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Original poster

Fiancé has let me down again?

215 replies

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 21:39

So long story short -
My fiancé and I have been together since our early 20s (both in 30s now) and I feel like he prioritises the wrong things all the time. We live in his hometown and I don't know many people here so essentially wouldn't have someone to just meet up with at short notice (context will make sense further on).

I'm writing this now because he had an Xmas work party tonight and had said he wasn't going and we'd do our decorations, have a festive day/evening after watching Christmas movies with a few drinks, nice snacks etc. Backstory is that anytime he goes out he makes false promises about coming home on time, drops out of contact, and on occasions has not come home at all. This has caused major issues for me in the past and now I have a lot of anxiety around these sort of events/nights out.

We did the day as planned, watched a few movies, having a lovely time (or I thought wso at least) and then he just turned around and said that there's apparently there were people he needs to network with at this party. He literally left two minutes later, even though he had promised (because of past behaviour) that he wasn't going and it wasn't worth causing me the anxiety and hurt that it normally does. Could also see I was upset but didn't respond to anything I said about this.

This might not sound like a big deal but I take people's word/promises seriously and feel like he's really let me down and not taken my feelings into consideration at all. I'm also not a controlling or unreasonable person, just want to be treated with the same though and priority as I give him all day, every day.

Am I over reacting or just plain wrong to feel as hurt as I do?

Sorry for the essay, would love to hear an outside perspective on this.

OP posts:
EnidSpyton · 10/12/2023 00:13

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:04

That's one of my biggest fears, that I'll turn around after were married - 6 weeks, months or years down the line and think how was I so stupid and naive to believe that anything would change. I've already spent a decade trying to explain what feels, at times, like the basics of wrong and right and common decency...It's the sunk-cost that is the only thing that scares me more tbh

You’ve already wasted a decade of your life on this man.

Please have some self respect and leave before you allow yourself to waste any more of your precious time on this earth on a man who doesn’t give a shit about you.

I really cannot understand women like you who genuinely believe being miserable in a relationship is better than being alone.

If you want to spend the rest of your life feeling unloved, frustrated, lonely and disappointed then go ahead and marry him. You know exactly what you’re signing up for. What I can’t understand is why you think that’s a life that’s worth having.

It’s honestly like you’re living in the 1950s and can’t imagine a life without being shackled to a man, even if he treats you like a doormat. Utterly bizarre.

grumpycow1 · 10/12/2023 00:16

velvetstars · 09/12/2023 23:25

I despair.

You went on a night out with your DP & his friend. He left you on your own and went off with his mate, wouldn't take your calls/msgs and left you to make your own way home.

The fact you didn't leave him after this just blows my mind.

Have some self respect, you get one life and you're wasting it on someone who doesn't love you or respect you. Head back to your family and friends before xmas. Make plans with them and start the new year with a fresh slate. There is nothing for you where you are right now and 11yrs of this shows that there never will be.

This. I really hope you take all the advice OP and find happiness with someone who respects you. 💐

HamBone · 10/12/2023 00:20

I’m afraid I agree with PP’s, if you’re not happy now just before your wedding, it doesn’t bode well.

I would start making plans to leave, perhaps you could move closer to your family and friends. Get yourself out of this situation. 💐

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:20

I understand where you're coming from,and obviously can see why it would be hard to get why I do love and care for him. Obviously here I'm talking about the absolute worst of his behaviour (and no I don't think that all his great points excuse this, not in the slightest). I might seem like a very weak woman but I don't think being forgiving or trying to believe the best in someone is inherently a negative trait. Yes, absolutely I should have high standards and I actually do and try to communicate this in a healthy manner. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of leaving someone I truly love and have a lot of shared history with. I do thank you for your advice, honestly, just wanted to explain that I am not actually a doormat or someone who in no way respects themselves.

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 10/12/2023 00:29

One of the many things that made me leave ex was that I asked him if he would take care of me if I became ill. He said no.

You deserve better.

EnidSpyton · 10/12/2023 00:30

@TiredFiancée

There’s nothing wrong with believing the best in someone and forgiving them.

What is wrong is allowing someone to consistently show disrespectful and unloving behaviour towards you for a decade and still choosing to believe that they love and respect you.

Your fiancé does not give you the love and respect you give him. He never has. You are doing all the work in this relationship.

