To think my grandparents are tossers

Pbjammy · 2023-12-09T17:47:53+00:00

Just trying to get my head around this. My remaining nan and grandad are in their mid 80s, live comfortably, generally in good health. They retired 2 hours away when I was 7 (I'm now mid 30s). Their contact with me and my sister since then has been sending birthday/Christmas cards each year with 'Happy Birthday/Christmas, love N&G.' They've never called, messaged or visited us once (they're very capable and tech savvy). They know absolutely nothing about us, other than what our jobs are and where we live. They genuinely never ask anything about our lives. Yet they've always been volunteering with kids and young people in their local community. We just went to visit them for the first time in a year or so. They seem to know all the ins and outs of the lives of various young people's lives - they're hosting a Christmas lunch for the Scout group they used to run this weekend. My grandad was telling me all about an ex-Scout who is now at Oxford uni and how proud they are of him, as if they are part of the reason he's there?! Nan is also furiously knitting jumpers and socks for the new baby of their neighbour's kid, who they've known since he was born. Aibu to be angry about why did they/do they want nothing to do with their own grandkids? It's baffling. For context, my dad is their only child and they treated him poorly growing up.

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 09/12/2023 17:50

How often have you visited them/been in touch? Or have you left it up to them ? They know the people in their community..

Ragwort · 09/12/2023 17:53

If you are describing them as 'tossers' maybe they are aware of your attitude and prefer to spend time helping young people in their community. How often do you and your Dad make the effort to visit and stay in touch?

jenthehen · 09/12/2023 17:54

My parents are the same as your grandparents and my now adult children feel as you do. I completely understand how you feel. It’s actually very upsetting to listen to them being so involved with other random children unconnected to them. I tried desperately to involve them with my children whilst they were growing up; we live very close, but they showed virtually no interest. We now focus on our own little family. My parents spent Christmas alone last year. They brought it on themselves.

BeenRoundThatBlock · 09/12/2023 17:54

I wonder what their post would have read. Sad that their grown up granddaughter doesn't make more of an effort? Since you've been an adult, how often have you contact them? Been to visit?

It sounds like their world is very local and small, and they've been very invested in the community (scouts etc) and I wonder if it's taken the place of their geographically distant relatives?

Not saying it's right or wrong. You are probably all equally BU and NBU. But at 80, with decades of this situation since their grandchildren were grown up, I doubt they will change.

The only way it might is if you ramp up the contact from your side and see if a closer relationship can kindle around you and their great-grandchild.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:55

There's more to this than meets the eye.

betterangels · 09/12/2023 17:56

Ragwort · 09/12/2023 17:53

If you are describing them as 'tossers' maybe they are aware of your attitude and prefer to spend time helping young people in their community. How often do you and your Dad make the effort to visit and stay in touch?

Definitely this! They probably know you don't give a shit.

lunaticfringer · 09/12/2023 17:56

OP what would their side of the story be? Most people are drawn to their family above all others. If they are not do you know why?

Original poster

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:57

Me and my sister visit once a year usually at Christmas. Like I said, they took zero interest in us as kids. Whenever we visited them when we were younger they were very strict, used to prefer us to sit still for hours, we weren't allowed to play or talk unless spoken to. They're really old fashioned.

OP posts:

HappyHamsters · 09/12/2023 17:57

Maybe because you think they are tossers.

Original poster

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:58

@lunaticfringer Their side of the story is that they are wonderful, doting grandparents. I know that for a fact because it's what they tell people we know. They are deluded.

OP posts:

BeenRoundThatBlock · 09/12/2023 18:00

Well there you are, then. You visit once a year and yet complain that they don't come visit?

They probably tell people they're doting GPs because they're sad or embarrassed that their grandchildren want nothing to do with them

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 09/12/2023 18:01

Waiting for the drip feed.

HiCandles · 09/12/2023 18:02

I have a grandparent a little similar but not quite that extent of limited contact. Mine does ring or message from time to time but rarely asks me how I am and even when I tell her things, just uses it as an opportunity to say something about herself. I highly doubt she could tell you the name of the town I work in or what my hobbies are. Yet she can tell me all about her neighbour's niece and her volunteer buddy's family.
It rankles but I've resigned myself to it as she's not going to change now.

