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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 20:11

@Mum2bambinos

he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.

Serious question and I'm NOT being snarky: Why wouldn't you?

Why would you tolerate anyone ruining the wonderful home you worked so hard for? Why are you allowing someone to physically harm you? Why are you allowing someone to treat you with such contempt and disrespect? And by 'someone' I mean both of them.

Please take a moment to think about what your own children are seeing and hearing. Think about how they feel, what they are learning.

Go to the police station, speak to a community officer or whatever you call the officers who handle domestic issues. Explain the situation and ask them what they can do to help you remove these two assholes from your home. Then do it. Send your two DC to a friend or relatives house to get them out of the house, then just do it.

SleepingBeautySnores · 09/12/2023 20:12

I really feel for you OP, and you are clearly traumatised by what is happening to you and your family, which I think is why you haven't actually reported this previously. However, now that you have hopefully read the responses on here, and seen that EVERY SINGLE ONE has said to get rid of this man and his son, before you or your children are hurt again, you have now realised that this really IS what you need to do! Personally, I wouldn't actually phone the police while either of them are in the house, for fear of them hearing and being violent, but if the shit hits the fan again tonight, get your children and yourself out of the house, and go to the nearest police station. Report what has gone on, and ask for their help to remove these people who you have already asked to leave your home. Tell them that they have refused to leave, and have told you that you will have to get the police if you want them to go.

I know that you probably weren't expecting this response when you posted, perhaps in your own mind you had tried to rationalise it in some way, BUT you really DO need to take action on this NOW!!

Once they have gone, do please come back and tell us so that we know that you and your children are safe.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2023 20:13

What?
They both need to leave
Now
The ds16 needs help to turn this around but is not your responsibility

They should have left , been kicked out, after this

has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

viques · 09/12/2023 20:13

He hit you and broke your fingers. He now knows nothing will happen when he is violent. Who do you think who he will hurt next, your daughter or your son? Broken fingers, arms, black eyes or sexual assault?

Your partner isn’t fulfilling his parental role, don’t fall into the same trap, start parenting by telling them both to leave your house and your children’s home.

Joeylove88 · 09/12/2023 20:14

Hes broken your fingers and punched you and your partner is shouting at you for not tidying his bedroom for him?! Wtf am i reading!!! They BOTH need to leave your home before that little bastard ends up hurting one of your children or worse...your partner should be ashamed! And the 16 year old does clearly need some help but he also needs to learn consequences of his seriously bad behaviour before its too late.

Chocolate123456 · 09/12/2023 20:14

OP you are in an abusive relationship with your partner and his son is abusive too.

Here’s the number for National domestic violence helpline. 08082000247 it’s open 24hrs and free to call.

Please take care of yourself and your children.

DancingFerret · 09/12/2023 20:15

Not married and presumably not in a civil partnership with your DP; if that's the case and the house is yours, you should be able to evict him and his violent son without fear of any comeback.

Judging by what you've said, though, involving the police will be essential in getting rid of them - and you would be wise to make sure your dog is protected from him. It's well known violent types like your DP and his son think nothing of being cruel to defenceless animals.

(I've not read other responses and apologise if I'm repeating what's already been said.)

Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/12/2023 20:16

I do hope you can contact Womens Aid and come up with a workable plan for yourself. Neither DP or his kid are going to make it easy. I hope you have some people who can help support you with this.

2jacqi · 09/12/2023 20:16

@Mum2bambinos you really do need to involve the police and also get an interdict out so they cannot come to your house at all!! this is going to get a lot worse and you know that! you need to look after your young children. they are your priority! not those two assholes!! It is your house!

cestlavielife · 09/12/2023 20:17

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 20:10

i told them I hurt my fingers playing rugby with the kids in the garden.
I know I shouldn’t have lied. But I didn’t know what to say.

Show quote history

You tell the truth and get ss to help remove both of them

The 16yr old needs intervention to address this

Hiding it to yourself helps no one
You and your dc are in a dangerous situation
Get out now

uuughhhshsh · 09/12/2023 20:17

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

Is he also abusing your children?

