To not understand this trend of men waiting until middle age to commit

[Ageingisaprivilegedeniedtomany]

I've seen on here a few times and irl that early 30s is apparently too young for men to settle down these days and most don't contemplate it until nearer 40?
I just don't understand tbh, 30 is relatively young but they're not 21 year olds.
I'm 32 and recently left a 29 year old who wouldn't commit. My Mum keeps telling me I need someone a lot older, but tbh I don't want anyone significantly older.
Also hearing that most men are ambivalent about having children and do it to keep their partners happy.
Just feel a bit fed up tbh. Obviously it's a massive generalisation but I just don't get it and hope it isn't entirely true

Well that's the thing, I do get people saying you need to have these important conversations on day 1, on the other hand I am scared of pushing them away, however this man knows I split up with my partner because of no commitment, so in a way he'll probably know without me dating anything, whether that's a good thing or not I don't know. But I'll try to not give off desperate vibes lol

So many people over look the risks of leaving trying for babies in later age.

Some people also overlook the divorce/separation rates. Women get frozen out of the job market because of childcare costs etc. then find themselves in financial hardship when things fall apart.

Better to wait until careers are established and personalities have settled on both sides. For most of the people I know, that was early-mid 30s, rather than late, but we're all in our 40s now and the world has moved on!

More people want more things these days. Material things, experiences and opportunities that might not have been open to previous generations. I think for some people vague ideas of children solidify into plans once the ennui sets in and goals have been met. For women, that's often driven by their biological clock.

You don’t need to sound desperate though. It’s just a matter of talking about general plans and values. You are not asking him if he wants to marry you. You ask him what he is looking for in a relationship and let the conversation develop naturally.

That's certainly how my brother was. He was in no hurry to marry his long-term girlfriend until she made it clear that she'd need to look elsewhere because she wanted children.

He was early 40s. He adores his dcs though. He's not all bad.

Interesting discussion. I've always been a single man and I'm pushing 53. I wonder if I'm now too OLD to commit ? I suppose it is possible but I've yet to have the opportunity to find out.

I think there’s a limit as to have useful these conversations are when had on day 1.

There are some instances where it’s very useful, for example where one or both of you has very strong feelings on marriage or kids in general, like DH & I have one friend who has always said they are against marriage, they will never get married, have no interest in it and hate even the idea, so they could tell you that on day 1. I have another friend who has always said they never want kids, so again, that’s information they could tell you on day 1.

BUT there’s a massive range of other circumstances where what they say on day 1 really means nothing. I’ve always known I wanted to get married and I’ve always known I wanted children, anybody who asked me would have been told that. But there’s a big difference between “yes I want to get married/have kids” and “yes I want to get married to you and have kids with you”. The former you can absolutely give a yes or no on the first date, the second you simply can’t. You don’t know someone well enough on day 1 to know if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them, and you certainly don’t know them well enough on day 1 to know if you want them to be the father of your children. You could ask him on day 1 if he see’s marriage/kids in his future and he could day yes truthfully, but that doesn’t mean or guarantee it will be with you, or in a timeframe you’re happy with.

As long as they have a regular supply of sex many men aren't too bothered about getting married, or having kids. I don't think that has changed at all really, it's just that years ago realistically they had to marry for sex.

They do it simply because plenty of women let them these days, if they can get a woman in their league without that commitment then why wouldn’t they? If they are very much in love then they will consider as don’t want to lose her but generally younger men much more promiscuous

My DH is a bit older than me, met him when he was 30. Totally not ready for marriage, mortgage, kids etc. But neither was I, so we started something off. He was very committed to me and our life together, just not the "big" words. In the last 15 years we've done it all. Big holidays, mad cars, big nights out, chilled time together. Marriage came. Got a dog. Started to settle down. We bought a house. Baby arrived. We also sorted our careers out and got into a good place for all the responsibility we now have.

On the flip side, my sister met her DH when he was 23/24 (I think). They talked about moving in together, buying houses, having babies almost straight away. There's a bit of a difference between me and her too (she's younger) but they got engaged within a year of us, bought their house first etc.

So despite my DH probably fitting the description you have OP, at 30 anyway, I think it's personality and circumstance rather than age.

