Fiancé has let me down again?

[TiredFiancée]

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

@ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy I've read all op's posts. She sounds controlling and inflexible and like she only wants what she says to happen. Like all the arguments are because he won't do what she says, when she says it.

seems you’re the only one who got that impression. Perhaps you need to look in the mirror.

Yes he might go out all night but so what? Lock up, go to bed, and leave him to it.

are* *you being serious or are you being a troll. So in a couple of years when she has a newborn will it still be ok if he stays out all night???

You definitely have bottom barrel pick me syndrome because you are sympathising with the fiancé’s behaviour. In another post you called OP a red flag. You’re the only red flag in this thread.

if you’re a woman then you are clearly accepting crumbs and if you’re a man you’re okay behaving like this. 😒

OP please do us all a favour and ignore this time waster.

OP, this is the life you are signing up for if you go ahead and marry him. He won't change. Even if/when you have kids- I can guarantee you. You'll be up looking after the baby and wondering where the hell he is, who he's with, and when he will be home.

Doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

😂😂😂 my dh would never behave like this.

If he is still doing this to op and her newborn in a few years, that's on her because at that point, it's a choice, isn't it? She can walk away now, anything further he does to her is on her.

People can only do to you what you let them.

@Tandora

He’s a grown man, why does he have a curfew?? It’s not like you have kids and he’s leaving all the hard work to you.

Relationships talk-less of marriages are based on communication. All this talk about curfew is your own imagination as OP never mentioned anything about that. All she asked for is communication.

if my husband goes out and says he’ll be back by 12am and he’s not then I expect a text at some point telling me when he’ll be back. He expects same of me. It’s accountability and this is expected in any basic relationship.

Her complaints include her finance going incommunicado as soon as he walks out the door and not coming back until the next morning. On several occasions she doesn’t even know where he has been or where he slept.
how is this acceptable behaviour in any way shape or form.

to your comment of it’s not like they have kids …ok what about when they do have kids. Would OP’s fears be more valid then? Mind you that man ain’t gonna change and she’ll be on MN in two years with the same issue.

My DH when young tied on a few. Once on Christmas eve when I had a two week old baby. At 2am I sent his father out to look for him I was scared witless. Probably because my father never drank with mates only when out with mother I was a bit naive.

My DD was with someone like this - he was an alcoholic and coke addict. Id leave, you'll never have peace of mind with someone like this.

Just read that he left you on a night out - WTF OP?

Id put money on him being a coke-head.

This stuck out to me,

I might seem like a very weak woman but I don't think being forgiving or trying to believe the best in someone is inherently a negative trait.

You are forgiving someone who isn't even sorry, what's the point? Go back to your family op, I bet they're expecting you!

I'm afraid of leaving someone I truly love and have a lot of shared history with.
But he doesn't love you back. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't even think about you.

Start loving yourself more. Because right now you don't love yourself even a tiny bit, and it shows.

Pay no heed to the posters making you feel foolish for not ditching him sooner.

they’ve obviously never been in an abusive relationship ( and he is being abusive). He obviously never started out that way.

its the boiling a frog analogy- put a frog in cold water and slowly heat it up. The frog won’t get out as it doesn’t notice the increasing temperature until it’s too late - that’s what abusive relationships are like.

The good thing is you’ve noticed before you’ve married him. Honestly, you’ve dodged a bullet.

You are doing the same thing over and over and over again, and expecting a different result.

Why?

I heard this line in a song.
" A promise is a comfort to a fool "

and I thought that's a powerful truth. Don't be a fool any longer OP.

Hope you're OK OP? Has he turned up yet? I hope you've told him it's over. Besides all the other bullshit yesterday and was obviously planned. Buttered you up all day, led you to believe he was staying home with you and then pissed off as planned.
There's no way this man respects you, let alone loves you. It will be sad after all this time but it will be the best Christmas present to yourself to end this relationship.

I'm okay, but not at the same time - if you know what I mean. Just exhausted from it all. He did come home, sent a text at about 3 and then showed up at 4.30. He actually wasn't that drunk and definitely hadn't taken anything, plus I do know the people he said he was with until then so I really don't think there was another woman or anything like that involved.

