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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 10/12/2023 06:34

Ten years of rinse and repeating. Nothing has changed, neither his appalling behavior nor your reaction. He knows he can dismiss your feelings and boundaries and act like a single man as much as he wants — and you’ll be going nowhere.

This is who he is, @TiredFiancée. Your love and respect are not reciprocated. It’s sad that you are settling for this utter contempt and callous disregard.

Putting your future in the hands of such a self-serving, entitled, unempathetic man would be very foolish.

biter · 10/12/2023 06:54

Blimey. You are young. Life is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to love him and him you, and be happy to spend time together. To be relaxed together and able to share thoughts, feelings and experiences.

It's not supposed to be angst and worry and feeling let down.

Yes, all relationships have bad patches but the majority of the time, especially when you are young, carefree and in the run up to an exciting, fun , romantic wedding, should be the the best days. Not the days you survive or 'get through'.

Seriously aim higher, expect more, corny phrase but learn to love yourself a bit more and you'll see that you are worth so much more than the scraps you seem to be getting.

Focus on you, and take it from there. If you are happy and love yourself, happiness and love will find you.

Ivegotthepowerr · 10/12/2023 07:07

I think your body / gut instinct is warning you that there is something wrong with this picture before you get married. Honestly, his need to keep going out would give me the ick.

RedToothBrush · 10/12/2023 07:52

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

This post says it all to me.

You are not going into your wedding dreaming of a future together and are happy.

You are worried about sunk costs and regret. BEFORE you marry.

Wakey wakey. He's Mr convenient right now comfortable shoes can't be arsed getting out of the relationship because that's scary and hard. He's not Mr right.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 10/12/2023 08:03

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:35

I don't trust him in this specific circumstance because of past behaviour. I'm honestly perfectly happy with my own company and have plenty of friends/family I can call for a chat or whatever, they just unfortunately don't live here! I've lived here for a couple of years, referring to it as "his" hometown was more for context I suppose. I also do like to go out, maybe not as much as he does, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I just knew about it in advance or could rely on his word to be home at a reasonable hour etc.

Why does he need to be in when you say so though? You don't have children. I'd really like to hear his side of this. You sound like a walking red flag, op, imo.

Snowdogsmitten · 10/12/2023 08:04

Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

The three of you were out and they fucked off, leaving you on your own in the pub, and didn’t tell you they’d left?! What the fuck?

Why are you putting up with this low quality man?

Snowdogsmitten · 10/12/2023 08:07

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 10/12/2023 08:03

Why does he need to be in when you say so though? You don't have children. I'd really like to hear his side of this. You sound like a walking red flag, op, imo.

Show quote history

Have you read the whole thread? 😵‍💫 he’s a twat. His behaviour has made the OP understandably twitchy. She’s not a red flag. If you have low standards, fine, but not everyone does.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 10/12/2023 08:14

I've read all op's posts. She sounds controlling and inflexible and like she only wants what she says to happen. Like all the arguments are because he won't do what she says, when she says it.

Yes he might go out all night but so what? Lock up, go to bed, and leave him to it.

Or leave. He won't change and all the controlling and trying to educate him obviously isnt going to. I wouldn't be 10 years into a relationship like this, I have got standards thanks.

Tandora · 10/12/2023 08:14

I’m surprised by the responses on the thread. I think YABU OP. Of course your partner should go to his work Christmas do above staying in with you and watching films. He shouldnt have said he wasn’t going and then changed his mind at the last minute, but it sounds like he felt emotionally blackmailed into saying that, as he knew that going would cause you “hurt and anxiety”?? This isn’t right at all. You say it’s because of past behaviour , but refer to that behaviour as him not coming home “on time” or at a “reasonable hour.” He’s a grown man, why does he have a curfew?? It’s not like you have kids and he’s leaving all the hard work to you. yes if he was going out all the time until all hours and never spending time with you, you would have a point, but he should be allowed to go to his Christmas work do , and stay as late as he wants!! You’re not preg, you don’t have kids, you are both in your early 30s! Let him have a social life, and you should get one too.
He sounds passive and avoidant - which are not good qualities in a partner - hence instead of setting boundaries with you (telling you he’s likely to be out late to tonight ) he’s trying to pacify you in the moment , by telling you what you want to hear, and then avoiding picking up his phone. But you sound needy and controlling- which are also issues.
i agree with others that you are not compatible and this relationship is not healthy.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 10/12/2023 08:14

He can be a great person, but I do sometimes wonder if he's a decent one

This sentence really stuck out to me.

Why are you marrying him if you don't know if he is decent?

That's the bare minimum you want in a life partner. You need to be able to trust him. I don't mean in a 'is he snogging other women' type way either. I mean if it came down to it, would you trust him with your life? Because if not, you need to break this off. You deserve more.

