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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 09/12/2023 18:27

Well the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree with that boy. LTB and when I say leave I mean tell him he (and his son) are leaving your home.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/12/2023 18:28

Sorry OP, this is awful. The dirty stuff/pants on floor/mess is not surprising, my solution was to rarely enter the room. Threw a bin bag in once a month and laundry bag with clean sheets. The violence is something else completely and you can't have this around your dc or you. Is he smoking skunk? No excuse but it can effect huge character problems. He's obviously angry, hurt, whatever but he needs a referral to CAMHS and visit GP. Can he stay with his mum for a while? What is your DP #aying, he needs to apply support now to his child and family before worse happens.

cheddercherry · 09/12/2023 18:31

He’s assaulted you and still you’ve let him and his dad stay?! Nah, they’d both be out and the police would have been rung immediately. Totally not normal teenage behaviour.

DoesNotPlayWellWithIdiots · 09/12/2023 18:31

Completely unacceptable behaviour from both of them. I think that boy needs to go and live elsewhere immediately and DP needs to rectify the damage to your house before also going to live elsewhere. You shouldn't feel scared in your own home.

IHaveAskedYouThriceNow · 09/12/2023 18:36

Kick them out.
Life is too short to put up with this shit, and it will be heavily affecting your own dc.

On one level I think your SS needs help, but that’s not your problem. Your priority is your dc. Protect them by making your partner (who sounds like a dick) and his son move out pronto.

Just want to say again - your children will be damaged by living in this environment. You need to put their needs first.

REP22 · 09/12/2023 18:37

I'm so sorry. You have to get them out. There are no consequences for this boy's behaviour. You are living in fear in your own home. And there is a very real possibility that he will kill you.

Your 10 and 11 year olds should not have to live with this. Please end it as soon as possible.

Best wishes to you. Stay safe.

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/12/2023 18:41

This is not normal teenage behavior. You need to file a report about your assault. What happens next if he goes after your children? They both need to be removed. Today.

GabriellaMontez · 09/12/2023 18:43

You allow them to remain in the same house as your son and daughter? Why?

Harvestfestivalknickers · 09/12/2023 18:43

Your house, your rules. If you can't feel safe in your own house where can you feel safe. Both DP and SS need to show you some respect.

blettedmedlar · 09/12/2023 18:44

They ought to have been kicked out so fast their feet didn't touch the ground. Your poor children, seeing their mother assaulted and abused like that.

Rugbee · 09/12/2023 18:44

get rid of them both. How are you allowing your own kids to grow up in that environment?

Keeva2017 · 09/12/2023 18:46

Your not so dear dp is deflecting because it’s easier to gas light you than it is to address his sons god awful behaviour.

Your children do not deserve to be exposed to this, they deserve a home that free from violence. Kick them both out tonight.

Aliceinunderland · 09/12/2023 18:49

He broke your fingers OP. He certainly won't care about damaging your house or property. He may well need help but your partner sounds ridiculous and not ready to accept the truth about his son. As other posters have said, your children are growing up witnessing domestic abuse and could become a target themselves.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 09/12/2023 18:49

Why do you put up with this? Your poor children.

It's not right and your DP is appalling expecting you to be ok with violence in your home.

Disgraceful. They need to go.

Chipsahoyagain · 09/12/2023 18:51

Rugbee · 09/12/2023 18:44

get rid of them both. How are you allowing your own kids to grow up in that environment?

This!! Typical putting a man first before the kids. No excuse/reason whatsoever could justify this. Do better, parent better! You are putting your kids through this when they didn't ask for it.

Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 18:52

Oh my word! I'm so sorry for you.

They both have to go, you know that.

10HailMarys · 09/12/2023 18:52

Never mind the state of his bedroom. He’s trashed your home and violently assaulted you a number of times. He is a danger to you and your children. The fact that his father is saying his son’s behaviour is normal is a massive red flag. Your partner doesn’t respect you at all. No wonder his son’s behaviour is so appalling. You need to get your husband and his son out of your lives.

Luxell934 · 09/12/2023 18:54

Sorry couldn’t get over your post where you claim he has punched you, has broken your fingers and physically attacked you…..but you seem more worried about his messy room. And then the laughing emojis at the end of the post…..

no words.

2jacqi · 09/12/2023 18:54

@Mum2bambinos you and your children should not be living like this! you partner needs to get a grip of his son and tell him to shape up or ship out! what did your partner say regarding the assaults? If he is no help then you need to get rid of the pair of them, sorry!! your house, your rules!

Octavia64 · 09/12/2023 18:54

Your step son needs help.

However, he should be away from your children - if there is violence it will be scaring them.

I'd suggest that you sit down with your DP and have a conversation about how your kids aren't ok with this and that you want them to be safe and talk through what arrangements can be made so that your DP and his son live separately at least temporarily.

Sometimes this kind of behaviour is triggered due to a traumatic event - so the son might have been a victim of violence himself or something similar. However, your DP needs to get the help the son needs not you.

Mrgrinch · 09/12/2023 18:55

Your children are witnessing this behaviour.

You've been physically assaulted in your own home and your DP doesn't give a shit.

Do you want them to grow up thinking that's normal? You need to get both of them out of your house, for the sake of your children.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/12/2023 18:55

The one positive thing about your post is that he is DP and not DH, so much easier to chuck them both out

Fallenangelofthenorth · 09/12/2023 18:56

You need to get the pair of them out immediately. Your poor sons should not be living like this. How do you think they feel seeing their mum being used as a punch bag? Have you asked them?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 18:56

Throw them both the fuck out. How dare he. How fucking dare he. He is no decent partner, he is a piece of shit.

throw him out before he tries to make a claim on your home or before your own children are any further emotionally damaged.

im so angry reading this.

GrumpyOldCrone · 09/12/2023 18:56

No, that isn’t typical teenage behaviour. It’s completely unacceptable and your partner isn’t dealing with it appropriately.

For the sake of your own children you need to make your partner and his son move out.