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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 09/12/2023 19:55

you need to put you and your kids first. It’s not fair on them

  1. you report the stepson to the police, he assaulted youand he is no longer welcome at your house
  2. you tell your partner it over and he and his son need to go now

Then block on everything, take time to recover and rebuild with your kids

Naptrappedmummy · 09/12/2023 19:57

Op if you can’t leave for yourself then leave for your kids. They’re witnessing their mum being beaten up and spoken to like shit on a regular basis. They must be so scared and unhappy. Please walk into your local police station and explain you want 2 violent men to leave your house and that you need help as one regularly assaults you to the point of breaking bones. Please please please please don’t let this carry on for 1 more day.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 19:58

Are you a mug op? I have asked my own ds to move out for less.... Ring the police op. Or truly you are stupid....

SomeCatFromJapan · 09/12/2023 19:59

If you need to phone the police, do so. Please get this horrible toxic pair out of the home of your poor children.

ganglion · 09/12/2023 20:00

You need to be a parent. Get rid of the partner and stepson. This is no environment to bring your children up in.

If this is the calibre of partner you've allowed to move in, I'd suggest remaining single until your children move out.

redastherose · 09/12/2023 20:01

You really need to tell your partner (he's not a DP) and his revolting violent son to leave your home and if he refuses you need to tell your P that you are going to report the assault to the police if they won't leave without a fuss. Then do it if they won't leave. You cannot have your children growing up with this sort of behaviour going on in the home, it is not fair to them.

Delphinium20 · 09/12/2023 20:01

I'm going to be very blunt. You are teaching your DD she can and should put up with domestic abuse from a man.

While 16 isn't fully an adult for some good legal reasons, he has a man's body and it has been used to terrorize you and your children and physically harm you.

HE BROKE YOUR BONES.

This isn't normal teen boy behavior. A toddler may lack that kind of control but they aren't strong enough to hurt you.

He needs to go.

JaneyGee · 09/12/2023 20:02

The violence is definitely not normal. It is 100% NOT normal for a teenage boy to punch a woman in the face. In fact, he should have been charged with assault.

SoSad44 · 09/12/2023 20:03

Kick them both out immediately before he hurts your DC. This is not normal teenage behaviour.

Riverlee · 09/12/2023 20:05

It’s not normal - my dc have never vandalised his room, left pizza boxes stacking up, punched parents (wtf!) etc. Yes, rooms can be messy, but they do tidy it up.

Delphinium20 · 09/12/2023 20:05

There will come a time when your own DS will either try to protect you and get beaten down in response or, and be prepared for this, learn that he too can abuse you like DSS.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 20:06

' I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do. '

Calling the police is precisely what you need to do. Sorry to be harsh here - but by not calling the police you are not protecting your children. Or yourself.

Loley22 · 09/12/2023 20:07

Hi this sounds awful I'm so sorry you are going through this. What did DP do when ss assaulted and injured you? It may be worth getting some advice from domestic abuse services as they aren't just for partners/husbands.

poppitypop1 · 09/12/2023 20:07

Ring the police op. Get them both out. They're both abusing you.

Your DP doesn't care about you. If he did he wouldn't be supporting his son's behaviour.

If you can't ring the police for yourself at least do it for your kids. This is so unfair on them. You run a very real risk of them being screwed up being exposed to this sort of environment.

Tigger1895 · 09/12/2023 20:07

Is there a medical report about the broken finger?
You have asked them to leave and been told the only way they are going is if you call the police. So call the police and get rid of them.
Your children don’t deserve to see this type of behaviour and you don’t deserve to be abused in YOUR own home.

Cherrysoup · 09/12/2023 20:08

Shit example for your children. He’s broken your fingers, pretty sure broken bones=GBH. Why are him and his frankly useless father still living in YOUR house?

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 20:08

This is domestic violence, OP. You really need to involve the police and have them both removed. Can you think where they could go to? I know it's not your problem but it makes life a lot easier if they can go to relatives. Personally I'd then get a Ring doorbell and a new set of locks and if they then cause trouble I'd go for a restraining order against them. But this is so much easier if you've logged these assaults with the police.

Did you go to hospital? If so, what did you say caused those injuries?

Gingerbee · 09/12/2023 20:09

I am really sorry. This is not normal behaviour. You are being physically assaulted, and mentally tormented by this teenager.
His father is aiding and abetting this behaviour.
This is your home. You should be safe and so should your children.
I have never suggested this on here but they both have to leave ASAP.
Keep safe
Good luck

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 09/12/2023 20:09

Your partners correct, you may very well have all this to come - if you allow your children to watch your stepson act like this with no repricussions. There is a chance that they will model his behaviour. Please do not put your children through the trauma of listening to this and seeing their mother being punched/fingers broken etc. Domestic violence has a horrific affect on children.

Get the pair of them out. And if another assault occurs before you chuck them out, call 999.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 20:09

And don't think this is solely your stepson's behaviour. Your partner has enabled this right from the get-go. A decent man would be mortified at all aspects of his son's behaviour. This man is blaming you for it.

LBFseBrom · 09/12/2023 20:09

Thesearmsofmine · 09/12/2023 18:27

Well the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree with that boy. LTB and when I say leave I mean tell him he (and his son) are leaving your home.

Edited

I agree with that.

Bad temper and moods are one thing but violence, breaking your fingers, trapping you in a room and threatening you, are terrible! The boy is an abusive monster. You wouldn't take that from your own child, never mind your stepson.

He must go and your useless, unsupportive partner too. Not only is the situation dreadful, and frightening, for you, it is bad for your children to have to live in such an environment.

I realise it will not be easy for you but try to get some support from a relative or close friend, preferably more than one, who can be with you when you tell your partner to leave. Also find somewhere safe to go while they move themselves out. They can find somewhere to rent, it's not unusual for relationships to end and partners with children rent somewhere to live. They don't have to tell the prospective landlord the details of your split, just that they have separated and need a place. As long as partner is in work it should not be difficult.

You have to be strong, op, and not be browbeaten by this uncaring and abusive pair. It will be a great relief when they are out of your life.

Someone will probably say the boy needs help and I agree with that. However, it is not up to you to facilitate that, you have obviously tried and you need to protect yourself and your family.

Good luck and be assured we are all rooting for you on here. If necessary, contact a womens' aid organisation who will help and advise.

Delphinium20 · 09/12/2023 20:09

Please remember that a woman is most at risk when she is trying to leave or trying to make an abuser leave.

Op, if you are UK, call women's aid and they can advise you. You and your children are very unsafe the minute you demand they leave. You need police and other protective services but make sure he's not reading your online social.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 20:10

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 20:08

This is domestic violence, OP. You really need to involve the police and have them both removed. Can you think where they could go to? I know it's not your problem but it makes life a lot easier if they can go to relatives. Personally I'd then get a Ring doorbell and a new set of locks and if they then cause trouble I'd go for a restraining order against them. But this is so much easier if you've logged these assaults with the police.

Did you go to hospital? If so, what did you say caused those injuries?

i told them I hurt my fingers playing rugby with the kids in the garden.
I know I shouldn’t have lied. But I didn’t know what to say.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 20:10

I totally agree with contacting Women's Aid about this. You really do need support.

AfraidToRun · 09/12/2023 20:10

if its your house, he has no legal right to stay if you don't want him to. If he says call the police, call the police. Violence is taking place in your home, domestic violence. Reach out to a charity as I suspect your DP son us not the only one abusing you.