OhNoOhNo · 09/12/2023 18:03

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:57

Me and my sister visit once a year usually at Christmas. Like I said, they took zero interest in us as kids. Whenever we visited them when we were younger they were very strict, used to prefer us to sit still for hours, we weren't allowed to play or talk unless spoken to. They're really old fashioned.

This should have been in the OP, as loads of people will ignore this and pile on.

I can see why it’s hurtful.

You know you tried to have a closer relationship, so this is on them not you.

My honest advice is they’re mid 80s, they’re comfortable, they only have one son. Just tolerate them for an inheritance.

wjpa · 09/12/2023 18:04

Why do you bother visiting them?

ElevenSeven · 09/12/2023 18:07

Just tolerate them for an inheritance

Lovely.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 18:07

I also wonder how this situation evolved.

My dad never made much effort to maintain contact with his family - my mother made all the effort and without that effort I honestly would not have met anyone on that side of the family. I wonder if your father just didn't bother to bring you to see them or invite them to you or include them in your childhood in any way?

Anyway if you don't like them and are 100% sure they are entirely responsible for the way things are, you could save yourself the trouble of your biennial visit. It sounds like they are keeping themselves occupied anyway!

nadine90 · 09/12/2023 18:07

I obviously can’t apply this to your grandparents without knowing them, but narcissists are often “pillars of the community” whilst treating their families like crap. They like to be seen as being wonderful and will put on a big act of being caring and selfless to outsiders as it feeds their egos.
Just because you are related to them, does not mean you owe them anything. You don’t have to visit them if it causes you upset. They know where you live and sound capable of making the effort should they want to visit you. Sometimes we just have to accept that people aren’t who we want them to be, and let them go x

BeenRoundThatBlock · 09/12/2023 18:07

Just tolerate them for an inheritance*
*
Don't be surprised if they leave it all to the Scouts!

Blinkityblonk · 09/12/2023 18:08

I think they sound positively rubbish op. It's not up to a 7 year old to make that bond. If they came twice a year and you went once and there were lots of calls and letters it would have been fine. There wasn't. My dad is a bit like this, attaches to random kids of friends but doesn't send presents to mine at Christmas for several years in a row when little. Just lacks any connection somehow.

seagull82 · 09/12/2023 18:09

jenthehen · 09/12/2023 17:54

My parents are the same as your grandparents and my now adult children feel as you do. I completely understand how you feel. It’s actually very upsetting to listen to them being so involved with other random children unconnected to them. I tried desperately to involve them with my children whilst they were growing up; we live very close, but they showed virtually no interest. We now focus on our own little family. My parents spent Christmas alone last year. They brought it on themselves.

I could have written this post, I've always felt hurt on my sons behalf.

Original poster

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 18:10

Sorry there has been a misunderstanding here. They never visited us or made any effort with us as CHILDREN. They were simply not interested and kept us at arms length. Therefore we have grown into adults without any relationship with them at all. They have been invited to family events and things over the years and just never come or engage. Mostly because it involves spending money they dont want to. They treat my dad (their son) the same.
They continue to be completely disinterested in us.

OP posts:

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 18:11

This dynamic is actually not that uncommon. It is very sad, but it is their issue not yours.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 18:12

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 17:57

Me and my sister visit once a year usually at Christmas. Like I said, they took zero interest in us as kids. Whenever we visited them when we were younger they were very strict, used to prefer us to sit still for hours, we weren't allowed to play or talk unless spoken to. They're really old fashioned.

I don't think it's unusual for people in their 80s to be "old fashioned"!!

There doesn't seem to have been a lot of effort on the part of your father or your grandparents to facilitate a relationship.

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 18:13

nadine90 · 09/12/2023 18:07

I obviously can’t apply this to your grandparents without knowing them, but narcissists are often “pillars of the community” whilst treating their families like crap. They like to be seen as being wonderful and will put on a big act of being caring and selfless to outsiders as it feeds their egos.
Just because you are related to them, does not mean you owe them anything. You don’t have to visit them if it causes you upset. They know where you live and sound capable of making the effort should they want to visit you. Sometimes we just have to accept that people aren’t who we want them to be, and let them go x

Agree with this.