To not understand this trend of men waiting until middle age to commit

[Ageingisaprivilegedeniedtomany]

I've seen on here a few times and irl that early 30s is apparently too young for men to settle down these days and most don't contemplate it until nearer 40?
I just don't understand tbh, 30 is relatively young but they're not 21 year olds.
I'm 32 and recently left a 29 year old who wouldn't commit. My Mum keeps telling me I need someone a lot older, but tbh I don't want anyone significantly older.
Also hearing that most men are ambivalent about having children and do it to keep their partners happy.
Just feel a bit fed up tbh. Obviously it's a massive generalisation but I just don't get it and hope it isn't entirely true

My experience of watching my young adult sons and their relationships is that men fall more quickly and more heavily than women. They commit very quickly, that might not mean house and children, but they are committed to the relationship, often to the exclusion of all else, which is not a good thing IMO as their mother.

Friends who have slightly older sons are shopping for mother of the groom outfits by the time their sons are in their late 20s/early 30s so it's not something I'm seeing.

I think people, men and women,are less likely to get married/settle just because they're at an age society says they should, but I think they do for the right person.

My partner was ambivalent about children and him and his ex got pregnant accidentally when he was 30. Didn’t stop him from worshipping his daughter. To be fair, most women I know were ambivalent about having children too but are great mums. I think it is not as horrible of an emotion as MN makes it out to be.

I knownits an old fashioned view but I do think the old thing about not giving too much away too soon makes some sense. If they've essentially got a wife or all practical purposes without committing, why would they feel the need?

Yeah I know what you mean.

I do agree though that most men are ambivalent to children and some do only have them to make their partner happy. Thought this was common knowledge.

Most of the people I know of both sexes have been in their late thirties - mid forties before children. I think it’s understandable: for a lot of people, it’s only once they hit their thirties that they’ve achieved some career success, got decent money to enjoy life with, built a good solid friendship group etc. Lumping yourself with children before you’ve enjoyed that properly seems daft.

The average age for a man to marry the first time is 33 (it’s 38 overall but that’s driven up by second marriages). Average age of a first time father is also 33.

So I don’t think so, but I do think housing being so expensive has pushed it up.

There are a lot of women like this too now in fairness. I think it got drummed into 80s/90s born girls that we should be career gals first 😬

Seems like the more the years ago on the younger people think they really are rather than actually growing up 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Sure get your career going or on the path but everyone leaving everything to a minimum of mid to late 30’s isn’t good biologically and no because anyone jumps in not calling for 14/15 year old girls to be pregnant but there is a middle ground.

Im early 30s and luckily had my DC. Thank for every day for meeting DH who was happy to commit and have DC.

lots and lots of our friends inc both our siblings are planning to wait until late 30s or 40 to marry or have children or both. And I’m so glad that isn’t me!!

We left getting married and having children (very soon after) until our late 30s for all the reasons listed above, though we'd been living together for six years before that.

Same!

Each to their own though. OP there will be many men out there who are on the same timeline as you. Just sooooo annoying having to find them!!

So many people over look the risks of leaving trying for babies in later age. The risk of declining fertility, or finding out your fertility is lacking or nonexistent the waiting lists for nhs help if you don’t pay alone after having to try for years. Add in the additional tho still low but added risks of more complications or possible additional needs which would still impact your career and future earnings and life just so you can say you hit some point in your life first.

Honestly I think deep down the vast majority of men are extremely ambivalent about having children and terrified of the baggage it brings to their lives.

In most cases it’s pressure from women which prompts them to settle down, it’s rarely organic.

Because from their perspective there’s no deadline: they have a good 20 additional years of fertility. If I could have put that off another ten years without it impacting my fertility I would have done the same.

I think both sexes are putting it off. None of my close friends got married before 36. My husband is younger and he was the one pushing for marriage and babies.

Leaving it until your mid 40s to have your first child is insane. It's highly likely you won't be able to.

Possibly but left to their own devices I think a lot of men wouldn’t bother having kids at all. It’s women who make it happen.

In my experience it isn’t age that is a factor for men or women, DH & I are both in our 20’s, of our friend group (same age as us) there are 2 couples already with children and we are currently expecting, there are 3 engaged couples all with weddings booked for either next year or the year after and then we are already married. There’s also a few single men/women, some who are actively looking for a relationship currently, some which aren’t and are happy single until they stumble upon “the one”. So I don’t think it’s particularly age putting people off settling down? Circumstances maybe, but in my experience not age x

My husband was not as keen on the idea of hypothetical children as I was. He was happy to have children but I don't think he would have been as devastated as me had we been infertile, for instance.

However, he's every bit as keen on our actual children as I am.

I suspect that might be fairly common.

I'm interested in a man who's 30 ATM, nothing happened and not told him how I feel, but I'm already worried it'll be a non starter because he'll be 'too young ' to commit :(

I don’t think women especially will purposely wait until their 40s to have a baby, their life might just end up that way. Not everyone meets a suitable partner in their 30s, unfortunately (I’m in my mid-30s dating and it is HARD).

This is cover station for you to have to him as early as possible. We discussed these things literally on our first date (we unanimously decided marriage wasn’t for us and that we want to keep finances separately and that we hypothetically wanted to have children as long as it was happening in the next few years. If it took longer than a couple of years, we agreed that we would feel too old by that point and that we would not go down the assisted conception route). It is actually very refreshing to set these things from the start and know exactly where we are in terms of our views on the “big things”.

I do think a lot of men will try and sleep with younger women for as long as possible

I don’t think this is necessarily true. I know several men who were in settled relationships by their mid-20s, with marriage on the horizon, and clear that they were keen to have children, on their own account, not just because their girlfriends wanted it. I actually dated a man in my late teens (he was the same age) who talked sometimes about his future children and grandchildren. I thought he was insane, since that wasn’t yet on my radar at all. It depends on the man IMO.

Maybe it would help to refuse to sleep with them before marriage

I think if you’re already thinking about huge commitments before you’re even actually with this person then it’s likely you’re going to give off those vibes from day 1 which could well push him the other way. To put myself in his position, if I was single again now and dating someone new who was immediately bringing up marriage and kids I would see that as a red flag, massive rush and my friends would be first in to say thats love bombing etc! I think it is a difficult one because I do think it’s normal & sensible to spend a couple of years with someone before you start thinking marriage and babies because you need to really know the person inside and out, but there is always the risk that you could do that and then they change their mind. I think you need to really know someone before you can be ready to “commit”, which does take time and can’t be rushed x