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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2023 22:00

He can't keep his word, you can't trust him and he won't change, not for you or any children you would have so they would end up permanently disappointed and begging for scraps of attention as well.

Userxyd · 09/12/2023 22:03

Get rid while you're still young and find someone who really wants to be with you. Hes a waste of your energy.

eardefender · 09/12/2023 22:04

He doesn’t make you feel happy, safe, loved, secure. What’s the point in marrying someone like that. You don’t share a life plan and values.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 22:05

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:59

Interesting that you said that because he only proposed last year, after 11 years together.

Have you agreed a date?

neilyoungismyhero · 09/12/2023 22:07

My ex husband was the same. Just popping down the pub for a quick half at 7.30 4/5 hours later he rolls back home having met a random mate. This happened time and time again. He was a selfish inconsiderate arse.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

OP posts:
Hellenika · 09/12/2023 22:08

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:59

Interesting that you said that because he only proposed last year, after 11 years together.

I really really wish I could see hope for you with this man because I am aware what we are all advising you is crashing down your life around your ears. This is a classic stringing along on his part. I hope you have a friend or family member you can call and perhaps go and stay with? I hope you are not looking at the possibility of starting over all on your own if you end it with him. It is painful, but I think it’s best for you. After 11yrs, he isn’t going to change, can you live with him being like this for another 50yrs? There is much better out there for you, from what you’ve said you would never do the things he has and is doing to you. ❤️

RedHelenB · 09/12/2023 22:12

I think yabu. Of course he should go to his work do, your anxieties have led to him lying to you in all probability. You're obviously not compatible so I would break up if I were you.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 22:13

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

Do you want this for the rest of your life?

Do you want children?

Katbum · 09/12/2023 22:15

someone who loves you will put you first. You are going to be his wife. You don’t leave your wife at home to go out on the piss with work mates…unless you are not a very deep person. Doesn’t sound like he’s a keeper

MammaTo · 09/12/2023 22:15

I think this is actually quite a nasty thing of him to do. He’s thought he can sweeten you up by doing all the festive things in the day and sneak out at the last minute.
If he’s had addiction issues and stays at friends after going out I’d probably say he’s still taking stuff and stays out till all hours and then crashes with someone. It’s all very disrespectful.

Abricot1993 · 09/12/2023 22:16

I don’t post on many threads but you need saving from your low self esteem. If you were my daughter I’d be doing everything I could to give you the confidence and courage to leave him. There is so much better out there and once you love yourself rather than following a man on his terms ( his home town, his nights out, his fun is his priority) you will thank all of us on here and count your blessings and your courage. Big hug

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 09/12/2023 22:17

Perhaps he's feeling suffocated by your expectations of him and needs to spend time away from you.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 22:17

He gives you crumbs op. Don't you deserve so much more?

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 22:18

How long have you lived in his hometown?

If it's more than a year, you really need to prioritise your own networking and friend making.

But that aside, I just wouldn't be with a bloke who's that flaky.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:19

Respectfully I really don't (or think I do) suffocate him. My expectations are fairly standard - love, honesty, kindness and respect.

OP posts:
Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:20

He already knew that he would go for his work party. He agreed to do things at home with you during the day to ‘appease’ you.

Did he make it back when he said he would? Did he communicate while he was out? How did the night end OP

WhateverMate · 09/12/2023 22:21

Mind you, I'm not sure this bit sounds healthy...

"just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day."

I've been with my husband nearly 23 years and I wouldn't give him priority all day, every day.

There are plenty of people who will be more of a priority for different reasons at different times, such as my family and friends.

Renamed · 09/12/2023 22:22

You made plans together. He got bored. He went out.

If this was a relative, you’d be miffed, but maybe think, ah the hell with them.

If this was a friend, you’d be offended and really consider whether you’d ever make plans with them again.

This is your partner, who’s just walked off and left you hanging, not because of a row or anything, just because he felt like it. And you’re heavily pregnant.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 22:23

Re-read what you've written about him in your first post and think about whether you would advise anyone to marry someone who treated them like that. He's really awful. It would be bad enough if you had children and therefore a reason to be at home but you don't - he's just left you at home on your own while he's gone out to play.

OhGoodie · 09/12/2023 22:23

People he “needs” to network with out of the blue… oh yeah, what’s her name?

FastBlueHedgehog · 09/12/2023 22:24

You don't sound very compatible OP and you sound like you don't trust him. How long have you lived in "his hometown"? My DH lives where I grew up in but he refers to it as his home and not "my wife's hometown". Your post seems to imply that you don't like him going out because you will be on your own as don't know anyone to go out with. Do you not like being on your own? I'd be bloody annoyed if I didn't know where my partner was though.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 22:24

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:08

Yes, venue and everything booked for next year.

Yet you still shouldn't marry him. The writing is on the wall. Ignore it at your own peril.

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:25

wher did she say she’s heavily pregnant?

Tonight1 · 09/12/2023 22:25

Rorymyers · 09/12/2023 22:25

wher did she say she’s heavily pregnant?

I was wondering that as well!