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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:26

That may have sounded a bit intense, I did mean it in more of a general sense like if I had made plans with him I'd follow through, and just generally take him into consideration because we're supposed to be a team. Of course I have have family and friends that I also prioritise, absolutely!!

OP posts:
Ivegotthepowerr · 09/12/2023 22:26

He sounds unreliable op. Sorry to hear you are going through this. He sounds like someone who needs to be out socialising and it doesn't sound as much as a priority to you. Also leaving with a couple of minute's notice tonight was rude and inconsiderate.

Renamed · 09/12/2023 22:28

Oops seem to have read 2 thread titles at once. Ok but it is still shit IMO

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:28

I'm not pregnant, just fyi!!

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 22:31

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:28

I'm not pregnant, just fyi!!

Sorry but that made me laugh op! I had reread initial post to see if I'd missed something 🤣

Nina9870 · 09/12/2023 22:32

Why do you have anxiety about him going to an Xmas do? Is there a backstory?
just trying to understand because my if DP spent all day with me watching films then decided to go to his works do last min, I wouldn’t care.
I do agree with others saying you’re incompatible, I’m really sorry. This will be drawn out for years if you let it and then one of you will have had enough.

InSpainTheRain · 09/12/2023 22:32

My view is that he still has addiction issues. He's been going along all day with the cosy Christmas thing with you - but he can't resist hence the quick change. I say dump and run - he's obviously not reliable, 10 years is a long time and I'm not sure he will marry you if that's what you want. Sorry OP it's time to wise up and find someone who treats you better than that

AutumnFroglets · 09/12/2023 22:33

You don't trust him.

He has proven himself not be be trustworthy on nights out. He also lies.

Why are you with a liar? Why marry someone you no longer trust? Living with him has given you great anxiety. Does this mean you are drugging (antidepressants) yourself to stay with him? Because nobody should do that - what they should do is leave.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:35

I don't trust him in this specific circumstance because of past behaviour. I'm honestly perfectly happy with my own company and have plenty of friends/family I can call for a chat or whatever, they just unfortunately don't live here! I've lived here for a couple of years, referring to it as "his" hometown was more for context I suppose. I also do like to go out, maybe not as much as he does, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I just knew about it in advance or could rely on his word to be home at a reasonable hour etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:36

You're not the only one, I was like do they know something I don't?!😂

OP posts:
TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 09/12/2023 22:39

Respectfully I really don't (or think I do) suffocate him. My expectations are fairly standard - love, honesty, kindness and respect.

What do you think he thinks about the fact that you don't have local friends? Might he feel a lot of pressure because of it.

Deciding o go out last minute isn't great if you've arranged to watch movies but it wouldn't be a problem in many relationships. Expecting him to be home at a 'reasonable hour' sounds a bit unreasonable too. You speak of past behaviours, does that mean he had affairs?

PickAChew · 09/12/2023 22:39

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:25

wher did she say she’s heavily pregnant?

She didn't but pp compared it to OP's possible. Future.

She's isolated from her own network and he lies to her. It's not unreasonable to be feeling miffed.

eardefender · 09/12/2023 22:40

You say it yourself in your user name. You are tired of it. Don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. You are young enough to meet someone who is right for you. Don’t wake up in 10 years with regrets that you married or had kids with someone you always knew fell short. You have the right to be with someone you really love and who really loves you.

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 22:41

I can’t help but wonder if he always planned to go but used this tactic to avoid any disagreements between you in the run up to this night out. If that is the case he sounds like a child who doesn’t have much emotional intelligence or any capacity for change. With that in mind I think you have to ask yourself if he is unlikely to change, whether you are willing to accept he’s likely to behave like this around going out in the future as well.

Nina9870 · 09/12/2023 22:41

Do you have kids? Why does he need to be back at a ‘reasonable hour’?
it just sounds a bit suffocating if I’m honest, I wouldn’t like my husband to ask me to come back from a night out at a specific time- you either trust them or you don’t.
i don’t mean to sound blunt, but if the trust isn’t there then I think you deserve to be with someone who you do trust. The worry and anxiety isn’t worth it x

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 09/12/2023 22:43

This depends

Are you saying he told you he’d be home at 11 for example and didn’t return until an hour or so later?

I mean the thing is you can’t just suddenly end your night out because you need to get back because you told your wife you’d be home. And the phone well after a few beers you are chatting and in deep conversation so you aren’t really thinking about your wife/gf at home

I have in the past asked my other half when they’d be home but I realised it was sort of a silly question !! Because how would they know and quite frankly it annoyed them and me when they didn’t arrive back when said

Also he was always planning to out he just didn’t want the aggro of you in the lead up to the event so didn’t tell you

And that is what happens when you try to change people - either accept him or move on

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 09/12/2023 22:44

Had he told you earlier that he wanted to go out, how would you have reacted?

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:45

I appreciate your honesty! Most pubs where we are close at 2 at the latest , so for me reasonable is not coming back at 5 or 6 am, especially when I have work in the morning and now there's people in my house trying to continue the party! I don't give him an ultimatum or a "bedtime", a quick text to say it's going late is all I want so I know the story!

OP posts:
Katbum · 09/12/2023 22:46

If there is a healthy dynamic with trust and affection and all that, then last minute decision to go out wouldn’t be an issue. In this case you have evidence he isn’t trustworthy on nights out. Ffs if my DH left me to go home alone on a night out and regularly went awol after drinking I’d be considering divorce…total disrespect and honestly there is likely something shady going on. You don’t just evaporate unless you are hiding something. This man sounds immature and disrespectful and just not kind. Don’t ruin your life by having kids with him.

Iscreamtea · 09/12/2023 22:47

Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back.

This man has no respect for you.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:48

Absolutely, we've all been on nights out where you get caught up or have a few too many and lose track of time! I'm talking about if someone tells you it'll be about 11 or whatever, and then shows up at 5 or 6am it's a bit different and a quick text to let me know isn't too much to ask for. In relation to always planning to go out, that's quite hurtful because I'd like to think I'm a reasonable person and understanding - just feel like a mug that I planned a whole night in for us only to be left in the lurch last minute.

OP posts:
EnidSpyton · 09/12/2023 22:50

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

Good lord, woman!

Have some self respect.

He doesn't love or respect you. His behaviour is consistently showing you this.

Leave. Now. Before you are legally tied, and before you have children with him.

Why do so many women have such low standards for themselves?

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 22:52

Just get rid. He's not considerate towards you. End it x

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 22:52

I’d be questioning if he really is in recovery if I were you. It sounds like he prioritises staying out drinking over you and lies and is secretive in order to have nights out.

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