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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:55

5 or 6am well sorry but I’d suspect cocaine usage as that’s what usually keeps people awake as most normal folk couldn’t handle being awake all night after drinking

of course he was planning it all along - I think you need to run from this one!

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:55

Does he have the sniffles after these nights out?

Tilllly · 09/12/2023 22:55

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

And you think it will happen?

You sound isolated
He sounds unreliable
He doesn't put you first, you are anxious to please / keep the peace

Does he make you happy? Because this relationship sounds really hard work

Random2243 · 09/12/2023 22:55

It’s a complicated one - on the one side he has let you down, and that’s not okay, on the flip side I also recognise the importance of networking and sometimes with big work parties senior execs fly over on short notice and you may only have one or two times a year to socialise and influence.

I don’t know his job / role - but sometimes those nights socialising can make you £50-100k depending on the role.

I think the main issue here is communication and expectations.

I’m fortunate I have a very accommodating wife and I have been in similar situations in the past, but we’ve always discussed it and if she really says no, then I’ll prioritise her, but more often than not, she will say - go, we can lay on the sofa and watch movies tomo, go do your thing.

Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 22:56

@TiredFiancée I have no idea why people keep going on about children.

But yes if this is a continual thing it doesn't look like you're compatible. I understand about not living near friends as I don't either, I moved away to settle elderly relative. Nearest friend is probably 45 minutes away.

I have never fallen in love again after ex nor had children and don't want same thing to happen to anyone else.

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 22:56

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

Raise your bar.

If a partner I’d been with for 11 YEARS just left me on a night out like this and didn’t care how I got home, that would be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He doesn’t respect you. Do you want this to be your life if you have kids and be stuck in a place far from your family and friends?

Move home. Leave him, he won’t change, as much as you hope he will. You’re not compatible and he seems like a selfish bell end.

Tilllly · 09/12/2023 22:58

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

I would be furious if my DH did this

But he doesn't and wouldn't, because he loves and respects me and how I feel is important to him

Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 23:01

Oops just seen that he actually left you on a night out. That is absolutely unforgivable.

This man doesn’t not respect you at all. It takes a certain type of character to do that to the one he loves.

Youd be absolutely crazy to stick around a minute longer!!

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 23:02

I can't speak for him but actively encourage his seperate interests etc away from me so I don't know why that would cause any pressure to be honest. I do work full-time, have hobbies, have my family and close friends and all that and am happy in my own company so I'm always keen to give/receive space. No affairs, and I addressed the "reasonable hour" thing in an earlier reply - I don't think 5/6 am or not coming home at all ,without any contact is reasonable - within my personal boundaries.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2023 23:05

I was a bit on the fence until I saw your updates that he has had addiction issues in the past, he frequently stays out for the entire night, and that once he just ditched you whilst on a night out with you without even bothering to let you know.

I literally can't think of a single excuse not to message someone that you'd been split up from them. In fact I've been in similar situations and the person I was with didn't have their phone, and got random people to come inside and look for me and tell me he was waiting for me outside. That's what a normal person would do

ValerieDoonican · 09/12/2023 23:06

5 in the morning is unreasonable. Of course it is. No wonder you get anxious. I think the important question for me is - why have you put up with this so long.

You are being played for a fool.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 23:06

I'm really appreciating all of your responses, was not expecting even one so thank you for your input. Even if they're not easy to hear I really needed to get this off my chest so again, thanks for taking the time. I'm trying to answer all questions quickly and honestly!

OP posts:
TeaGinandFags · 09/12/2023 23:08

He's shown you what he thinks of you.

Believe him.

Now show yourself some respect and leave him to his networking and booze.

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 23:08

@Random2243 unrelated but I didn’t know men were on MN haha.

I may be wrong I don’t think OP’s issue is the actual work party her DP went for. It could have been a birthday party for all we care. The problem is her DP going incommunicado/coming back very late in the morning etc that her DP has exhibited on so many of his nights out and so she knows tonight will be no different.

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 23:13

OP you’re explaining yourself too much already. Also you don’t need to respond to every comment. Just take the advice you need and ditch the ones you don’t.

and no coming back by 5/6 am is outrageous!! Is he a famous celebrity by any chance lol because what is he doing out till then. Signing autographs? Lol

Ashreen · 09/12/2023 23:13

Wrong forum

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 23:13

Thank you, that's exactly the issue. It's hoping for a different outcome and being let down that upsets me and causes the anxiety around it. I hate to use "triggering" but honestly it does feel like that right now. A party is fine obviously, everyone is entitled to let loose, socialise, whatever - just don't make promises/plans and then ditch your fiancée last minute, knowing all of this!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 23:13

This is how people become unhappy in their relationships because their boundaries are constantly eroded

Thats what he has done to your boundaries and now you are becoming more unhappy. It’s a pattern of behaviour though isn’t it?

It doesn’t matter if you’ve got your job, family, friends and hobbies- we’ve all got those things

what matters is you are not happy and he feels content enough to do what he does in the knowledge you will tolerate it

The fact he keeps doing it tells you who he really is. His actions show his character not his words.

ShouldGoToBed · 09/12/2023 23:13

The only thing that you’re doing that’s unreasonable is putting up with someone who treats you like this for so long. You don’t have to stick around with someone who’s behaviours often makes you anxious. That’s no way to live.

Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 23:14

Honestly if I could have my time again I'd want someone more caring. Please don't waste your young years

Bluebellsbells · 09/12/2023 23:16

I feel that he always intended to go out but he didn't tell you until the last minute because he knew the agro he would get if he told you.

Having said that I think you are justified in your thinking, his past behaviour is almost out of control and extremely selfish- with no consideration of your feelings. Leaving you in the pub and not attempting to contact you or help you get home for me would be a deal breaker.

He hasn't given you any assurances that his past behaviour has changed nor has he made you feel better. Instead he's kept his plans to himself, lied about it, until he could literally tell you and run. Why? Because he's selfish.

It's taken 11 years to propose?! Why is he doing this now, if he genuinely loved you why would it take him 11 years.

To me the signs suggest he's a selfish man child.

I would definitely reconsider tying yourself further to him.

Walker1178 · 09/12/2023 23:17

OP, I know exactly how you feel. My DP has a group of friends that aren’t great. They’re all unemployed, none drive and spend their days drinking and getting stoned. Not long after we got together they called from an illegal rave 3 hours away to get a lift home. My DP went to pick them up and got arrested. I was at his house on my own and had no idea until it got late after several hours I was beside myself, his phone was going straight to vmail, finally he phoned me 6 hours after he should have been home to explain. He then slept in the car for a couple of hours before driving home. I have good reason to not trust any of his mates, he knows and understands why.

Yet he’ll still go out with them, say he’ll be home at X and then go awol. Non communicado. I don’t have a problem at all with him being with them, if he would just let me know he’s ok and plans have changed. When I’m sat at home waiting for him to have dinner/watch a movie or whatever we’ve planned then I get really annoyed. It’s a respect thing, just let me know what’s happening.

I wish I had some good advice, it’s a crappy place to be and I know how much I hate it when it happens. I hope you find a way to fix it as despite pleas and arguments here nothing changes 😔

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 23:17

@Tonight1 i truly hope you get what your heart desires

Katbum · 09/12/2023 23:19

Would you treat the most important relationship in your life this carelessly? If the answer is no, leave and find someone who is capable of reciprocity

Bluebellsbells · 09/12/2023 23:20

Katbum · 09/12/2023 23:19

Would you treat the most important relationship in your life this carelessly? If the answer is no, leave and find someone who is capable of reciprocity

Such a good question. That's one in the thought bank for it hubbie ever causes a issue!