Zonder · 10/12/2023 08:15

You have a clear choice. Carry on and accept that this will be your life, even once married and even if you have children. He will not change and he will not respect you.

Or you can recognise that you want something better and have that conversation with him. You can tell him it's not working for you and if he wants to continue this attitude then it's the end of the road.

It depends on whether you are content to put up with this (whatever this is, drugs, OW or just friends being more important than you) or not.

ValerieDoonican · 10/12/2023 08:35

Your fiancé does not give you the love and respect you give him. He never has. You are doing all the work in this relationship.

Very much this. However much you love him, he doesn't make you happy and can't be bothered to try.

Loving someone is not an instruction to put up with their shit you know.

YouveGotAFastCar · 10/12/2023 08:36

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

Then he’s shown you who he is, and you have to choose if you can live with that. You can’t expect him to never go out again; and you can’t live with the anxiety around him being out. It’ll destroy you both. Him turning down the Christmas party and then going anyway proves that. Your reaction to his past behaviour is to be controlling on this front, even if it’s unintentional

He ditched you in a pub for his friends…

Honestly, I’ve been here and it hurts, but this isn’t it for him. He doesn’t respect you. You know it, too. You want a partner who would never dream of leaving you in a pub by yourself and never contacting you again, because they care about you.

He may as well take out signage to show that he doesn’t, I’m afraid. You deserve a lot better.

Quitelikeit · 10/12/2023 08:44

I don’t think the OP realises at all what is happening to her. She is claiming that this is only a small part of him and he has good points. Murderers and abusers do to but that doesn’t mean you should marry one?!

When a man shows you this level of disrespect that spills over - it doesn’t stop there, you cannot see this. However I predict you will stay with this man and you will continue to sacrifice your own boundaries in order to accommodate his needs, wants and desires.

The writing here is on the wall.

Bluebellsbells · 10/12/2023 09:25

Forgiveness is a great quality, but forgiveness must be earned. If you forgive him over and over again but his actions never change, that's not forgiveness that's appeasement. He's treating you with contempt, he's treating you like a doormat.

As an earlier poster said 'would you treat the most important person in your life so carelessly?'. If he loved you as he claims he wouldn't be doing this.

converseandjeans · 10/12/2023 09:39

You need to get your own social life. Don't sit home waiting for a message from him.

Cherrysoup · 10/12/2023 10:01

Oh dear. He doesn’t respect or prioritise you and repeatedly does this. Saying he couldn’t get back in the pub that time is bullshit, he’s off with his mates who are clearly more fun than you, sorry. I don’t mean you’re boring, but listen to him when he ‘tells’ you what he prefers. Please tell me you don’t have dc with this idiot?

Americano75 · 10/12/2023 10:16

Been married to a man like this. It's miserable. Please think carefully about committing to him.

zingally · 10/12/2023 10:26

You've been together over a decade, engaged but not married - why? What's stopping you from making the step to marriage?

Reading between the lines, you don't trust him, and he's lost patience in tip-toeing around you.

It's time to draw a line under this relationship and move on.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 10:31

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

This is not a baseless fear.

It's grounded in reality.

You are the definition of sunk cost fallacy.

I would engage in pre wedding counselling (on your own) at the very minimum

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2023 10:33

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

If it's been this many years of work to get him to see your PoV and it hasn't worked and he can still be a complete arse about it, can you honestly say it's been worth it?

Cut your losses and find someone who respects you.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/12/2023 10:37

Don't you get it, OP, he left you in the pub deliberately, he walked away knowing you were inside waiting for him and made no attempt to text / get in touch. He's sending you very clear messages and you're just not paying attention. Whatever the reasons are, he's just not into you and he's constantly messing you around. Wake up and smell the coffee. Do not make plans to marry him. Dump him . He's not going to change. What's it going to take for you to understand this?

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 10:43

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 01:02

Also I guess that I was having a knee-jerk response to those opinions because they're the doubts about myself I was having to begin with - am I boring, controlling, unreasonable etc.

You are none of those things. Looking at your follow-up posts, you are incredibly reasonable and not at all controlling in any way.

Your partner is not going to change. He breaks his promises, has no self-control, he lies to you and also has past addiction issues (which I suspect might not be as ‘past’ as you think). He will never be reliable and he will never put your first. He is selfish. He is making you miserable.

Trust me, I have been there with a partner who ‘disappeared’ on a regular basis and repeatedly decided to go out drinking on the spur of the moment regardless of other plans. Do not marry this man. He isn’t a good person.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 10/12/2023 11:13

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

He will never change . He doesn’t want to
or need to . Like you said 10 years. He knows you will just put up with whatever he throws at you and he knows you won’t leave.

You need to show him different don't waste anymore years . Find someone who puts you first .

AhBiscuits · 10/12/2023 11:13

I don't think it's a sustainable situation that he can't go out without going over the top.

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