🙄absolute bollocks
met DP when I was 32, he was 31, was living together within 6 months, he proposed within a year, I was pregnant within 2.5 years of meeting, not by accident. Haven’t sorted the wedding yet because COVID, then pregnancy, then the actual baby, I haven’t had the time and mental space. We gave notice recently tho so need to get cracking.

there are men out there who want commitment but they are hard to find. And they want it with the right person, as it should be. Online dating means there’s gazillion options (DP and I met online and I certainly felt the gazillion effect, so many men! Also So many bad men!). So the ones who would be more likely to future fake, string you along and/or make your life hell are fewer as they just keep playing. Delaying until later is a thing that is happening to both sexes tho.

I suspect house prices are part of it and wanting to be established in a career, along with more men being aware what it takes to be a decent father beyond conception.

The idea of have a baby in your mid 20s, then spend the rest of your adult life working, going to the gym/pub either side of the working day, then going to the footie or playing golf all weekend isn't the sort of father women are going to want for their children. It's also not the type of father many men want to be, so by delaying settling down and having children they can enjoy adulthood before finding their weekends are taken up with kids.

I'm much more concerned about men who love bomb and have babies with their latest girlfriend (especially blended family situations) to prove they're in love than I am men taking it slower and waiting until they're in a place to step up.

Ignore the post you were responding to. Some people struggle to see the difference between dating with intent (ie. looking for a potential husband and father to DC) and sitting down and telling Dave, 35, from tinder that you want to have his babies over the first pint.

I am afraid you will need to date older- your mum is right. Not 55 year old men, but I would set your brackets to 36+ and then your matches will be out of their stater relationship with Miss Right Now and hopefully a bit more aware of what they want.

“FatFatMary · Today 20:11

Maybe it would help to refuse to sleep with them before marriage”

showed this to DP who said “in this day and age? That would be weird. I’d have thought you were a Christian fundamentalist and would’ve run a mile”

My experience with my 2 year old toddler and baby is that it is extremely full on and very physical. For both me and my DH who are early 30’s. My DSis’s partner is in his early 40’s and she’s younger than me. He keeps telling her he’s not ready for kids but to me he looks and acts like an old man already. Not entirely sure what he (or any of these other men not ready in their 30’s) are waiting for. Late 20’s/early 30’s are the norm in my circle.

But then, if they were crap in bed, you'd be stuck with them.

Think I'd known dh about 4 hours before I slept with him. Been together over 20 years now. Still not entirely sure how that happened.

I know loads of couples where the man is desperate for children and the woman doesn't want them, or wants them later but won't commit.

I think it's just people - some are happy to be parents at 21, some still feel 'too young for kids' at 40. Nothing to do with gender

I would say for men it's better to have them around 28-38 or never. Possibly younger hut it's a bit of a shame for anyone of nothing sexes to have them too young before they've had a chance to live carefree for a while. For women they can have children up to about 44 if they're able so slightly later than men, because they live longer. Men having children after their 40s is insane, they generally age quickly and suffer from less energy later on life, not to.mention generally life shorter.
You'll hear of a lot of naive young women between 22-30 having children with men in their 40s and being surprised their children have additional needs. Well duh, do you really think they produce healthy children their whole life?

Yeah - men's sperm quality is terrible after 40, there's loads of evidence it causes way more genetic diseases in babies. And you're three times more likely to miscarry if your partner is aged 40 or above.

It's really bizarre this narrative that men can wait longer to have kids - their fertility declines same as women as they age

I married DH when we were both late 20s, but we'd been together 8 years. I'd made it clear early on I wanted marriage and kids one day so he knew it would have to he on his radar! I think a lot of people grow up more slowly now and that's the problem, at 30 they still feel like teenagers so don't want a scary grown up commitment

If a man in his 30s says he is not ready for a serious relationship, the 'with YOU' is silent.

I do agree though that most men are ambivalent to children and some do only have them to make their partner happy. Thought this was common knowledge.

This is interesting. I've had friends where the man is very insistent on having another child later on - at an age when the woman already feels she's done... So may be it does take longer for them to really want children?

I think this is true. Men just aren't that interested in children.

It used to be that sex was rarely available unless a man was willing to commit to marriage and children. Like it or not that will have been a powerful motivation to commit. Frankly, I would imagine men were desperate to get married as soon as possible.

The last 65 years have put women at a big disadvantage IMHO.

^This

That’s the thing, it’s just become the norm now and very difficult to turn back the clock

Maybe it's because life is so bloody expensive now... I mean, i think people shouldn't let it stop them unless they are really struggling, but I can imagine some people not committing until they're well into a career now. And a lot of men are still hung up on the idea that they must be The Provider.