He was all apologies but I told him that I didn't really want to talk about it as I was upset He had admitted that he has an issue with drinking, which is more than he's said before and that he's going to to seek h3lp and possibly therapy for the underlying issues he has. (I know, still all just words and not action - not just taking this at face value)

I have told him now that the writing is on the wall and I cannot marry someone who treats me with so little respect and care. I am making plans to leave, haven't outright broken up but want/need to get my ducks in a row first.

Fair play to you for calling it off.if you start wavering I’d point you also shouldn’t marry someone with a drinking problem…

You have made an amazing first step towards a happy healthy future. I understand you need to get all your ducks in a row. But by pre warning him of you leaving he's going to do one of two things- he's going to love bomb you, convince you to stay (he will mean none of it, he just wants his life to continue as it is and relies on you for this) or he's going to be incredibly difficult. Either way be strong, the end goal is happiness and none of this is. You can't live your life with a drunk, you can't have a family with a drunk, you can't have a happy future with a drunk- and if he hasn't changed over the past 11 years your influence is not going to change him.

Ime you won't regret taking this opportunity to call it a day. But you would live to regret listening to his empty promises to change.

Thank you. I think he has taken it moreso that I've put a pause on the wedding rather a complete break-up, which suits me fine as it allows me time to get sorted. Also thanks to everyone who has given advice and input, I do appreciate it. I think I already knew none of this was right (this is not the only issue, but I'm sure that's obvious) but couldn't admit it or believed that maybe I was the one at fault and needed to know I wasn't crazy. I've spent so long protecting him that it's almost counter intuitive to reveal anything about these types of incidents.

Yes I get that about communication and I acknowledged that in my post. But it sounds from OP’s post that the reason he isn’t communicating when he’ll be back is that he is worried about the repercussions - doesn’t want OP to be “hurt and anxious”, hence saying he won’t go out and then “I’ll just be an hour” etc. Yes that’s pathetic behaviour and he’s obviously an avoidant type (as I noted) but it sounds like OP may also be being quite controlling.

The curfew comment came from OP saying she doesn’t mind if he goes out as long as he comes back at a “reasonable hour”.

on the kids thing- yes imv it would be completely different if they had kids because he would be leaving her to do all the work, while he goes out partying. Which obviously isn’t fair.

As it is , why shouldn’t he go out and stay out late if he wants to? Especially on his work Christmas do!

I dated someone for 7 years who would do this to me too. I will never forget the anxiety of sitting waiting for a message or having to ring round his friends to find out where he was when he wasn't home at 6/7/8 in the morning! It's disrespectful and selfish. You deserve someone who will put you first.

Anyway, I'm now with someone who wouldn't dream of going out and not letting me know when he was coming back. You are absolutely making the right decision.

At the end of the day there's no objective rulebook on what is reasonable and what isn't in terms of behaviour - some people are fine with their partners going out till the wee small hours without letting them know, many aren't. The thing that absolutely isn't reasonable is when someone states their needs, and their partner ignores them, or worse, pretends to meet them but then ignores them. It's a betrayal of trust. That creates a huge lack of trust, and that is what is going on for you. Why would you feel relaxed and trusting towards someone who has repeatedly let you down? You wouldn't, any more than you would trust a sieve to hold water.

I'm not saying that every time someone states their needs, their partner has to meet them exactly where they are. It is often a question of compromise. But that compromise, once agreed upfront, must be stuck to.

Your fiancé isn't doing that, and that is what is unreasonable of him.

Good luck op

Well done you. You're going to be OK.

Speaking as somebody that stuck it out and gave believed it would get better with age - get out now.

It was similar, plans changed at last minute and late, drunken nights out. I couldn't care less about the socialising but once we had children it didn't stop. They (and I) deserved better.

I am ok my own now. No regrets but if I had known I don't think I'd have made the same choices.

Good for you, you sound like a smart woman. I know you'll find a decent man who respects you in the future.

Be proud and stay strong. This is a huge step and the first of many that will get you where you're going. You're most definitely not crazy, just worn down a bit. But you're going to come through this stronger than ever before. :)