So now you need to show yourself some love and respect and walk away. You deserve better than a life spent constantly having to forgive someone else’s unacceptable behaviour.

SequentialAnalyst · 10/12/2023 00:31

I could have written what you just wrote OP. And I did keep forgiving him. And hoping he would step up and fulfil his potential. And any little progress had my heart lifting.

I was fooling myself. The man I thought I was in love with didn't exist - if I was, indeed, in love, which is questionable, it was with the man I thought he would become. But all he wanted was to cocklodge (so different from yours, but still unreliable and selfish). I also thought if I could be hurt by his actions, that I must be in love with himShock

After my divorce, I did meet a Lovely Man, and discovered what true love is, soppy as that may sound.

Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2023 00:31

After all of these years he isn’t changing, is he? He doesn’t want to. He tells you what you want to hear and does what he wants for no regard to your feelings.

You are not important to him. If you were he’d actually think about your feelings and show care for them.

dorriss · 10/12/2023 00:32

poster has not squandered her youth.she has options.he wanted to go out but stayed in with her and why the hell are they watching xmas movies ??...it all sounds so prescriptive and boring,.he wants a life and yes he is behaving badly but this is because he does not want the life with her. He has outgrown it and is cowardly.Leave

Tonight1 · 10/12/2023 00:32

Tonight1 · 10/12/2023 00:29

One of the many things that made me leave ex was that I asked him if he would take care of me if I became ill. He said no.

You deserve better.

Oops I meant that he said yes he would leave me if I became ill 😳

AloneAgain2023 · 10/12/2023 00:39

Abricot1993 · 09/12/2023 22:16

I don’t post on many threads but you need saving from your low self esteem. If you were my daughter I’d be doing everything I could to give you the confidence and courage to leave him. There is so much better out there and once you love yourself rather than following a man on his terms ( his home town, his nights out, his fun is his priority) you will thank all of us on here and count your blessings and your courage. Big hug

Very much this!! As someone who also has low self esteem, I say please don’t simply accept crumbs from someone who should love & treasure you. You deserve more than that. I beg you not to marry this man. I’ve recently got divorced from someone who for a few years had ‘one foot out of the door’, and the lack of trust and crumbling confidence has done a huge amount of damage to me. As hard as it is to upend your life, please make that change and leave. Work on yourself and gain some confidence and strength. 💐

@RedHelenB @howdoesyourgardengrowinmay I think the poster deserves a bit more empathy than your way of putting things! She clearly lacks confidence and is basically with a pretty shitty kind of guy who doesn’t consider her very much, however you dress it up.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 00:40

I appreciate all comments, advice and input but this is really reductive. Watching Xmas movies is something we do after putting up decorations every year, might sound boring but also isn't exactly something we do every weekend. There's a bit more nuance to this than just "she's boring, let the man have a life". Also if he's "outgrown" this (ironic) then that should have been communicated or possibly even been a deterrent to the proposal last year.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/12/2023 00:45

Sometimes though the worst of their behaviour is not acceptable to have to put up with and forgive over and over again. I stayed with my ex for way longer than I should have because I endured his unacceptable bad behaviour because I loved him.

I've since learned that it's actually ok to end a relationship with someone you love.

Sometimes love just ain't enough....🎼🎤

SequentialAnalyst · 10/12/2023 00:45

@dorriss the thread is not about what you think is boring to do in the evening.

Your post does imply that OP's fiance should leave, though, and is too cowardly to do so. In that, I would agree with you - but I expect the fiance also thinks that it's quite handy to have a woman supporting him in the background...

Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2023 00:53

Stop concentrating on the few posters who are calling you boring or similar. The overwhelming majority are telling you that he’s not worth your time.

Why are you listening to the very tiny minority rather than the vast majority?

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 01:00

I am absolutely listening to the majority and taking it all on board - I wasn't expecting such an overwhelming response to this post so I'm just taking it all in and trying to absorb the advice I've been given and trying to reconcile it with everything I had already been feeling. As for responding to the minority, I suppose that's a case of addressing less complex issues, or low hanging fruit.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 01:02

Also I guess that I was having a knee-jerk response to those opinions because they're the doubts about myself I was having to begin with - am I boring, controlling, unreasonable etc.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 10/12/2023 01:14

most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all

He is behaving like a single man, and should therefore remain single. This relationship will not work. Do not marry him or have children with him.

