time or care if he let's you down and puts others before you doesn't add up to a good relationship. There's probably much more to this but just not letting you know whether he's coming home and thinking its OK to not just come home at all after a night out on top of that well it just isn't OK.

Statementdress · 09/12/2023 23:32

the problem you have is not about having different expectations about going out. It’s the fact that he has so little respect for you.

it sounds to me that if he came home at a reasonable hour ( I mean 2-3am!) or even texted you to say he’d be late, this wouldn’t be a problem.

The leaving you alone in a pub and disappearing with his friend is a major red flag. It is a really horrible thing to do. Is he a shagger? I bet they ended up chatting up some women they met outside.

your anxiety about him going out isn’t about you being controlling- it’s about feeling anxious about his lack of care for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 23:32

The behaviour and treatment you tolerate, repeatedly, are absolutely fucking unbelievable.

I'm sorry op, you have no boundaries or standards at all. I know you want to believe you do, but you obviously don't. You need to figure out why on earth you stay with a man who clearly has not one ounce of respect or consideration for you.

ilovetomatoes · 09/12/2023 23:33

I’m pretty certain drugs are involved OP. The secrecy, running out at the last minute, ditching you on a night out, coming home at 5/6am.

unless he changes his friendship group this will be a constant issue for you in the future including when you have children (if that’s in your plan).

it will be tough but I think you need to seriously consider leaving him. I’m sorry.

SequentialAnalyst · 09/12/2023 23:33

Please don't marry him.

To him, keeping a promise to you feels like being controlled. Even though a mutually agreed arrangement for spending the evening together is hardly controlling!

So off he goes. He feels free! Good for him! Let him go.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/12/2023 23:40

And after you become pregnant we'll be reading your post about how you're 35 weeks and spouse has disappeared at the pub which closed two hours ago; isn't answering phone; does this all the time... 🤷‍♀️
Please re-evaluate this relationship. It and you are not his priority. This won't change.
If you can live with that you are a better woman than me.

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2023 23:41

You can't stop people from going where they want, but that's the point he wanted to go and not spend the time with you, if he'd have wanted to he could have taken you along, he didn't want to.
You are ok to him if there's nothing better to do, sorry to be brutally but been there done that. They're not worth wasting your life, if you have family to go home to, go home pack your bags and leave, when he goes to work on Monday and leave him a note. Go start a new life, get a new job a new home and day a new partner, you won't regret it and your anxiety will get better, this relationship causes most of it 100%
New year new start.
Get the ball rolling and walk. X

Wholovesabitofcheese · 09/12/2023 23:44

I was you OP a long time ago. With my ex for 8 years. He would go out and not come home, no phone call, total silence. Treated me awful. Disappear on nights out and i would have to make my own way home. This went on for a long time. He took me for granted. I left, never looked back and a couple of years later I met my DH who treated me very differently. Married for 23 years, 3 DC's and I am in my fifties. I would definitely would of told my younger self I deserved better. You deserve better OP and deep down you know you you are worth so much more. I would leave, move back nearer to friends and family if you have the opportunity.

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2023 23:48

I think he's a coke head.

StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 23:50

He's shown you his priorities, OP. You need to decide if you want a life of this or not because he's not going to change.

I'm sure there'll be lots of people along to tell you that it's normal and that you should just let him go out, usually because they're married to men who spend a lot of time at the pub/football/golf etc, but if that's not something you are prepared to put up with (I certainly wouldn't) then, as a PP said, it all comes down to compatibility, really.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2023 23:52

You're no longer compatible (if you even ever were).

He doesn't respect you.

If I were you, I'd leave and move back close to your friends and family. Please do not marry him, because things won't improve, if anything, if you go through with the wedding, you may very well have that sudden realisation of what a mistake you've made, sadly, I know that feeling all too well. My biggest regret was not calling off the wedding, and not moving back to be close to my friends and family. Don't make the same poor choices that I did.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/12/2023 23:52

OP, you do have my sympathy, though. I'll bet 90% of the people on this thread have been in your shoes one way or another. The longer you stay the more difficult to leave. Scroll the myriad similar posts to yours on this forum. Undoubtedly you'll see yourself over and over. You'll also see far worse that could be you in the future/not too distant future.
You really are worth more. 🩷🩷🩷🩷

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 09/12/2023 23:54

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:48

Thanks for your response, can I ask why you think that?

I agree.
He has no respect for you . Can’t keep to his word puts staying out all night before you .
What is it he’s doing and who is he with when he’s out all night?
You are not his priority . He is his priority .
He’s selfish and possibly many other things too.
Go back to your home town and start to build your own life.
He’s wasting your time and years and so are you .

justasking111 · 10/12/2023 00:02

Only one of you has matured in 11 years and it's not him. You're a comfortable piece of the furniture now.

We can't know if he's a coke head, cheater,, but we do know he'll make you unhappy.

Call off the wedding before you waste too much money.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/12/2023 00:07

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

My realisation hit me on our wedding night. Big time.

The honeymoon was hell.

I told him it was over within a year of the wedding.

I felt so stupid at the time BUT that doesn't matter, I was young at the time and cared too much about what other people would think, but I'm older and wiser now and I wish I hadn't given a fuck, because it was my life. I moved on, enjoyed some time to myself for a couple of years before meeting my now second/current lol husband, who's mainly great 😂

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 00:07

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change.

This is exactly what will happen. You already know it will. Yet here you are, marching straight ahead into disaster.

It's honestly absolutely insane. You have a choice, stop behaving like you don't.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/12/2023 00:10

I know I shouldn't speak for others, but a very close friend too had similar reservations but went ahead with the wedding, she too left him within a year of the wedding. Of course regretted marrying him in the first place when she'd had doubts.

A lot of us have made this mistake, please listen to our great wisdom!

ETA and this same friend had her own reservations about my upcoming marriage (that was years before her mistake), but she didn't say anything, I REALLY wish she had. It's so hard to jump off that wedding train once you're on it but believe me, it's better to pull the emergency cord and jump off than to stay on it.