You do realise that if your children report what has been happening at home to someone at school, SS will get involved and your children will be taken away from you and into care? Because that’s what will happen.

Wait until they are both out. Phone the police and report everything. Stick all of their stuff in bin bags, dump it outside and change the locks. They need to go ASAP, you and your children are in real, physical danger.

Your poor kids deserve so much better than this. You do too, but they have no choices in their living arrangements. You do. Make the right ones and protect them.

Lavenderflower · 09/12/2023 20:18

This sounds like an abusive situation - I rarely advise people to leave their partners but this sounds like a very unsafe situation for you and you children. People who hit their parents are dangerous people. Most criminal wouldn't dare hit their mother - even law enforcement know that a person is dangerous if the parent in scared of them.

HMW1906 · 09/12/2023 20:19

Why are you choosing to put your own children through this living situation?? Your partner obviously does not care what his son does so why are they still there? Is your relationship with your partner really more important than your children’s happiness?? Get your partner and step son out of your house now!

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 20:20

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 20:11

@Mum2bambinos

he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.

Serious question and I'm NOT being snarky: Why wouldn't you?

Why would you tolerate anyone ruining the wonderful home you worked so hard for? Why are you allowing someone to physically harm you? Why are you allowing someone to treat you with such contempt and disrespect? And by 'someone' I mean both of them.

Please take a moment to think about what your own children are seeing and hearing. Think about how they feel, what they are learning.

Go to the police station, speak to a community officer or whatever you call the officers who handle domestic issues. Explain the situation and ask them what they can do to help you remove these two assholes from your home. Then do it. Send your two DC to a friend or relatives house to get them out of the house, then just do it.

@AcrossthePond55

the answer to all of those questions is because I am scared. Worried. Self doubting. convinced by others that the problem is me

OP posts:
Nongatron · 09/12/2023 20:20

Dear op please ,please take action. Like everyone else on this thread I am imploring you to do whatever you need to do to get these two toxic people out of your home. I have no doubt the 16 year old needs specialist professional support but that is not your responsibility. Your priority is the safety of your kids and yourself.
Phone the police and get them removed asap

Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2023 20:22

Police without a doubt OP. They need to get out - they are using and abusing you awfully.

Xmasinfrance · 09/12/2023 20:24

For the sake of your own DCs and yourself you need to call the police ASAP OP!

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 20:24

Sorry OP but your most important job in life is to protect your children. Having this teen in your life is risking their safety. I could not take a chance on this. What if he punched one of them in the side of the head? He is out of control and you cannot guarantee he will not do this.

You don't have to ring 999 but you can ring 101 or go to a police station to get support and advice. You need to get your partner and his son out of your house and you need police supervision to accomplish this safely. Your partner is not protecting you and your children but is prioritising his violent son. This is not acceptable. It may do him a favour having someone finally setting a clear limit on his behaviour, but that's not for you to worry about, you only need to think of yourself and your own children.

Snowdogsmitten · 09/12/2023 20:24

Get your partner and his appalling offspring out of your lovely home. They’re ruining it, and your life.

RedToothBrush · 09/12/2023 20:25

DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me.

Your husband comparing a 16 year old to a 10 and 11 year old? And saying that the 16 year old should have his step mother tidy his room? This is what your partner sees you as - a skivvy to clean up and it's fine to disrespect.

Then when asked to leave he makes you tell him it's not your house because it makes him feel like a lodger.

Yep he's a lodger. A cocklodger. He's abusive and so is his son. Involve the police.

EvilElsa · 09/12/2023 20:25

You MUST get out of this relationship. You need to be strong for your children -you are living with two abusers, one who broke your fingers and thought nothing of it. Will you be able to forgive yourself if he does the same to one of your children?
Call his bluff and ring the police. If asked, tell the truth about your injuries. They need to leave. Do it for your kids.

1983Louise · 09/12/2023 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 20:27

So when he broke your fingers, did you really think that it was your fault, OP?

What was your family like when you were growing up?

What was your children's father like?

Do you have good female friends?

tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 20:28

Oh OP Sad

Please just take that first step and I promise the rest will work out.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2023 20:28

Call the police. You are being abused. Your children need to be protected.