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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
PBandJ111 · 09/12/2023 19:24

Pleas make them both leave. This is not normal teenage behaviour.

discopoodle · 09/12/2023 19:24

Get them out op, call the police if that's what it will take. Pack their bags and leave them at the door while they are at work/school and change the locks.
Your two children deserve to grow up in a safe environment and this isn't it. If you don't get rid it will begin to affect them if it hasn't already. Put your babies first.

LaurieStrode · 09/12/2023 19:25

Call the police ASAP.

Jesus Christ. How can you do this to your children???

Mama22b · 09/12/2023 19:25

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. You have been experiencing domestic violence - doesn't have to be the partner committing it to make it so.

In regards to your children witnessing this - you don't want them to believe that this is normal teenage behaviour and for them to copy it or to end up becoming victims of it themselves. Also the mental and emotional impact of witnessing this happen to their mum. It is not acceptable for him to do this to you. If he attacks you - ring the police and file a report.

What does your DP say about the violence towards you? If he thinks this is normal teenage behaviour this is very worrying and in that case your DP and stepson both have a lack of respect for you - I'm so sorry to say but if your partner can not understand this isn't acceptable then I think you need to end the relationship.
I think you need to put the boundaries in place - DP must get stepson support for his anger issues if they are to stay, referral to cahms etc. Maybe get some advice from women's aid if necessary?
Put you and your children first, it is so unfair you have been treated like this in your own home and left to feel unsafe.

Thepossibility · 09/12/2023 19:25

I just want to add my kick them both out to everyone else's.
Outrageous that you are being treated like this in your own home!
Call the police!

MaidOfSteel · 09/12/2023 19:26

You need to get rid of your partner and his son, OP. The son has physically attacked you and your partner has given him his blessing to carry on with more of the same behaviour. Your partner has no respect for you; he doesn't even seem to care about you.

You aren't safe in your own home. And your own children should not be exposed to this kind of abnormal behaviour.

I hope your next post is to tell us you've sent them both packing.

Edit as crossposted. Please please reiterate they are to leave as soon as they pack an overnight bag. If there us any aggression or violence, you must call the police. You are not safe.

Chickychoccyegg · 09/12/2023 19:26

You need to get the police to escort your (ex) dp and his ds out of your house , also press charges , they both sound horrific, I wish you well x

ttcat37 · 09/12/2023 19:28

You are being unreasonable for not calling the police to get them both removed following the multiple assaults on you. Your children need you to protect them from him and from being exposed to seeing violence at home. How do you explain the bruises to your children? This will fuck up your children if you don’t get rid of your ‘D’P and his horrible son.

Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 19:28

Chickychoccyegg · 09/12/2023 19:26

You need to get the police to escort your (ex) dp and his ds out of your house , also press charges , they both sound horrific, I wish you well x

And change all locks immediately

TheCatterall · 09/12/2023 19:28

@Mum2bambinos what willyou feel like when your step son turns his anger into your DDs and injures them. When they have broken bones? When social services end up involved?

your DP should know full well this isn’t normal behaviour. Is this how he behaved as a teen?

There needs to be consequences to the behaviour of your partner and his son. And those consequences should be he can’t remain in your home as he isn’t a supportive partner or stepdad and isn’t helping enable a safe home or managing his child.

ring women’s aid, ring the police. Ring agencies and get support in moving these people out of your home and life.

your DP is just as big a problem because he’s minimising and excusing this violence.

please please please OP. Take the steps. Be strong. Do what’s right for your daughters so they have a safe and happy home life.

cheddercherry · 09/12/2023 19:28

So you told them to leave and they said ring the police… so ring the police. You have young kids in the house. A weight will be lifted and your kids will have a few less traumas to witness.

Mudflaps · 09/12/2023 19:30

Please please get help ASAP to have this abusive man and his equally abusive son removed from your home and your life. You are being abused, repeatedly and your young children are witnessing it. It must be so upsetting for them. Again, please get them out of your life before you are a statistic and someone else is rearing your children.

RocketPanda · 09/12/2023 19:31

You've told them to leave, they are now trespassers in your home. Ring the police. The 16 year old has the capacity and want to kill you or your children.

LittlePudding1 · 09/12/2023 19:31

You are probably in shock and wondering how you have got into this situation. Your DP is not a DP as he is allowing his son to abuse you and destroy your house and basically laughing in your face when you are telling him to leave. Neither of them have any respect for you or your home and if you don't get them out now I guarantee your DP will start abusing you and your kids too,
You really need to think about your own kids and put them first before it seriously starts effecting them.
If you don't get them out of this situation they will absolutely hate you when they are older for ruining their lives in choosing a man over their own well being.

I'm not saying this to be cruel but you really need a wake up call here.
Phone the police, get them out tonight

SauronsArsehole · 09/12/2023 19:32

You call the police if he assaults you.

you kick DP out this will make him parent his DS. It’s that simple.

yes I have called the police in my own child. It triggered much needed support.

Reugny · 09/12/2023 19:32

Tomorrow can you call a male relative/friend or preferably 3 who are firm and not prone to hitting/lashing out to come over while your partner is in?

If you can then do so.

Then tell your "partner" he and his son need to move out today.

Also call an emergency locksmith and change the locks.

If he kicks of call the police immediately.

ohfourfoxache · 09/12/2023 19:34

Ok, I suspect that you’re in boiling frog mode

They need to get the fuck out. Now.

Call the police and report the little scrote

Apart from anything else there are big safeguarding concerns for your own kids being exposed to him

Mama22b · 09/12/2023 19:35

Call the police, explain what has been happening and get your home back to the safe sanctuary it should be for you and your children. Your children are not safe as long as these men are in your house, they do not care about you or respect you if they are treating you this way.

Octavia64 · 09/12/2023 19:37

I have called the police for violence in my house. They were very helpful. Please do call them.

itsgettingweird · 09/12/2023 19:37

It's your house.

When they both are out - call a lock smith.

You've asked him to leave. Put it to him in writing - e,ail or text a deadline to leave.

You change the locks the minute you can after that date.

There can be violent teens. It's not the norm but the behaviour will be caused by something and currently dp is doing nothing to sort out solving it.

You are lucky that because you aren't a,fried your children don't need to live like this and neither do you.

Ladybughello · 09/12/2023 19:37

Do you own the house, OP? I imagine there is no tenancy agreement and you can evict them any day you choose!

PinkyFlamingo · 09/12/2023 19:38

Look I'm not being harsh but wake up, you are exposing your children to this awful abuse from both of them.

KTheGrey · 09/12/2023 19:39

Please call the police. And Women's Aid, and any local organisations who can advise you about getting them to leave as soon as possible.

Bobsyouraunty · 09/12/2023 19:39

OP GET THEM OUT.

I can’t believe your OH blamed you for going into his sons room?!

You have no support there and it’s scary that he has enabled his sons behaviour like that.

Get them out - your children shouldn’t be witnessing someone assaulting their mum with no repercussions.

Keeva2017 · 09/12/2023 19:42

Your partner is as bad as his son. Please please call the police now. I’m a social worker, you’re children are at risk. Please do it.