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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 10/12/2023 15:19

This is horrendous behaviour

DP & his DS need to move out ASAP

You need to protect your children & explain that DP DSs behaviour is not normal, it is abusive & that is why they are/ have moved out.
I bet your poor kids are scared shitless of him.
If you do nothing do not be surprised when your kids start behaving in the same way

Ivymom · 10/12/2023 16:30

Incase you are thinking to minimize your partner’s role in your abuse, please understand that he isn’t just a bystander. He is using his son as a tool to abuse you. He isn’t neutral and it isn’t just between you and his son. He gets enjoyment out of seeing his son assault you and it keeps you in his control. He is insidious. He knows that if he broke your fingers, it would be obvious that he was an abuser and easier for you to involve the police and end things with him.

Marcipex · 10/12/2023 18:04

Please get help to make them leave. Call the police, get them out, change the locks.

DeadbeatYoda · 10/12/2023 20:14

Please listen to the many people who are concerned for your safety. This is not normal teenage boy behaviour. I have 19 & 16 yr old ds's and neither them or any of their friends would dream of behaving this way.
Your dp is abusing you as is his son. Your own children will be next ( to receive the abuse or become the abusers) unless you stop this now.

MrsMarzetti · 10/12/2023 20:27

Mum2bambinos I hope you haven't updated because you have been busy with the Police and not because you are burying your head in the sand. It will be to late if you wake up tomorrow and your Daughter has been harmed. I am hoping and praying you have found the strength to protect your children.

LBFseBrom · 10/12/2023 23:30

MrsMarzetti · 10/12/2023 20:27

Mum2bambinos I hope you haven't updated because you have been busy with the Police and not because you are burying your head in the sand. It will be to late if you wake up tomorrow and your Daughter has been harmed. I am hoping and praying you have found the strength to protect your children.

I hope the same.

2boyzNosleep · 11/12/2023 00:02

This is not normal behaviour. It is abuse, and very worrying. The physical attacks are one thing, but also leaving his bodily fluids around in that way- (on the bedframe?!) is ringing alarm bells.

Your children are your priority, if he is like this to you, I dread to think what your children are going through.

They are way more vulnerable and I highly doubt that DSS or DP haven't done anything to them.

You haven't mentioned the effect any of this has has on them, whether DSS has done something to them or if you suspect if he's done anything to them.

Don't just think violence is the only concern,verbal and emotional abuse is at risk here, and possibly sexual. There is a high chance your SS is doing something, or will, to your children to spite you.

To some extent I understand that you may be confused/self doubt, but now is time for urgent action.

Call the police and call social services. You need to act now for their safety and yours.

FinallyHere · 11/12/2023 07:06

he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.

Honestly, lovely @Mum2bambinos take him at his word. Call the police and ask for their help in getting them out. Sadly, the police are very experienced in domestic violence

He doesn't think you will be up to calling on the police for help, because he thinks he has you where he wants you and can get away with anyone Prove him wrong by getting him out.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

This is a result of the abuse. Everything will be much, much simpler once you get them out of your house. Imagine the relief of going back to being just your family and safe from violence in your own home.

Bobsyouraunty · 11/12/2023 13:24

Hope you’re ok op - Is there any update?

Marcipex · 11/12/2023 14:31

Get him out. Change the locks.
See how your children react.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 11/12/2023 16:45

apologies for the delay in replying to everyone. I am so grateful for everyone’s responses.. and a little overwhelmed if I am honest. I truly expected everyone to come at me with the same things that are said to me at home
“it’s your fault. You’re a crap parent. You treat your kids differently.”
it’s taken me a little while to process everything. It is my intention to reach out to some of the agencies mentioned and I have the contact number for my local support.
for those that said I am burying my head in the sand. I am not. I am trying to gather my thoughts and secure the time when I am on my own to make them phone calls I need.

OP posts:
ButterCupPie · 11/12/2023 16:47

@Mum2bambinos

Yes, right, but are you getting him out?

samqueens · 11/12/2023 17:16

ButterCupPie · 11/12/2023 16:47

@Mum2bambinos

Yes, right, but are you getting him out?

I think OP has just said what she’s doing…

Getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t an easy thing, what she is grappling with is very difficult to go through and her self confidence and has taken a massive battering. So it’s not surprising she needs a bit of space to regroup and move forward.

Well done OP - you’ll find a lot of support and good advice out there if you can reach out for help. Good luck. Every step is a step forward

mamabelli · 11/12/2023 18:54

@Mum2bambinos
I hope you get the help you need to remove these 2 awful men from your home and your life. I hope everything works out well for you and your children.

Diaria · 11/12/2023 19:40

Wishing you all the best, stay strong, get your plan together and support system around you. There will never be a good time, but once it’s done life will be so much better.

Don’t let him convince you of all you’ll lose by getting rid of him. You have literally nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Take care. 💐

KTheGrey · 11/12/2023 19:49

Thank you for updating. I think you are making the right choice. Be brave and keep posting if it helps.

RantyAnty · 11/12/2023 19:53

Glad you're working on getting them out. Please don't tip them off what you're doing in any way.

GabriellaMontez · 11/12/2023 20:10

It's going to be amazing to get your home/life.back. Stay strong. You're doing the best thing you can for you and your children.

Onceuponaheartache · 11/12/2023 20:17

Good luck @Mum2bambinos

Keep coming back, especially when you feel your resolve weaken. The folks here are a fab support

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2023 05:45

I hope you are able to do this very soon. Please keep posting. Mumsnetters can be such great support. Flowers

Chipsahoyagain · 12/12/2023 06:57

Op you may have the privilege of time to 'gather your thoughts and make calls' but your children who didn't ask for your choices bear the brunt. You need to wake up and act fast. There is nothing stopping you from kicking them both out today except your own excuses- nothing.

SunshineYay · 12/12/2023 07:31

The longer you allow two abusive people to live with you, the longer your own children are abused in their own home. They've seen the abuse and what these men do to their mum.

It would be trickier to leave if you were married and you co-owned the house. However, you're not married and you own the house, not him. Kick them out today for the sake of your children.

NutellaNut · 12/12/2023 07:56

This is shocking, OP. He broke your fingers?! This in itself is bad enough. The violence is totally unacceptable. A messy room for a teenage boy is fairly normal, but vandalising it and smashing it up is definitely not. You need to get them both to leave asap. Absolutely call the police to remove them. You have to think of yourself and your children. What is it like for them? It must be terrifying and potentially dangerous if he lashes out at them. Get rid of this toxic pair before it escalates any further.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/12/2023 09:29

OP given that you have discussed this in school and teachers are now aware, they will have raised a major safeguarding concern. Don’t be surprised for social workers to get in touch; accept their help and sort this out. You are essentially complicit in the abuse of your children by making them be part of this situation. If you don’t sort it out and quickly your children could be removed from your care for their own safety if you can’t do what’s needed to keep them safe.

Luxell934 · 12/12/2023 19:02

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/12/2023 09:29

OP given that you have discussed this in school and teachers are now aware, they will have raised a major safeguarding concern. Don’t be surprised for social workers to get in touch; accept their help and sort this out. You are essentially complicit in the abuse of your children by making them be part of this situation. If you don’t sort it out and quickly your children could be removed from your care for their own safety if you can’t do what’s needed to keep them safe.

It read to me that she has discussed this with her step sons school with regards to his behaviour, not at her own children’s school.

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