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Original poster

To not understand this trend of men waiting until middle age to commit

274 replies

Ageingisaprivilegedeniedtomany · 09/12/2023 18:23

I've seen on here a few times and irl that early 30s is apparently too young for men to settle down these days and most don't contemplate it until nearer 40?
I just don't understand tbh, 30 is relatively young but they're not 21 year olds.
I'm 32 and recently left a 29 year old who wouldn't commit. My Mum keeps telling me I need someone a lot older, but tbh I don't want anyone significantly older.
Also hearing that most men are ambivalent about having children and do it to keep their partners happy.
Just feel a bit fed up tbh. Obviously it's a massive generalisation but I just don't get it and hope it isn't entirely true

OP posts:
GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 09/12/2023 21:14

Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2023 20:12

I think if you’re already thinking about huge commitments before you’re even actually with this person then it’s likely you’re going to give off those vibes from day 1 which could well push him the other way. To put myself in his position, if I was single again now and dating someone new who was immediately bringing up marriage and kids I would see that as a red flag, massive rush and my friends would be first in to say thats love bombing etc! I think it is a difficult one because I do think it’s normal & sensible to spend a couple of years with someone before you start thinking marriage and babies because you need to really know the person inside and out, but there is always the risk that you could do that and then they change their mind. I think you need to really know someone before you can be ready to “commit”, which does take time and can’t be rushed x

It can be kept vague. Mention a niece and see if he enthusiastically monologues about how much he loves kids and can't wait to have his own. Or not.

I think many men on a first date will say loud and clear that they don't want commitment and DCs and some women just hear what they want to hear.

Having said all that if hearing about hopes of marriage on date 1 puts a man off is he really looking for commitment?

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 09/12/2023 21:18

Well I’m mid 40s and online dating. A lot of the men in my age range 40-50 haven’t got children but are open to having them (on their profile at least). I was quite surprise when I first saw all the profiles. I’ve got 3 teenagers so was hoping for someone with adult children or at least with children the same age as mine.

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 21:19

I would happily wait until I was 40 if not the biological clock ticking for women.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 09/12/2023 21:21

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 21:10

That’s the thing, it’s just become the norm now and very difficult to turn back the clock

Show quote history

Thanks to the internet women could organize.

From midnight on Jan 1st no more sex without marriage (and commitment to children).

I'm not 100pc joking, I honestly think it would change the power dynamic 180 degrees overnight.

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 21:26

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 09/12/2023 21:21

Thanks to the internet women could organize.

From midnight on Jan 1st no more sex without marriage (and commitment to children).

I'm not 100pc joking, I honestly think it would change the power dynamic 180 degrees overnight.

Show quote history

Goodness, I'd become hugely popular, being childfree and not wanting marriage.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 09/12/2023 21:28

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 21:26

Goodness, I'd become hugely popular, being childfree and not wanting marriage.

Show quote history

Sorry, you have to join in. It only works if everyone does it!

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/12/2023 21:28

My DH was desperate to be a father, I’m glad I had DC but it wasn’t a must for me and I’m glad I didn’t do it before 35.

Men who want marriage and kids are definitely out there.

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 21:29

Echobelly · 09/12/2023 21:11

Maybe it's because life is so bloody expensive now... I mean, i think people shouldn't let it stop them unless they are really struggling, but I can imagine some people not committing until they're well into a career now. And a lot of men are still hung up on the idea that they must be The Provider.

When I look at adult DS and friends but even before then when I was younger, I don’t think its even that, seems fairly common now to want to road test a relationship for some years, have kids etc before the guy will even consider marriage. The young ones don’t like the idea of committing to being stuck with one girl for life when they still get everything a marriage gives them without that commitment. If a guy is completely besotted with a girl or religious or can imagine aristocratic and still norm to get married then yes but otherwise is unusual

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 21:32

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 09/12/2023 21:28

Sorry, you have to join in. It only works if everyone does it!

Show quote history

Why would I do that?

if anyone, man or woman, doesn't want to commit till later, or never, that's their choice. I get sick of being called a commitment phobe.

neither sex is a homogenous group wanting the same things.

OP I hope you find what you're looking for but no point being angry at this. Also, cost of living, living longer etc etc

SirVixofVixHall · 09/12/2023 21:33

Crushed23 · 09/12/2023 20:04

I don’t think women especially will purposely wait until their 40s to have a baby, their life might just end up that way. Not everyone meets a suitable partner in their 30s, unfortunately (I’m in my mid-30s dating and it is HARD).

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I agree. I had my children in my forties but that definitely wasn’t my choice.

StopWithYourNonsense · 09/12/2023 21:34

Wahtnow · 09/12/2023 18:30

I knownits an old fashioned view but I do think the old thing about not giving too much away too soon makes some sense. If they've essentially got a wife or all practical purposes without committing, why would they feel the need?

I know a man who shares that view, and I don't blame him at all

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 21:38

Ageingisaprivilegedeniedtomany · 09/12/2023 20:16

Well that's the thing, I do get people saying you need to have these important conversations on day 1, on the other hand I am scared of pushing them away, however this man knows I split up with my partner because of no commitment, so in a way he'll probably know without me dating anything, whether that's a good thing or not I don't know. But I'll try to not give off desperate vibes lol

No you don’t have those conversations on day 1 🤣

Clar45 · 09/12/2023 21:41

SirVixofVixHall · 09/12/2023 21:33

I agree. I had my children in my forties but that definitely wasn’t my choice.