Original poster
TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 02:38

Not home and no word on when that will be, or any communication at all tbh. Will update when/if he shows up. Mind you he said it would be an hour/two tops (which would have meant about 11.30) because of the "networking" or whatever. Again, I understand that a night can go long or you don't keep track of time but I would always sens a text or two to just check in so he knows the story.

OP posts:
hazeleyednerd · 10/12/2023 03:19

TiredFiancée · 10/12/2023 02:38

Not home and no word on when that will be, or any communication at all tbh. Will update when/if he shows up. Mind you he said it would be an hour/two tops (which would have meant about 11.30) because of the "networking" or whatever. Again, I understand that a night can go long or you don't keep track of time but I would always sens a text or two to just check in so he knows the story.

Here's the thing. Many of us have been where you are. I was married to someone very much like this.
Love is not enough on its own. You've been together a hefty amount of time. If he was going to change he would have done it by now.

Think about how he's treating you tonight. THIS is your future. Every single time. Is this what you really want? You can love someone with everything you have, but it's not enough. He doesn't respect your boundaries. Hell, he doesn't even care when he's out with you, let alone when he's not.

whatausername · 10/12/2023 04:43

Move on already. He's shown you who he is.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 10/12/2023 04:59

Sounds like he was on a promise. I think the engagement is his way of keeping you sweet.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 05:24

TiredFiancée · 09/12/2023 22:42

I'll try to keep the backstory short and simple- most nights (with work, friends, whatever) have resulted in either not coming home, not contacting me at all (I don't expect a play by play but a text or two to let me know what time he'll be home or whatever would be appreciated). I've communicated this very clearly. Most recently we were both on a night out with his friend and they apparently couldn't get back into the pub. Which is fine, I'd have met them outside, but he never contacted me and I had to just make my own way home when I realised they weren't coming back. So yeah, there you go!

What was the reason he gave for not being able to get back into the pub? What was his explanation as to why he didn't text you to tell you he was leaving? Did he leave you in the pub on your own?

I was in a relationship once where he would do disappearing acts or would come home in the middle of the night. It was largely related to drinking, and made me really anxious. And he knew this but still did it. It's a horrible way to live.

He also dropped you at the last minute tonight, breaking his promise. Does he have an addiction problem or something? Or does he just lack respect and caring for you? I'm really interested to know what your relationship is like otherwise? Why are you together?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2023 05:56

Just wanted to say that you deserve better. Cannot believe that he left you in a pub to make your own way home and was not even concerned for your safety and how you would get home. Why did he not ring you to come out. That in itself would have been enough for me to have left as he sounds selfish and him and his friend up to no good, probably off to a party or to do drugs.
I think he was either meeting up with friends for drinking/drugs or to meet someone.
Please do not waste your life on him as you will so regret it. Now you are in the situation it seems hard to think clearly but if you just got away for a few days it would help. Can you go home to your folks for a few days to think things through and talk to your mum or friends.
Imagine if you had a baby and he was out all night and the nights out would become more frequent for him as having a small baby puts a lot of stress on even the most solid of relationships.
You mentioned that you have been with him so long but that is not a reason to stay. Believe me time on your own for a while, build up your confidence and you will realize how relaxed you are and your spirits will lift.
Life is too short to be with someone who does not respect you enough to make sure you get home safely and he just disappears with a friend.
Look after yourself and put yourself first and love yourself more as he will not change but will get worse.

RedHelenB · 10/12/2023 06:26

AloneAgain2023 · 10/12/2023 00:39

Very much this!! As someone who also has low self esteem, I say please don’t simply accept crumbs from someone who should love & treasure you. You deserve more than that. I beg you not to marry this man. I’ve recently got divorced from someone who for a few years had ‘one foot out of the door’, and the lack of trust and crumbling confidence has done a huge amount of damage to me. As hard as it is to upend your life, please make that change and leave. Work on yourself and gain some confidence and strength. 💐

@RedHelenB @howdoesyourgardengrowinmay I think the poster deserves a bit more empathy than your way of putting things! She clearly lacks confidence and is basically with a pretty shitty kind of guy who doesn’t consider her very much, however you dress it up.

Show quote history

Lack of confidence needs to be worked on but ultimately OP needs to decide if her dose love of socialising is a deal breaker.