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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 18:57

Luxell934 · 09/12/2023 18:54

Sorry couldn’t get over your post where you claim he has punched you, has broken your fingers and physically attacked you…..but you seem more worried about his messy room. And then the laughing emojis at the end of the post…..

no words.

Edited

It's a trauma response.

JMSA · 09/12/2023 18:59

Omg, get shot of Damian and his feckless father.
Why on earth would you subject your own children to this?

StSwithinsDay · 09/12/2023 19:00

Your poor children. How can you inflict this on them?

Pineapplewaves · 09/12/2023 19:01

Why does DS16 live with his DF full time? Where is his DM? Did she throw him out because of his bad behaviour? What are the school doing about his behaviour?

You should have gone to the police and reported the assaults, at age 16 he should be accountable, he'll do it again to someone else, you won't be the last.

I'd wait for them to go out, change the locks and not let them back in. They can arrange to a date and time to collect their things and make sure you have other people present to support you.

They need to go, for the safety of you and your children. Call the police if necessary.

Newestname002 · 09/12/2023 19:05

@Mum2bambinos

As a previous poster said, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Tell your not very "D"P that he and his violent, feral son need to leave your house now. He can get an AirBnB to stay in whilst he sorts out something longer term. Or they can stay with one of his relatives.

His son has physically attacked you so I'm not sure why he's been allowed to still live there, and it's clear neither he nor his father have any respect for you.

His violence towards you "he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit" may well get worse, should in no way be tolerated and he needs to no longer be in the same space as you or your children.

If they don't listen to you then phone 101 and speak to the police. This behaviour and total lack of respect by them both is unlikely to improve and neither of them should be living with you and your children. 🌹

Maray1967 · 09/12/2023 19:07

blettedmedlar · 09/12/2023 18:44

They ought to have been kicked out so fast their feet didn't touch the ground. Your poor children, seeing their mother assaulted and abused like that.

This. For gods sake kick them both out.

Georgyporky · 09/12/2023 19:08

Why did you not call the Police when he attacked you ?
Get rid of both of them - the violence will probably get worse.

thinslicedham · 09/12/2023 19:10

You have to get them out of your house and out of your life. More importantly, you have to get them away from your children. If you won't do it for your own sake, do it for theirs!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 09/12/2023 19:11

Are you frightened of your partner? Do you need the support of the police to get him to leave?

SuspiciousSue · 09/12/2023 19:12

Chuck that man and his thug of a son out of your house. Do it today and change the locks.

Flamingogirl08 · 09/12/2023 19:15

I'm normally the soft step parent championing blended families on this forum but honestly? Kick them both out and enjoy your life with your kids.

SiliconHeaven · 09/12/2023 19:15

Broken fingers? Please get them both out now OP 💐
you will be happier and safer

Notimeforidiots69 · 09/12/2023 19:17

I have to agree with everyone here, throw them both out, no ifs no buts, no compromising... They go! Your own children should be your priority in YOURS and THEIR home!!! Your DP actually isn't!!! He is always going to put his son and his atrocious behaviour before you... Always...
I also don't know why you're focussing on his revolting room and not the fact he's assaulted you?!!! Nor do I understand the laughing emojis? Because if you don't throw them out now, I doubt you'll have anything to laugh at in the future!!!

Grimchmas · 09/12/2023 19:17

Fucking hell the apple really didn't fall far from the tree.

This is a no-brainer - his son's behaviour is not normal, your children shouldn't have to live with a violent young man and you shouldn't tolerate it either. And the thing is, you don't have to. It is as simple as this.

Absolutely kick the pair of them out pronto. And consider how to do it safely because it sounds like a situation that has potential to get violent and escalate, again. You are a domestic abuse victim in your own home.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:18

I probably should have said - and I didn’t want to add too much because it was so long to start with - I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.
when DO DS hit me I was told by DP that “he wouldn’t have hit you if you hadn’t gone in his room”
I was angry and shouted that it was my house and I would go where I wanted. He’s now asked me not to call it my house because that makes him feel like a lodger. But to me it is a fact.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

OP posts:
MissAmbrosia · 09/12/2023 19:18

He broke your fingers and punched you? That should have been the day they both left. Get fucking rid!

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 19:19

YABVVU not to have called police the minute this vile person first assaulted you. Report it now and ask for help evicting both son and father.

StSwithinsDay · 09/12/2023 19:19

kicked the baby gate of the wall.

You didn't mention a baby. Why do you have a baby gate?

MissAmbrosia · 09/12/2023 19:19

They need to go ASAP. And call the police if either one threatens you.

Notimeforidiots69 · 09/12/2023 19:19

Trauma response via typing?! That's a new one on me!

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:19

For my dog. There is no baby.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 09/12/2023 19:21

So how are your own children coping with this situation? What will you do if he breaks their fingers?

annoyed788 · 09/12/2023 19:22

OP you're being abused in your own home, physically and mentally and I'm so sorry.

Please get yourself and your children away from both of them, call police and tell them you need them to come and remove them because you are frightened after being assaulted.

Sending hugs x

Tacotortoise · 09/12/2023 19:24

Call the police and tell them you want your arsehole boyfriend and his abusive son out now. Please. Free yourself.

Brefugee · 09/12/2023 19:24

Tell them both to leave. And call the police.

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