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Apparently the primary reason women wait so long to have children now is primarily for a lack of suitable partner and not at all due to career etc as is assumed

Sallybegood · 09/12/2023 21:52

I know men in their 20s, 30s and 40s, and I really don’t recognise what’s being described here. Most of the men I know wanted to marry and have kids. If not by the time they were 30, then definitely by the time they were 40.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 09/12/2023 22:02

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 21:26

Goodness, I'd become hugely popular, being childfree and not wanting marriage.

Show quote history

Me too - what fun we could have!! 😂

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 22:09

I don’t want a man that is only marrying me because he really really REALLY wants to fuck me and I kept my legs crossed during ‘courtship’

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/12/2023 22:11

Ageingisaprivilegedeniedtomany · 09/12/2023 18:23

I've seen on here a few times and irl that early 30s is apparently too young for men to settle down these days and most don't contemplate it until nearer 40?
I just don't understand tbh, 30 is relatively young but they're not 21 year olds.
I'm 32 and recently left a 29 year old who wouldn't commit. My Mum keeps telling me I need someone a lot older, but tbh I don't want anyone significantly older.
Also hearing that most men are ambivalent about having children and do it to keep their partners happy.
Just feel a bit fed up tbh. Obviously it's a massive generalisation but I just don't get it and hope it isn't entirely true

Bad advice from your mum - they are either commitment and relationship types or they're not. For the love of god don't now go for a 40-45 year old who's never been married or lived with a woman but decides he's ready now - he'll be incredibly emotionally immature (speaking from experience!) you'd have more luck with a 27 year old who is a family oriented relationship guy (my friend who is nearly 40 has just married and is pregnant with one of these). Most nice guys who want a family start to want to get serious in their late 20s. Maybe your ex just didn't see that future with you. Or maybe he knows he can coast until he's 40 as there are always a
Lot of intelligent professional pretty single women in their 30s in any city

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/12/2023 22:11

Ps there are many men who are dying to be dads

Diaria · 09/12/2023 22:11

DH would not have been DH early 30s if I hadn’t had gynae issues… mind neither would I have been DW late 20s!

Babies was motivated by my need and medical situation, he adores them obviously but he wasn’t the instigator.

He would definitely have been a late 30s person before the settling down gene kicked in, if ever… and to be honest I hope for the same for our DS to travel and develop his career, enjoy youth before being tied down. Though for DD I would hope a bit younger.

I think it’s just the way it is now.

SemperIdem · 09/12/2023 22:12

My child’s dad is significantly older than me, he was mid 40’s when she was born.

The notable thing is that he is by no means an outlier age wise at the school gates amongst the dad’s and a lot of the mums are closer in age to him than they are to me. So I think it is accurate to say that people have left it longer, specifically Gen X at the moment but Millenial’s may well be following suit.

SarahDarah · 09/12/2023 22:16

Men are logical creatures and the answer is completely straightforward: why commit when women nowadays very foolishly give men everything without commitment??

Sex has been decoupled from babies and the commitment of marriage. On top of that, due to the collapse of moral values and decline in Christianity which was the religion that built Western traditional values, men in recent western societies are strongly ushered to live selfish, pleasure based lifestyles regardless of the consequences on others i.e. indulging in Pornography, casual sex outside marriage, and delaying adulting and responsibility as long as possible. It encourages men to shun sacrifice for the good of others but the willingness to sacrifice pleasure for authentic love is essential for a man to desire and to maintain a happy marriage and kids.

Women have only themselves to blame for letting men have their way like this. If women stopped having sex with men before marriage and made clear sex and other perks of a long term relationship will only happen afterwards, men will shape up dramatically quickly to meet the standards of women.

3WildOnes · 09/12/2023 22:19

Almost all of my friendship group met their husbsnds/wives whilst at uni or soon after. Almost all were married between 28 and 35.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/12/2023 22:21

SarahDarah · 09/12/2023 22:16

Men are logical creatures and the answer is completely straightforward: why commit when women nowadays very foolishly give men everything without commitment??

Sex has been decoupled from babies and the commitment of marriage. On top of that, due to the collapse of moral values and decline in Christianity which was the religion that built Western traditional values, men in recent western societies are strongly ushered to live selfish, pleasure based lifestyles regardless of the consequences on others i.e. indulging in Pornography, casual sex outside marriage, and delaying adulting and responsibility as long as possible. It encourages men to shun sacrifice for the good of others but the willingness to sacrifice pleasure for authentic love is essential for a man to desire and to maintain a happy marriage and kids.

Women have only themselves to blame for letting men have their way like this. If women stopped having sex with men before marriage and made clear sex and other perks of a long term relationship will only happen afterwards, men will shape up dramatically quickly to meet the standards of women.

That’s right, blame women for the behaviour of some men.

Maybe those men would change their behaviour if society actually held them accountable for their actions.

SemperIdem · 09/12/2023 22:24

Gosh, who invited the Trad Wife?

ActDottie · 09/12/2023 22:25

Definitely not my experience. Most married couples I know are getting married or got married in their late 20s or early 30s